How can I validate this without losing myself?

[unicorn2014]

My pw and I are getting along right now and I don't want to rock the boat by making a stupid comment so I figured I'd come here and deal with it.

My partner has this belief that we don't have problems "when we're in the same space". Well what that actually means is when he's in my space because I have yet to visit him in his space and every time he's come to see me he's stayed with me in my space. And there's the problem of me finding out the divorce hadn't been filed after all the time we spent together in my space. So of course when he tells me we get along better when "we're in the same space" it ruffles my feathers because it reminds me of that fact. I think I would just like him to acknowledge that being in the same space means him being in my space because then we could talk about why he finds my space preferable to his space. (His whole theory has been that he has to leave his city and state to get better.)

In the past when I've pointed out to him that the same space actually means my space it hasn't gone well so I didn't do that today, I just let it go.

So am I losing a part of myself by allowing him to have his belief? Probably not. What do you think would be a good validating statement here?

I should also add that a former T suggested that maybe I don't even want to live with him, and that may be true. I have not shared my space with another adult for over a decade, and I'm certainly not ever sharing my 2BDR with my pw.

The reason the subject even came up is I was listening to this one track I like when I realized the lyrics reminded me of us when we're fighting, and of being in a long distance relationship.

Trying hard to see

How I could possibly be on your frequency 'cause I'm missing

You and me.

Through the air

These waves come in

Breaking on my shore

How I pray

With all my heart

I could love you, the same way you love me

And share the same waves.

Read more: Gus Gus - Airwaves Lyrics | MetroLyrics

www.metrolyrics.com/airwaves-lyrics-gus-gus.html

[Sunfl0wer]

So am I losing a part of myself by allowing him to have his belief? Probably not. What do you think would be a good validating statement here?

Interesting... .

What do you think about that sentence?

What does it mean for Unicorn to loose herself?

[unicorn2014]

Hi Sunfl0wer, probably it would be better to ask how can I validate him without invalidating myself? Like how can I validate the fact that he enjoys spending time in my space, which is actually a compliment, without invalidating myself because I feel it was a one sided and dishonest relationship the whole time we were "in the same space". When I say one sided I literally have never been to see him once in his state, all of his visits have been to me in my state. Also ever time he's come to see me he's spent every night with me. He initially booked a hotel for the first visit, but then ended up staying with me. Also him being in my space has required me to ask my property manager for permission every time he's spent more then two weeks out of the year with me, which means I've had to ask permission for all but two of his visits. So he and I have a very different perspective on "being in the same space".

I initially wanted to post this morning because I noticed in a text he said love you, I said love you too, then <15 min later he said something else in a text and said love you again. I was thinking to myself "What is wrong with him? He just told me he loved me less then 15 min ago." Of course in the past when I pointed that out to him that didn't go well either.

Today I recognize that much of our "fighting" is probably or may be due to my invalidating communication so since we're "getting along" today I figured this would be a good time to look at how my communication style contributes to the problem and what I can do differently.

[Notwendy]

It is good that you are looking at your communication style and asking if it is invalidating. It is possible that the two of you have different communication styles. It seems you wish for him to be more accurate about which space he is in, however, another way to look at this is that shared space could mean any space. At the moment it is yours, but he could be saying a more general statement. The two of you relate better face to face. Although you feel it isn't correct to not be more specific about the space, looking at that aspect may make it hard to see the larger picture of what he is saying " we get along better in person than long distance".

An exaggerated example might be someone saying " At 3:00 yesterday, I saw a bear running down the street". Maybe it was 4:00 not 3:00 and it was a lion, not a bear. To correct the person by saying " you are wrong, it was not 3:00, and it wasn't a bear, one could miss the emotion of the statement, which is the shock of a wild animal running down the street. It is the shock of the person- the emotion that needs validating. By focusing on whether or not the facts are correct, one can invalidate the emotion.

You don't have to invalidate yourself if you validate the feeling behind what he is saying. You can say " yes, I agree that it is shocking to see a wild animal loose from the zoo" without any detail. You can say " yes ,I agree that we get along better in person" without a focus on whose place it is.

One of you doesn't have to be right or wrong here. You can both be right .  It is your space, but your space is also same space. Validating his perspective doesn't have to invalidate yours.

One thing to consider is that reacting to his style of communication can cause issues. It is possible to allow space for people to communicate differently. So he wants to tell you he loves you twice in 15 minutes? That may just be who he is and what he wants to do.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you not wendy! I'm the one who wants him to acknowledge that the same space is my space, however it is funny you mention wild animals because some of the things I do enjoy doing with him are going to the zoo or going hiking, where you can see wild or caged animals.

He's right, we do get along better face to face because we don't have to rely on words to communicate and words are how we argue. When he's in my space and he's starting to freak out all I have to do is put a hand on him and he stops. Our relationship really is much better in person which is why I am still waiting on him to get a divorce and relocate. He says he might have some good news for me this week but I've trained him not to say anything until he's certain, and I'm much happier with that.

It is funny you mention I am more concerned with accuracy because supposedly he's more thinking then feeling orientated, according to him, apparently his shadow feeling side comes out with me or something.

[Notwendy]

I'm the feeling person, and my H is all about accuracy. It is an important skill and focus, but if I am trying to convey an emotion, and he is arguing over the facts, then I feel as if what I am saying is lost in the details. IMHO, there is a time and place for accuracy. Certainly if we were balancing the checkbook, that would be a main point. But sometimes I am trying to say something "big picture" and arguing over details loses the point. It is also triggering to be corrected over something that is a minor part of the message.

I have been the one saying something like " I saw a big brown bear in the woods!" and I am trying to share the feeling. My H might respond with " it wasn't a brown bear, it was a black bear". It is at this time that I would feel that the whole point of the statement- to share a feeling- of the shock, surprise, excitement of seeing a bear ( hopefully not too close up )  was not shared, and feel disconnected.

Also with kids. A kid can come home from school completely upset because another kid said something mean. The child might not get the details right, but what the child needs at the moment, is a hug and someone to listen. It may not be true that Billy is the meanest person on the planet, but in the moment, it is true for the child. I think this is how many of us grew up, with invalidating parents who instead of connecting with the feeling, told us that it is ridiculous to say that about Billy, or it is nothing, get over it, or Billy didn't say that.  This kind of thing repeatedly can hurt.

If your SO is a feeling type, listen to the big picture he may be saying. Someone talking on an emotional level may not be as focused on the facts. It can feel very hurtful to  be corrected when conveying a feeling.

Can you validate that your SO feels the two of you get along better in person? It could make a difference to the relationship if he feels that what he is trying to say is being received.

[Sunfl0wer]

What do you suspect was the feeling behind the words?

[unicorn2014]

I think this is how many of us grew up, with invalidating parents who instead of connecting with the feeling, told us that it is ridiculous to say that about Billy, or it is nothing, get over it, or Billy didn't say that.  This kind of thing repeatedly can hurt.

Yep definitely grew up with an invalidating mother.

If your SO is a feeling type, listen to the big picture he may be saying. Someone talking on an emotional level may not be as focused on the facts. It can feel very hurtful to  be corrected when conveying a feeling.

That's just it: he claims he's a thinking type and I'm a feeling type, however he acts like a feeling type with me and I act like a thinking type with him.

Can you validate that your SO feels the two of you get along better in person? It could make a difference to the relationship if he feels that what he is trying to say is being received.

I'm sure it would make a difference for that and many other things. I talked to him on the phone today and he said he had enough fighting. He really doesn't like fighting. I think it would probably be better for both of us if we didn't fight so I think from here on out if there are phrases that are repeat performances that I have previously had trouble with I'll bring them here. I've been with him for 4 years now so chances are something he's said that bothers me has been said before, I've tried to address it, and it hasn't changed it.

[unicorn2014]

What do you suspect was the feeling behind the words?

His feeling? He misses being with me, and I was able to validate that, I do miss doing fun things with him.

[Notwendy]

What a nice thing to validate. This is win-win and a step away from conflict  Good for you!

[unicorn2014]

Thank you not wendy, he definitely does not like conflict and now that we are getting along I definitely see how I contribute to conflict. I think this is good preparation for if or when I move back over to the staying board.