So many issues, need your input

[landslide]

My 16 year old daughter is in a very difficult spiral right now, and I just discovered today that she was on multiple dating/sex websites, trying to hook up with men. She was posing as an 18-year-old. (I found our because she logged in on my computer and the passwords had saved). We suspect she may be sneaking out at night since my husband has found her window screen up the last two days. 

She is also stealing (largely food), engaging in eating disorder behaviors and getting increasingly aggressive.  She tells me she "likes how she is and doesn't want to change" but has nothing to say when I point out that people who engage in these behaviors are also in a lot of pain.

What I have done so far is delete her website profiles/contact the sites, place a call to her psychiatrist (wondering if meds are causing hypomania w/agitation and increase in risky behavior?), and called an eating disorder program to see about an assessment.  She will also continue DBT (she has been going for over a year to group and individual sessions), and we continue to severely restrict her access to electronic devices (but her friends at school let her on).  For my part, I am trying to keep calm by validating the "kernel of truth" and am re-starting my own individual therapy.

Is there anything else people would recommend?  Am I doing too much or too little?  Should I be pursuing a higher level of mental health care?  I worry about taking her out of school, as she is not doing well academically but says she enjoys it there (we also just got her approved for an IEP today).  Does more intensive treatment help with someone who is so defiant? 

Ugh, I feel like I am in the weirdest world ever.  I can't trust her, and I likewise feel I can't trust my responses to her.           

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Groovymom]

Hi Landslide. I am new here too, and don't really have any advice but wanted you to know you aren't alone. My daughter was on those sites starting at age 12 and kept going back to that activity like a drug. It was the first thing she did when she got her phone back after being kicked out of the military.  She's 19 now but I find it terrifying.

I just know you have to breathe, and take care of yourself. Hopefully those with more experience can give you concrete advice.

[lbjnltx]

Hi landslide,

Has your daughter shown any improvements as a result of DBT outpatient for a year?

If not... .it may be advisable to consider a new direction.

In this day and age it is extremely difficult to protect our children from the negative influences of this world and from their desire to engage in them.

My daughter's first diagnoses was ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder).  Intense treatment, especially peer accountability through group therapy, helped her.

[landslide]

Thank you for your replies and support. 

We are looking into some new options because you're right, if the treatment she is getting isn't helping her move in the right direction, it's not enough.  We're changing meds and looking into a couple services a care manager at my insurance suggested, including in-home intensive crisis counseling and county case management.  Hopefully something will help or at least link us to something else down the line.

[michmom]

Hi Landslide,

I appreciate how difficult it is to live in fear and frustration each day.  My BPD daugher (16) had a   significant set back while dealing with withdraws from medication she was on for 3 years.  Has your D behavior elevated lately?  Has she reached theraputic dose on the new med?  These withdraws and introductions can have dramatic results if the dose is reduced to quickly.

[landslide]

@michmom, I agree with you, I do think meds could be playing a role, her provider now added a mood stabilizer to see if that will help.  Have upcoming assessments to get more services and made my own appointment to go back to individual therapy because of all the stress and having a hard time regulating my own emotions in face of the daily chaos. 

Help can't come fast enough.  This morning I left before my daughter and drove to the gas station only to find my credit card was missing.  Sped back to the house before my husband dropped her off, confronted her and got my card back. Thankfully before she charged anything!  I was so angry I shouted and swore at her, which is again a sign of how much I have been losing it lately.  I later apologized for swearing at her but she of course has not apologized for stealing my credit card.  She told my husband that if we want her to stop stealing (we believe she is stealing from stores although this is the first time she we know of her attempting to steal from us), we "need to give her money."  He calmly explained that most people earn money through doing jobs or chores.       

Two people close to me are going through different awful things today,which is the only thing keeping me balanced and able to have perspective.  That and being at work, where I can focus and don't feel on eggshells.  Oddly enough, one of the last clients I saw today also has BPD traits.  It was much easier sitting in the professional chair.  My heart went out to her boyfriend who looked like a deer in the headlights.  I wanted to tell him, "Me, too!"

[michmom]

Hi Landslide,

We all can recall similiar situations when we react in the moment and later wish we could have a redo. I have learned to accept my fragile moments and express my true feelings to my daughter.  There are multiple approaches you can read about on this site that might help.  I finally recognized that my approach to life and my past reactions enabled my daughter to religuish her responsibilty to me which in turn made the situation worse.  The skills I am developing are now empowering her. My D was caught steeling at the mall and had to go to a 8 wk deversion program.  It helped her to suffer the consequences.  She eventually saw there are no short cuts to getting her needs met.  She is looking for a part time job.  After three suspensions from school we took her out of school for 3 months.  She is now back at school and managing much better with a new mood stabilizer and anti-dep medication.  Much more constent in her mood overall.  It has been a long four years but I do see progress.  DBT requires the right therapist.  Have you considered changing therapists?

[landslide]

Michmom, Thank you for sharing, as it is especially helpful to know that there can be progress!  I agree with what you are saying about working on our own reactions, and I am earnestly trying to do that with the help of this site.  I have wondered about changing therapists.  I am first curious to see whether the medication changes, especially adding a mood stabilizer, can help get help my daughter regulate enough to even participate in therapy.  She was really making progress between late fall and early winter, re-building good relationships with me and her stepfather and then there was an insidious decline (partly triggered by burning through a romantic relationship) followed by this 2-3 week vortex.  I keep trying to remind myself what it was like to be with her just a few months ago, when she apologized for all the things she had ever said to me in her rages.  This level of mental illness just takes my breath away.   

[michmom]

Hello L,

I know it is extremely difficult to begin building a better relationship and then have to experience a set back.  A couple of good weeks can lend it"s self to a false sense of security.  My daughters current therapist advised me "learn to train yourself to lead into each day with no expectations" she said "then you can enjoy each moment as it unfolds without baggage to tear it down" Yes, this illness will take our breath away if we let it.  Do you find the boyfriend triggers are the worst triggers?  They sure seem to be for us.  I have to tell my heart to stop racing everytime my daughter finds a new boy to be interested in.  These relationships tear her up the most.  The desire to be loved for who she thinks she is, is never the end result at this age.  Very dramatic and very scary.  I dread these situations.  No matter what I could say or do will ever make these deep hurts go away.  It is so sad.

[landslide]

Michmom, I agree the romantic relationship triggers are the absolute worst.  Both of my daughter's psychiatric hospitalizations and both of her worst downward spirals that did not include hospitalization were precipitated by romances gone bad.  Like you, we dread it when she starts talking about a new boy.  We have always felt a lot of her issues with boys relate to issues with her biological father, who has a personality disorder, addiction and anger issues.  I left him when my daughter was 2 years old.  He has always loved her but has never been capable of being a good father, and she stopped wanting to visit him about 2 years ago.  My husband (who has raised by daughter since she was 3) was talking to my ex the other day, and when my husband mentioned the boy issues, my ex literally said, "I don't get why she has problems with men."  I am so glad he said it to my husband and not me, or I would have lost my mind!  My husband basically responded, "A lot of it is because of you" (which is not the first time this has been pointed out).  I feel so sad that my daughter has so much pain and can only act out right now. 

[michmom]

Hi Landslide,

I appreciate your response.  Yes, I also think that my daughters pain is not addressing preceived abandonment issues with her biological dad.  He was her primary care giver for the first two and a half years of her life and even though we recognized that her highly sensitive nature was biological she has never addressed the male relationships in her four years of therapy.  Her self distructive behavior is always associated with the male/female relationship disappointments.  Everyday normal issues to us non-BPD individuals but literally life and death to BPD.  I am still trying to help her find personal self value.  Sometimes she wants to do the work and other times she does not.  In fact, she may just be too young to accept her responsibility in any of it.  It is bewildering to us isn't it?  Thank you for sharing.  It is helpful to hear we are not alone in this issues.  I will pray for your family and daughter.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders