Stopping BPD from abusing children

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi

My wife has been diagnosed with BPD, and has OCD. I've put up with it for ten years of marriage. We have a 9 year old girl and 5 year old boy. I've learnt to handle it the best I can, but my kids are showing signs now of struggling to handle it, and I fear my daughter is slowing developing it from the way my wife treats her.Also the abuse of the children, mostly mental is getting to them, and I feel I can no longer protect them. For example my wife makes my children stand in the shower naked after school for 30 minutes at a time with head lice shampoo every day. I cannot stand the head lice shampoo in my hair for longer than 30 seconds, as it stings your eyes. My wife knows this but makes the children put up with it. If they complain, or cry, as they often do, she screams at them, and tells them to not complain, otherwise they have to stay longer. Not only is this humiliating for the kids, but it also extremely painful. I've learnt to accept this practice, as every time I fight it, I cop physical and mental abuse for the next hour or two. I'm only writing this now, as my nine year old daughter is complaining more about the pain in her eyes. And if I try to defend my daughter, not only do I again cop the physical and mental abuse for hours, but it also turns my daughter against me, and she then defends my wife. Which you can understand as she doesn't want to cop more abuse. So I don't know what to do. I'm watching my daughter slowly develop BPD, and taking daily physical abuse and pain. Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this specific act of physical torture with burning shampoo in eyes, and standing in shower with it on for 30 minutes at a time? Of course the reason for it, is because my wife believes nits are all over school, and infiltrate the kids hair daily, and believes this is the only way to destroy them daily.

[Dameron]

Hi

My wife has been diagnosed with BPD, and has OCD. I've put up with it for ten years of marriage. We have a 9 year old girl and 5 year old boy. I've learnt to handle it the best I can, but my kids are showing signs now of struggling to handle it, and I fear my daughter is slowing developing it from the way my wife treats her.Also the abuse of the children, mostly mental is getting to them, and I feel I can no longer protect them. For example my wife makes my children stand in the shower naked after school for 30 minutes at a time with head lice shampoo every day. I cannot stand the head lice shampoo in my hair for longer than 30 seconds, as it stings your eyes. My wife knows this but makes the children put up with it. If they complain, or cry, as they often do, she screams at them, and tells them to not complain, otherwise they have to stay longer. Not only is this humiliating for the kids, but it also extremely painful. I've learnt to accept this practice, as every time I fight it, I cop physical and mental abuse for the next hour or two. I'm only writing this now, as my nine year old daughter is complaining more about the pain in her eyes. And if I try to defend my daughter, not only do I again cop the physical and mental abuse for hours, but it also turns my daughter against me, and she then defends my wife. Which you can understand as she doesn't want to cop more abuse. So I don't know what to do. I'm watching my daughter slowly develop BPD, and taking daily physical abuse and pain. Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this specific act of physical torture with burning shampoo in eyes, and standing in shower with it on for 30 minutes at a time? Of course the reason for it, is because my wife believes nits are all over school, and infiltrate the kids hair daily, and believes this is the only way to destroy them daily.

[bravhart1]

Umm, I'm sorry but, everyday? That's abuse. You need to call child protection and have them help you get some intervention. You are knowingly condoning abuse because your wife also abuses you. As the adult you are going to be held accountable.

Your wife is sick and should not be allowed to abuse you or your children. It is your responsibility alone to seek out IMMEDIATE help for you and your children.

Do not hesitate, it is too bad things are like this, and it's a hard thing to deal with, but those children are helpless to stand up against their mother, it is your duty to seek help for them.

[Panda39]

Hi Dameron

Sometimes in relationships with mental illness we normalize things that aren't normal so good for you to recognize the lice shampoo ritual is not normal and is not okay.

I agree with bravehart IMO this is child abuse... .something done to your kids by an adult (person in power) that is unnecessary and painful.

It is your job as their dad to put a stop to it.  Either you stand up for your kids alone or if you can't do that then reach out to social services, talk with a domestic violence counselor, your therapist, the kid's school counselor, your pastor... .someone that can help support you and your kids.

There are so many children of a BPD parent on these boards that experienced abuse at the hands of a mentally ill parent and another parent that enabled it. I don't mean to sound harsh but as one parent to another... .please don't be the enabler of abuse protect your children. 

Here is a model of the power and control wheel in terms of child abuse do you see behaviors you recognize in terms of how your wife treats your children? For that matter do you see these behaviors in terms of how she treats you?

www.theduluthmodel.org/cms/files/Abuse%20of%20Children.pdf

I recognized many of my SO's uBPDxw's behavior to both him and their daughters in this model and it gave those behaviors a name... ."Abuse and/or Neglect".

I also want to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to further information I hope you'll read when you have more time.  Boundaries would be a great topic to start with.

I hope you are able to act alone or with support to help your kids.

Take Care,

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

You are not alone.  Your children should have counselors, nurses or nurse aids in their schools.  Ask whether the school has had instances of lice with your children.  Get documentation whether and when they've had head lice.  Since it does happen sometimes, schools are quick to address any incidents.  If your children haven't had any reports of infestation then your spouse will be more likely to be scrutinized by social or children's services.  Inform your pediatrician of your concerns, make sure they get logged on the children's medical records.

Schools, doctors and other professionals are mandated reporters if they see or suspect some sort of abuse.  So you're not alone fighting for your children, but you are their best and strongest hope.

I don't know how long the special shampoos are to be left in hair.  I found this:  "Allow product to remain on the hair (or other affected area) for 10 minutes, but no longer."  The instructions also stated a second treatment 7-10 days later, presumably with monitoring afterward.  No mention of daily or constant use.

I agree with the others, for the sake of your children, you ought to report it.  She's not listening to you, so whether you can establish a firm boundary, I don't know.  You haven't managed to do so before now.  As much as we are reluctant to raise the conflict to get society's intervention, is there any other choice?

Of course, if you do seek outside support, understand this can put your marriage, as unhealthy as it is, at risk.  Her perception of you seeking aid for your children is a challenge to her warped need to control and dominate, she may really overreact and attack you either physically, emotionally (with guilting) or legally (with false allegations).  (If that happens you may need to visit our Family Law board.)  But you must do something, your children need someone to stand up for them.  It won't stop or get under control until you determine and take steps for it to stop.

If/when trained professionals get involved, be prepared for her to minimize her actions, excuse them and even blame shift the fault onto you.  She will have no loyalty for you, she could very well throw you under the bus.  My story... .I had that worry.  And that's what happened, she claimed I was the abuser, forcing our separation and eventual divorce.  So before I tried to get us into joint counseling, before I appealed to the pediatrician for help, before I called CPS (twice), before that I bought my first voice recorder (today there are so many other devices that can be used in the background).  I realized I needed to document that I wasn't the one behaving poorly.  I realized my ex would minimize her actions later so I needed to document then so she couldn't deny them in "he-said, she-said" that often result in sabotaging assistance.

[Thunderstruck]

Lice is a big trigger for my SD's uBPDbm too. SD got it three times since I've been in the picture. The first time uBPDbm demanded that we take SD (and me too, thanks kiddo  ) to a lice treatment clinic which was CRAZY expensive. The second (and third) time SD (and me again... .) got it, we used home remedy treatments.

uBPDbm screamed at SD about getting the lice, blamed it on our "dirty house" and threatened to call CPS if we didn't take her to the clinic. We didn't give in, treated her with the shampoo and very patiently picked through her hair with the nit comb.

I can understand that kids pick up lice. It happens. Using that shampoo daily is probably really dangerous for them though. It has all sorts of toxic chemicals. There are other things she could do, like use a nit comb daily to check their hair.

(P.S. The shampoo only kills adult lice, not the nits or juveniles).

[Turkish]

I agree that something needs to change. Calling CPS right away may escalate without documentation (pediatrician, counselors as other have said) or a plan. What you can do also as a first step is to reach out to an anonymous hot-line. The CPS in my jurisdiction has an anonymous phone number where you can ask questions. Is there anything like that where you live?

[ForeverDad]

One thing that is different in your case versus many others described here is that she's been diagnosed with BPD and perhaps OCD too.  While a diagnosis doesn't mean that she's automatically in the wrong, but it is something, an 'edge', many of us didn't have.  Since she's already been diagnosed, the professionals may be less reluctant to connect the dots.

I recall in my Custody Evaluation the evaluator, a child psychologist who also taught at a local university, specifically told me in my initial session that he wasn't there to make a diagnosis.  He would stick to the tests, the parenting history and the behaviors.  Though his initial report described her "tangential thinking" and some other things, his summary was not technical... ."Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... ."

Your spouse's behaviors are more obvious, they will probably be 'actionable' to some extent, my spouse's behaviors were not as extreme.  Perhaps they will recommend or require monitoring or that you must ensure the children are treated more normally.

[C.Stein]

I agree with what Turkish said and will add this.  Lice shampoo contains insecticide (read poison).  As with all insecticides the label is the law and I would assume this is also the case with lice shampoo.  There is good reason for this as using the product against labeled instructions could put your children's health at risk.   

This is not something that should be ignored or tolerated and IMO is something that needs to be addressed immediately.

[martillo]

Wow, what a tough situation you are in, Dameron... .until you are able to get an intervention in place, would your wife be open to other non-insecticide treatments... .mayonaise is supposed to "smother" the adult lice (and as someone pointed out-the lice shampoo only handles the adults), tea tree oil (which can also be very tingly and burn a bit) and other essential oils can also kill and prevent those nasty little bug-a-loos ... .you might consult a specialist in holistic types of treatments ... .when I was pregnant w one of my kiddos, my older son got lice and the itchy, yuck factor made me want to do some prophylactic treatment w the lice shampoo but my OB said absolutely not as the pesticide in it would absorb through my scalp/skin... .I was able to have a friend at work check my hair daily and fortunately remained lice free.