Painting black

[Depression = 72% of members]

I might have told this story at some point, but I don't think so.

Over the last year of our r/s, my ex had let me know that he was making efforts to get over me. We were stuck in a holding pattern, because I was still with my bf and hadn't committed to him (see letter here for details if curious: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291889.0).

We kept a secret blog, which he wrote on a lot. Once, I was reading the blog and I clicked on his avatar by accident and a list of blogs came up: ours, and another one I didn't know about. So I looked at that blog.

There was one entry, which was an account of the day he'd declared himself "all in" to me. (Mind you, he was still married at the time.) In this account, I was a cynical, unfeeling person who was toying with him in a lazy, indifferent way. I can't remember the details exactly, but it was absolutely chilling. It bore no resemblance to the person he reflected back to me. To my face he talked about my empathic nature and sensitivity. The person in this story was a monster.

I confronted him about it. He was alarmed that I'd gotten access--he'd meant to make it private. He said it was not how he actually thought of me, it didn't reflect the truth--that writing about me that way was something he did to help himself get over me.

It seemed so strange at the time. I was sympathetic to his situation and why he'd want to stop loving me, but I could not fathom the mindset of someone who would use this kind of trick to change his feelings. I couldn't understand how it would even work. How could I--that is, my most essential character--be something he could adjust and play around with in his mind like that? I tried to forget about it.

I think this was a rare glimpse of the process of "painting black."

[steelwork]

I might have told this story at some point, but I don't think so.

Over the last year of our r/s, my ex had let me know that he was making efforts to get over me. We were stuck in a holding pattern, because I was still with my bf and hadn't committed to him (see letter here for details if curious: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291889.0).

We kept a secret blog, which he wrote on a lot. Once, I was reading the blog and I clicked on his avatar by accident and a list of blogs came up: ours, and another one I didn't know about. So I looked at that blog.

There was one entry, which was an account of the day he'd declared himself "all in" to me. (Mind you, he was still married at the time.) In this account, I was a cynical, unfeeling person who was toying with him in a lazy, indifferent way. I can't remember the details exactly, but it was absolutely chilling. It bore no resemblance to the person he reflected back to me. To my face he talked about my empathic nature and sensitivity. The person in this story was a monster.

I confronted him about it. He was alarmed that I'd gotten access--he'd meant to make it private. He said it was not how he actually thought of me, it didn't reflect the truth--that writing about me that way was something he did to help himself get over me.

It seemed so strange at the time. I was sympathetic to his situation and why he'd want to stop loving me, but I could not fathom the mindset of someone who would use this kind of trick to change his feelings. I couldn't understand how it would even work. How could I--that is, my most essential character--be something he could adjust and play around with in his mind like that? I tried to forget about it.

I think this was a rare glimpse of the process of "painting black."

[WoundedBibi]

Thank you steelwork. I needed to read that; the ranting on a blog. Just another attempt to paint the (ex) SO black. Although my ex does it out in the open under his own name for all his family, friends and minions to see, the essence is the same. You were painted black, I'm painted black. That's all it is.

[steelwork]

Yeah, some are more two-faced than others.

[steelwork]

I mean, I realize that I was the ultimate two-face, given that I was in a relationship with someone else, but I don't have the capacity to just play around in my mind with who a person is, whether I think they are essentially good or bad, black or white.

What was so odd was that he was doing this consciously, on purpose. It was completely intentional (to borrow from another thread)--like active dreaming or something. I wonder how common this is. I haven't heard it talked about.

[steelwork]

(Talking to myself, I guess... .)

Sometimes I think the extreme circumstances of our r/s were the ultimate stress test. The tendencies that might have taken many years to emerge, given my ex's prodigious talent for managing his image, leaked out right away. I learned how he copes with stress, and it's ugly.

[WoundedBibi]

    (Still here  )

For me the ridiculous thing remains: he started this blog almost 7 months after our last personal contact... Either all the stress of what happened there and afterwards (him getting dismissed, not having another job, etc) so got to him that he needed to vent and paint me black, or the situation with me still occupied his mind, or he was dangling for my attention, hoping I would react. Or all 3. Not a psychic so speculating is pointless but the timing of it all seems so strange...

[steelwork]

It is strange timing. Do you think he was doing it as a way of tricking himself into hating you?

I guess that's the thing: my ex wrote what he did only for himself, as an exercise, he said. It was so creepy and weird to find out he was creating this private Bad Steelwork for his own purposes while being sweet as ever to me. And that he could even articulate the reason: so that he would get over me.

Anyhow, it struck me as a particularly transparent and self-aware example of painting black.

[Quintessence]

  If I may contribute with my own story regarding our persistent painters, I think it fits well here.

  Just a little background, I was with my ex for six years. Back then I did not know that she was a person with BPD.

  During the last weeks of the relationship, right before I was dumped, we had a strained conversation about an incident with a guy my ex would later leave me for. A week after that first conversation, we had another one during which my ex revealed that the memory of our first conversation was still very much on her mind. To put it simply, she was angry at me for bringing up the topic back then. We also talked about other topics during that second time, and at one point I said something sweet (unintentionally) - something only a sincere caregiver and a rescuer would say. When she heard that, she said to me ''you made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Shame on you! Now I can't be angry at you!'' I laughed at this, but she repeated that sentence, annoyed and frustrated: ''I'm serious. Now I can't be angry at you!'' The frustration was evident in her voice. At that moment I realized, ''shame on you, now I can't be angry at you'' was no joke. It was not just an expression. She was genuinely vexed that I had sabotaged (at least for the time being) her latest painting project. Unknowingly I had stopped her paintbrush. Since I did not know that she had BPD, I did not interpret that situation the right way and was oblivious to what was really going on - that I was being painted black. Ten days later I was dumped.

  To sum up, I believe she was deep in the process of painting me black, but I did something (said something) that slowed down the whole project. In the end my experienced painter finished the job, obviously, or I would not be here on this forum.

  I believe they paint you black in order to justify their own shameful actions. They need to become the victim in order for their shameful actions to be justified (cheating or leaving you for someone else), so they reach for the brush. I believe it's a built-in defense mechanism. It seems that at the core of everything they do is the need to protect themselves... .not just from others but from themselves, too. The scariest thing for them is to look in the mirror and see their own reflection. Instead of hating the person in the mirror, they direct their hateful gaze at you.

   

[GreenEyedMonster]

What was so odd was that he was doing this consciously, on purpose. It was completely intentional (to borrow from another thread)--like active dreaming or something. I wonder how common this is. I haven't heard it talked about.

My ex talked about how he would read his journals he wrote about his ex-fiancee to intentionally cultivate hatred toward her.  It was intentional on his part, too.

[WoundedBibi]

As far as I can tell my ex already hated me. He had painted me black via a smear campaign to all who would listen (which are a lot of people since he attracts a lot of people due to his magical charms and good looks that blind people). His female friend that he triangulated with did her part, getting her 'gang' involved. That was months and months ago. So logically (yeah, I know... ) no need to paint me black some more on a blog.

Maybe it was because he felt so low about his life and projects the mess he is in on me, simply forgetting his issues existed way before he met me. It's easier and less painful to blame me than to look at himself.

Maybe it was because he couldn't actively punish me anymore, seeing me getting hurt and get enjoyment out of that, as he couldn't physically get to me. And hurting me through a blog is of course more efficient than via a personal text or email. He's got an audience and he knows I'm a private person that values her privacy and hates gossip.

Maybe his hatred for me got less and he needed to feed it again.

Maybe it's because normally he would 'flee the scene' and leave for another job in another country providing him with fresh supply. No fresh environment this time, no new job, no fresh supply. Just old supply.

Or a combination of all of the above. Or something I haven't thought of. I don't know, I'll never know.

But it keeps me wondering. Probably because of the work situation. I could live a lot better with 'he liked me, he felt good around me, until he didn't, then it was over, the end'. No more ties, no more drama, he just forgets about me and I just work on me getting to be emotionally happy.

It's something I've never heard or seen him do like this with other exgfs. Bitter about them yes, "I'm no longer on speaking terms with my ex" said in a bitter way with the face to match, but full blown smear, no. That doesn't mean of course he never has, just not something I heard him do, let alone read from him. So for some reason I appear to be a massive trigger. No, I wasn't 'the one' for him but it looks I'm 'the one trigger'    At least for the past year that is.

Anyway, time to stop wondering because I'll never know and it's just a mindf*ck. Time to work on me and let go completely. I've already stopped the checking up. But most probably I will be able to let go better/more/fully once I've returned to work and have been able to feel how I'm being received there.