Need help with how to respond wisely

[Josie C]

Today I had a particularly tense discussion with my BPD d21 about some pressing financial troubles of hers; ones she was trying to keep secret/ignore but which then spewed into our life instead.  I kept things low-key, matter-of-fact, and tried to validate the stress that comes from facing an unpleasant reality. (This was tough and I had to practice -I am really angry at her irresponsibility and lack of regard for how her actions affect the rest of the family. I had to remind myself that getting angry just gives her an opportunity to shift the focus.)

Her anxiety was intense--having to face her dad and me, own up to her mistakes, and explain her plan of action. It all went better than I expected, actually.  It's anyone's guess if she will follow through on things without more intervention, though.

One comment she made really troubles me. When talking about her anxiety she said repeatedly that I just don't understand how stressed she is and how awful it feels to be her. And I agreed. I told her I don't know how she feels; I can see she is suffering and I have no idea of the depth of her pain. I asked if she felt the need to take steps to improve things.

And she said, "I don't want to work that hard.  I have to work really hard just to be 'almost normal.' I can work really hard and just feel so-so, or I can not work at all and be miserable. I'd rather be miserable. YOU just have to accept that this is how I will always be."

She's made similar statements before and I just don't know how to respond. What do you say when someone tells you they would rather be miserable?  How do you respond in a don't-make-it-worse way?

She's had two years of therapy and meds for anxiety and depression but chose to quit it all last summer when her therapist was pushing her to start DBT.  She left home to take a temporary job out-of-state (a nice respite for us all) and returned home two months ago.  The first month home was still a "honeymoon" and now reality is settling in and all signs indicate she's heading for another crisis. It's so hard to watch her downward spiral and feel powerless to impact its course.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there JC

it sounds as if you've got a really good line of communication with your daughter as she's able to open up and share how she's feeling. I know that feeling of anger at their irresponsibility and immaturity. We used to get so hopping mad with our BPDs.

I can really relate to your post in so many ways. We have a BPDs25 who has a real problem with money management. Over the years we've had a few conversations like yours and I can tell you we didn't deal with them very well at all - pre diagnosis. We are learning a better way now. It's sounds like you did really well!

With our BPDs it's all about instant gratification despite his loathing to part with the money - an internal battle that makes him feel even worse about himself as he always makes a bad choice.

Bpds returned home mid-Dec 15 following crisis (sept diagnosis). We've been working on making him feel safe, as stress free as possible while slowly building relationships. He's started to finally share himself. It's been amazing to see small signs of improvement in his behaviours. All down to the help on this forum as we've inched forward.

My BPDs has said to me the very same words as your daughter. It's a bit spooky. Xmas was 8 days of deep low mood, he picked up for a week or so and then went down again : honeymoon period over.  He said "you've no idea how hard it is for me, it's just exhausting... .my head races all the time... .you and dad have made it so much worse for me (this refers to our zero tolerance with drugs in the house),... .I will never feel normal... .I have a deep pit of emptiness in my chest and I just try and fill it, that's why I did so many drugs... .I will never have a good relationship... .I just want to be happy but know I never will be... .what's the point... .its just too hard".  

I reacted by taking him to A&E. With crisis there is change. I decided I had to change things, as he was incapable. My mistake? Who knows, but he Got a successful referral to the mental health team but BPDs has failed 6 appointments.

Referring to money he recently said "I just want to remain childlike with money".

I encourage him to seek treatment and be positive: there is help out there.

We are working on money management skills as we wait for him to decide to seek treatment. Our own confidence is building and understand that there may be a day when BPDs says "I've no money to pay you my rent", I hope that when/if the time comes we have the strength to tell him to leave as he hasn't kept to the agreement.

Life is difficult with all of the unknowns, what ifs. But it's a lot easier when we see BPDs improvements, albeit small ones. I try and remember how far we've all come. In a way, for the first time, I see my work here as being for us not my Bpds. I hope he keeps up with us, I'm happy to go slow and even at his pace with a nudge along. The real progression is our own as we start to detach and hand over responsibility to the rightful hands, his.

But it IS HARD!

I'm really interested in reading the replies to your post.

L

[lbjnltx]

Hi Josie C,

Sorry that your d isn't showing signs that she is wanting to work on feeling better.  It's so hard for us to know that they are miserable and even harder to hear that they don't want to do anything to change it.

Looking at it from a validating, not-my-problem-to-be-able to solve perspective maybe a response like:

I'm so sorry that you feel miserable all the time and you are right, it does take a lot of work to elevate yourself.  If you decide you do want to work at it I will support you as much as I'm able.  I want nothing more than for you to be happy and the best "you" possible. 

lbj

[Josie C]

Lollypop, you could be in my living room.  So many of the same situations here. 

You are right when you say that our work here is for us.  DH and I have spent the last year in a DBT program, despite my daughter being vehemently opposed to trying it herself. Between DBT and the tools and lessons here there is such a difference in our home!  I've really begun to appreciate and understand how I can only change myself.  Even my three younger sons have commented on the improvement in relationships.  Still similar difficult issues, but much less drama.

Thanks for helping me to remember the small improvements and set an example by continuing to work on me.  In the past, I would have reacted quickly and strongly to her intense misery. Now, at least I can let her feel her pain and not own it myself.

Lbj, I really like that approach-- particularly the phrase "I will support you as much as I'm able." Support is such a better mindset than "help"! It changes the dynamic in a really positive way.

Josie

[Lollypop]

Hi josie c

Going to dbt therapy is a great opportunity and the fact your younger kids are benefitting is fantastic. It gives me hope that one day my BPDs decides. He had two months dbt in Cali before returning home to the U.K. So next time, he'll be better prepared. It's all a process.

I'm reading "I don't have to make everything all better". It's a mixture of feelings I'm having as I face the fact that I got so much wrong, trying to get new information to stick, eager for my H to read (if he will). I've been overwhelmed by the task ahead but decided to concentrate on 3 things at a time and make sure I do them really well. When secured I'll move on.

It's marvellous you stand together with your H as a team, it must make such a difference. Stay strong.