With all the ups and downs, constant changes with my son I'm discouraging myself. I'm so tired of fighting his mother and her ever changing presentation of who ever she happens to be each day.
She's giving our son up, she takes him back. She's ready to die, she's happy again. She's coherent she's back to outerspace.
For one, I worked to keep our relationship together while she was unable to reciprocate, I feel I'm doing the same with our son. I'm not sure since I've been NC what state she's in and then our son goes back to what? Who? Safety? Normalcy? Neglect?
I never knew unless I was with them both
I'm seeing her as a child, disordered and confused, defiantly mentally ill. I want to do my best for our son but I am afraid for him knowing what I know about his mother.
People tell me to put all this in God's hands, I try but I'm not always able to let go.
We know she loves him, we also know she cannot care for herself.
After what happened last night, her leaving her car and home keys in his diaper bag only to want to come get them knowing she would see me only solidifies my fear she's going to attempt a recycle with me.
Not to be egotistical and I know I'm not, I helped her from homelessness through serious drug abuse through meth through rape through several suicide attempts to hospitalization to pregnancy to another round of addiction to raising our child to another round of addiction on and on and on.
I know I've been foolish and an enabler but she has to know the hell I've been through to help her? Don't I deserve a fricken star of vapor or at least a
.
Anyway I am with our son as I type this and I fear for his future, because of her and because of me
