Any divorce/separated experiences with 50/50: kids live in house, we cycle out?

[gary seven]

I have heard about this and would like to see if anyone has any feedback .

Life imitates Art?  I actually saw it on the Amazon show Transparent. 

One adult child (the Mom) has BPD (my impression).  The husband states the house belongs to the kids and the parents would do more harm than is already inflicted.

I have young kids, S11, D9, S9, who are finally after three years starting to make friends.  I would hate to rip them out of this location.

Is it confusing for one parent one week and one parent the next?

All of their stuff is in the same place, no lost animals. no lost homework.

Each of us would stay "off campus" on the off weeks.

Spouse says that is the worst possible b/c there would be two diffferent parenting styles.  But wouldn't there even if we had 2 houses?

[ForeverDad]

kids live in house, we cycle out?

Financial... .Are you two independently wealthy?  Most can't afford it.  If between you you can't easily have 3 homes, then this sort of in-out won't work for long.  This may be a variation of helicopter parenting, parents always jumping in and out.

Relationship... .The consensus here is that it's not a good idea.  You may think it's best for the kids not to go back and forth but really it's is good for them.  How so?  They go between Dad's home and Mom's home.  Children need anchors in their lives.  As much as we may not want to disturb their lives, it's the children that need to transition, not the parents.  Also, going between two homes helps the children to accept the finality of a divorce.

Future... .What if Mother or Father or both start other relationships and marry in the future?  Do the spouses, step-siblings and half-siblings move in and out too?  That's another reason why parents cycling in and out is not a long term solution.

We've had thousands of parents join here and I don't remember any doing this, at least not for long.  The question has of course been asked before.  Maybe some did, but it would have been very few.

As for 50/50... .my Custody Evaluator expected 50/50 but warned a 7/7 schedule with our history wasn't good until the children are about 10.  At the time my son was nearly 6 years old so we did a 2/2/3 schedule where my Ex had Mon-Tue overnights, I had Wed-Thu overnights and we alternated the 3 weekend overnights.

So your thoughts of 7/7 could be okay.  It would reduce the number of potential opportunities for confrontations.  Also, you could probably make most exchanges through the school, such as Monday am the kids take the bus from one parent's home and Monday pm take the bus to the other parent's home.  Or pick another day of week that works for you.  I used Monday (that day is more likely to have holidays) rather than Friday since you don't want the children to arrive late or in a foul mood just before a vacation or other weekend event.

If you would have equal time, then who would be the Residential Parent for School Purposes?  That person's residence would determine which schools the children attend.

[HopefulDad]

It's called birdnesting.  The main driver is usually financial: The parents' combined incomes cannot support 2 households large enough for the kids, so the kids remain in the house and the parents spend their off days in a cheaper place like a one-bedroom place, with a relative or roommate, etc.  The secondary driver is usually "less disruption for the kids", but it can easily end up being even more hectic than having separate residences... .

Even in friendly divorces, the logistics of custody can be a hassle.  Sure, if you have a set plan and almost never deviate from it, you make life so much easier on yourself.  But often something can come up that prompts a change of a custody day here and there, switching a weekend every now and then, a parent gets sick or hurt and it isn't in the best interests of the kids to be in their care at that time, etc.  Sometimes your ex wants to make a brief switch, sometimes you do, so working in a quid pro quo manner where you each accommodate each other when feasible is usually best.

Now imagine throwing in changing the parents' residences whenever these both planned and impromptu switches occur.  Imagine dealing with the logistics if the parents are spending their off nights at someone's place and might have to coordinate changes there.  Perhaps one or both of you decide it's not worth the hassle of switching so you end up never switching.  You miss a ball game or poker night over it.  Ex misses a friend's birthday bash over it.  You're suffering the flu and the ex won't switch with you.

Honestly, I would look at birdnesting as purely a financial consideration and a huge headache as far as the kids and custody are concerned. And even as a financial consideration, it would need to be very compelling to do it.

[Grey Kitty]

This solution seems to provide more stability for the kids living situation at the expense of less stability for the parents living situation.

It *may* be a financial advantage to maintain one residence large enough for the entire family and two smaller ones for each parent as a single person than to maintain two households big enough for one parent plus kids. Or it may cost more.

If one parent (your ex?) is mentally/emotionally unstable, and unreliable, it seems to open up a whole bunch of cans of worms.

If one of you has a sudden medical emergency, has to travel on short notice for work, etc., this becomes more disruptive to the other parent (as FD suggests)

And what do you do if your partner doesn't want to leave when it is time for your parenting? You can't really kick her out easily.

You have a household that requires normal maintenance, cleaning, etc., nd this is all a joint responsibility--another potential source of extra conflict.

... .If you and your spouse are amicably split, this sounds worth considering.

... .If you and your spouse are high conflict during/after the split, this seems like a way to make sure that the conflict festers more and spills out into the kids lives more.