BPDh can't say "no" to his kids...

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, we had a really good day, until his grown son calls, and BPDh is yet again filtering money into his son's bank account. Even more than what he asked for. I just don't get the enabling, and why BPDh feels he's responsible for his son's lack of money management. He actually said he's to blame for his son being this way?  j

Now, it's not so much the money that bothers me, it's the fact that BPDh makes decisions unilaterally, and yet if I want to do something with or for my underage kid, he gets mad. BPDh threw my son out, yet he funds his kid any time he gets in a bind. Apparently my step son's mother said "no". Well, good for her. She is likely trying to teach him, but BPDh runs to the rescue every time.

In the last two weeks, his son has needed gas money, and now a new tire for his car, and BPDh even has given gas money to reimburse his son's girlfriend? Sort of like how BPDh couldn't buy ME anything for Valentines Day, but he put money into his son's bank account so his son could buy something for the girlfriend. Yeah, that one still stings.

The REAL issue though, is that we clearly disagree on this issue, and that's okay, but I don't like how BPDh treats me when he's angry. He's not using his DBT skills, and I'm sick of being treated this way. Just yesterday he made promises to "do better", and gave all these reassurances that he doesn't want me to move out(I've been seriously considering it, and have looked at apartments). If he truly wanted me to stay, shouldn't his behaviors improve? I feel he CAN control his behaviors more than he does, and so does our MC.

I've accepted he's always going to have anger issues, he's always going to be moody, and he's never going to be "easy, but he says he wants to be better, but when faced with a situation, he doesn't apply himself to actually BEHAVING better. I don't mind anger, if it's respectful, and not condescending, sarcastic, and mean. This is a huge issue. Plus, he withdraws, ,and I don't mean the "taking a time out to cool down" kind. Nope, he withdraws to punish.

I think he likes the idea of "being better", but when faced with the reality of it, he's selfish. He's going to do or say whatever feels good to him at the time. Being his son's rescuer feels good. Being mean to me, feels good.

I went from feeling like things had really made a turn for the better, to feeling like all it takes is a ripple in the pond of life to make him forget his new resolve to be "better". He's not falling back on his DBT skills, he's white knuckling it, which is probably why "nice" flies out the window... .

[flourdust]

Hi, CB. I'll be honest, here -- I feel like I've read this same post from you a dozen times before.

You talked about looking to make changes, to move out or find a job or do something else. How is that planning going?

[Cloudy Days]

I think where you are getting stuck as I have gotten stuck before is that your husband will have a decent week and he will promise certain things to you. Things that he may not even be able to do, and you believe him and it makes you feel  better about the relationship so you stay. This is the moment where he keeps you stuck, it's what you get out of the relationship. The good days where he says he'll work on things. This gives you a sense of relief because you have stayed and sacrificed and he is admitting that there is a problem with his behavior. But then he goes back to how he always acts and you get hurt because he went back to how things have always been.

From every post I have read from you, it seems as if nothing your husband decides on has had any input from you. I don't think that is going to change. And I don't really understand why you think it would change any time soon because that has been the pattern. The only thing that can change is your reaction to it because that is the only thing that you have control over. Your husband isn't going to stop giving his son money and since you don't work he has say over where his money goes which means your son won't get any money. This is only one reason why it would be a wise thing for you to obtain a job. So you would have some money and you would have say over what happens to it. And no I would not allow him any access to your money.

I think the big thing you need to swallow here is in the moment he probably does want to "be better" and he means it when he says it. But once his emotions take over that all goes out the window. People who suffer from emotional disorders live in the moment. so what was said before doesn't usually hold true and it's never really going to.

I think one of the biggest things I accepted when I was doing the radical acceptance thing was that I had to accept that my husband was going to keep going back to his dysfunctional ways of coping with life. When something big happens and stress gets poured on thick, I have to be prepared to be the person dealing with the situation. Because I know no matter how good my husband is doing in dealing with regular life and our day to day routine. He's not capable of dealing with out of the ordinary situations in a healthy way. When he does the same thing over and over again it's predictable. I think you are getting stuck on your husband's predictable behaviors, like him giving money to his kids and him not talking to you about important decisions. He's not done it in the past so what makes you think he is going to do it in the future?

[Daniell85]

your BPD husband did not throw your son out. You threw your son out and chose this relationship with your husband over the relationship you have as a mother with a child.

Let's be real here.

You want the marriage and you are willing to give up a child, your dignity, self respect, a job, friends, peaceful interaction and support to and with your own family.

I feel for you, don't get me wrong. It's hard to leave, it's hard to accept the flat out truth.

You come here and vent the same upset over and over again. It would be good to hear some acknowledgement of who is actually allowing these things in your life. It would be good to hear about a job you applied to and got. It would be good to hear that you accept your BPD husband for what he is, though you don't agree with his actions. You can do both.

Probably this sounds harsh. I won't say sorry for it. You have a lot to make right with your own self. Instead you are busily applying your energy where it has no effect. You said you worked on yourself and the marriage and here you are, all of this stuff still happening and how upset you are. How about you do something else? : get a job, get a social life, support  your own self and your son and parents, and absolutely detach from the antics of your husband, his son, and his unpleasant daughters. You aren't going to get a say in much of anything. ALL of them have made that plain to you. So go do something else that you DO have a say in!

[Cloudy Days]

I must also say I have seen this dynamic with children and step children before too. My mother in law will spend a lot of money on her children, my husband and his brother who are 40 and 43 by the way. It's her money and honestly she doesn't tell her husband about it because he doesn't think she should give them a dime. However he has literally bought cars for his own child and didn't ask her opinion about it. They both have their own money and they both spend it how they please on their own children. I've seen the Christmas gifts she gives to her step kids and they aren't anything of what we get. It's just a matter of it being her own children vs. her step children.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I actually have started a sort of job. I'm not making quite what I could be if I went out and found a full time job, but I can also set my own hours. I just don't talk about that stuff here. When I move out, and life is less stressful, finding a "job" will be the least of my worries.

I've fully acknowledged that "I" chose my marriage when BPDh threw my kids out, and HE DID in fact throw my kids out. I didn't throw them out, HE DID. Now, I could have gone with them, but I also wanted my marriage to work, and my son and BPDh did not get along. Of course, BPDh doesn't get along with a lot of people.

Danielle: I do not come here to get your approval, or anyone else's. I come here to vent, and get ideas. I have a social life, and things that I enjoy doing. I've just started up a way to make some of my own income, and BPDh doesn't have access to that account(which I don't feel right about). I also don't think it's okay for you to judge me, when you don't truly know me. I have worked on myself, and my issues, and I've had a lot of therapists meet us both, and basically tell me "good luck", he doesn't want to work on himself. This latest MC says he seems to want to stay married, but he is willing to throw me under the bus. I get that.

I do think I'm stuck buying into what he says, and not what he DOES. He really seems to want to be healthier, but as Cloudy Days stated, when it gets right down to it, he does what he'd always done, even if he knows the outcome will likely be bad. I can't comprehend that, and I guess I never will.

I do think I deserve more, and I want a more peaceful life. I've been looking at apartments, and I've actually done some packing of my stuff, I'm just not sure I want to totally throw in the towel.

[Ceruleanblue]

And the step kid issue annoys me because of the dsyfuntion, not because of the money. BPDh tries to buy his kids' love, and has zero boundaries. I feel he's enabling, and he's been told this before, by our MC. I've been guilty of giving my son anything he wants, ever since I moved away from him. I've put a stop to that.

I just hate to see him taken advantage of, because I've been there. I guess the difference is that I noticed it when it happened to me, and he doesn't seem to notice? Plus, his son comes to our house, and wants things that BPDh has gotten for me. Plants, birds, there is no limit to what he wants and expects. I don't want to damage the only good relationship I have with one of his four kids, but I don't think I should do what BPDh does, and just give his son anything he wants? Heck, I don't do that with my own kids.

All of this is just too hard, and say what you will, I have worked my own issues, and of course am not perfect, but in no way do I deserve or want this to continue. Radical acceptance is one thing, and I'm all for that, but I can't accept that this is the best it's ever going to get, which is why I'm finally admitting I am undecided. I want things to work, but I'm just half the equation. No job, no self work, no boundary is going to magically turn him into someone without a PD. I have OCD, and anxiety, and I claim them, and I don't blame him for them.

I can change how I react, I agree to that. I agree I can get a job or get back in school, but that's not going to change our relationship. He's going to be this way, no matter what I do. Same way my OCD won't "go away" if he was a different person. Marriage is about getting along, and good will, and being kind.

I'm at the point where I think being alone, doing my own thing, would be better than living like this.

[Cloudy Days]

I think at some point you may need to accept that he's not going to change much. He says he will, but that is just to keep you where you are. I realized awhile ago that when my husband feels backed in a corner with our relationship or anything in general, he will say whatever you want to hear. If you aren't careful you believe what he says. His mother and I both have fallen for it. Your husband somehow knows exactly what you want to hear and that's what he uses to keep you on the line. That's how you get hurt, actions always speak louder than words and you listen to his words and believe he is really going to try this time around and then you are let down again and again. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, remember that the next time he feeds you what you want to hear. It's manipulation at it's finest and your husband is very good at manipulating you.

I don't think you have to accept that the relationship will never get better but there are certain things that just aren't going to change. His relationship with other people (his kids) probably isn't going to change so if it is something you don't like, it's going to be something you need to accept. You can put boundaries around him giving away your things, I think that is perfectly reasonable and doable.

Can you explain to me why you are uncomfortable with not allowing your husband to have access to your money? Mainly because it doesn't seem like you have access to his and he makes a significant amount of money. f he has access to yours don't you see him taking it for himself since he does not do well managing money?  I'm also wondering if you move out why would a job be the least of your worries? You need a job to pay for the rent, a job is just as important as the apartment itself unless you have a significant amount of money saved up. If you do decide to leave you can't do it in a half assed way, it will only make you go back to your husband if you are not prepared. Most jobs available aren't enough for one person to live on, so finding a job is something you should seriously consider if you are going to leave.

I sort of agree that you did kick your son out. I can't have kids so maybe I have a skewed view but I also had wonderful loving parents. If they had kicked me out before I was of age to take care of myself I would have felt abandoned, if my mother had chosen me over a man, that would be devastating. My husband's mother chose her husband over her son "my husband" and my husband never really got over it. Your husband may have threw your son out but you allowed it to happen. You allow everything that your husband does to happen because you don't have any boundaries. At this point you have given up everything because you haven't figured out how to put your foot down. Both because either he tells you what you want to hear when you get serous about leaving or because he gets angry and loud and you back down. Both of these are manipulation techniques and you need to see them for what they are.

[Verbena]

I think he likes the idea of "being better", but when faced with the reality of it, he's selfish. He's going to do or say whatever feels good to him at the time. Being his son's rescuer feels good. Being mean to me, feels good

I think you pretty well summed it up.  The question is, can you live with that?  I think you already know that he isn't going to change. 

[Daniell85]

Going off on me, CB, is not going to help you. Repeating back to you what you have told us is not me giving approval or not giving approval. It has nothing at all to do with anything about not knowing you or anything else.

Your husband demanded your son be gone . So you removed your son and your son agreed to it because ( as you described it) your son was more worried about your crying and your worry about losing a man than you were worried about being a present parent to a vulnerable child. 15 is a child. You then followed up by saying your son had been disrespectful to you anyway and you were ignoring him, he needed to grow up a bit and you weren't going to be there for him until he was respectful.

All along most of my worry about your situation has been for your son. Why should your husband ( in his mind) treat you as a valued person when you are clearly willing to desert a child on a grown man's behalf?

There is no greater thing for you to have sacrificed than a child. You typically follow up the stuff about your son with well he will be graduated and off to his own life soon anyway. Like that takes away the damage to him and to you after what you actually did?

I don't see a single thing that you will not discard in your attempt to keep this abusive man in your life.

I am not sure how venting is helping. We hear very little about your social life with your girfriends or places you are going with friends. We hear you won't apply for a job because your husband is against it.  I don't see where any of this has a thing to do with my approval, they are just facts as told by you.

I can step out of this thread, though. You have hardly moved an iota from where you were 6 months ago. Not giving up on you, I just don't see how you can help someone who won't own what they are doing and take steps to change the situation. You kick up a lot of effort but it just seems to be getting applied in unproductive ways.

Best of luck.

[Verbena]

I have to agree with Daniell85's most recent post.

I was a teacher for 29 years and saw WAY too many situations like yours where the second husband came first, and the children went to live elsewhere.  Your husband got what he wanted in forcing your son out of the house (with your approval) and even continued to get what he wanted when you weren't allowed to have your son's picture around.  

But what did you get?  You're still in an abusive relationship with a man who makes you miserable, a man who isn't showing any signs of changing his ways and has zero respect for you.  

Your energy would be far better spent making amends with your son for allowing all of this to happen instead of focusing on how awful your husband is and how he just keeps doing the same old stuff to you.  

Ten years from now your husband is likely to be exactly as he is now.  Ten years from now your son will be twenty-five years old and you will have missed having him with you during his last formative years.  

You can't undo what has happened up until this point, but you can start NOW making changes.