Introduction

[Applemom]

I'm pleased to have found this support group. My 32-year old daughter has just been diagnosed with BPD (for the 3rd time). Over the years she has seen multiple psychiatrists and psychotherapists, some have diagnosed her with BPD, then changed her Dx to Bipolar, then changed it back. Since about the age of 17, she has been hospitalized 4 times (most recently last Friday through yesterday). This time she has good insurance so she received thorough care, and her Dx is PTSD, Bipolar and BPD. She is on a number of medications, according to my daughter (Remeron, Depakote, Klonopin, and others). She will be going for intensive outpatient therapy 3x/week starting week after next (not sure why she has to go for another evaluation at a different hospital on the 21st to be accepted into this therapy). I wish she were starting today. It's so frustrating that there is a good chance she will backslide from her progress by the time she starts that OP therapy.

Her father (we divorced in 1992) committed suicide in 2012, in 2014, she almost lost her baby during labor & delivery, later he was in NICU (almost lost him then too), then my 87-year old parents (her grandparents) died within 5 months of each other (between 9/2015 and 1/2016) so even though she has been doing weekly psychotherapy visits and seeing a psychiatrist, she had a major episode last Friday, and was saying she didn't want to live. That's when I took her to the Behavioral Health Hospital. Her biggest trigger is the father of her 21-month old son. It's a long story. She lives with a woman who she calls her girlfriend (has been in this stormy relationship for approx. 5 yrs). After her father died in 2012, she fell for a male friend (21 years older), and convinced him to "give" her a baby, which she has always wanted. At first they said they were using artificial insemination but then later I found out they had a physical relationship, and that's how my grandson was conceived. The girlfriend didn't know about that reality until recently, but still she stays. Baby's father claims he is gay, because he has lived with a man for 18 years (separate bedrooms) and calls him "his boyfriend," but ":)ad" was married once years ago for a long time and had a baby with her (young woman now is in her 20's), then he later came out as gay, but obviously he is bi-sexual. So my daughter is obsessed with ":)ad" who claims he doesn't love her in the same way, except his behavior says something different. He spends nearly every free minute with her and the baby and our extended family when we all get together. Her girlfriend puts up with this, and so does his boyfriend, who is never included in any of this.

I got blasted out of the blue this morning by her because I said "no" to something she asked me to do that was extremely inconvenient for me because I'm working today. So she is mad at me. My feelings are hurt, but I know better than to let her know that, and I stood my ground with this boundary (sticking to the "no". 

I have started a journal, because my husband (her step-dad) doesn't really understand because he hasn't done the reading I have done and kind of takes a backseat with most of the struggles, although he was in the thick of it during her teens and 20's. So I can talk to him but he doesn't really seem to know how to help. I just need people who know about BPD to talk to when things are tough. I'm worn out and tired of feeling hurt when she turns on me (which isn't that often anymore, but still, when she does, it's hard).

Thanks for listening and for being here. I'm hopeful.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Applemom,

Welcome to the Parenting Board!

I'm sorry to learn that your d32 has been suffering for so long and with so much loss in her life.  This is difficult for her and even more difficult for you as you have suffered these losses as well and have the added stress of your d falling apart at the seams through it all. 

The situation with the baby and the convoluted relationship swapping dynamic is beyond odd, though I can understand why the baby's father would be around the baby constantly. Setting aside all the drama that comes with these relationship dynamics, how is your d doing with the baby?  Is she able to be a present and patient mom?  Who has the baby while she is inpatient?

Saying "no" has been a major trigger for my daughter in the past.  Her thinking is that because she so intensely feels the need for something that if I loved her I would give her what she asks for.  I found it quiet helpful for both of us to validate the feeling of needing what she asks for and then let her know either 1) I would consider her request and get back to her  2)ask her validating questions about how she could get her need met in another way 3) tell her no using a Support Empathy Truth statement.

I'm glad to hear that your husband is a shoulder to lean on even if he can't fix it for you.  That is what validation is all about, feeling heard and understood... .not trying to fix it.  Have you read much about validation?  It is a top skill that you can learn and practice with your daughter and others in your life.  We validate each other here because we hear and understand one another.  We can go beyond validation and offer information that helps us and our relationships with our children/adult children. 

lbjnltx