Financial support

[Lucy55]

I am trying to figure out best way to deal with 22 y/o daughter who refuses to be accountable for her actions especially re financial obligations and expects us her parents to bail her out. We feel trapped because it usually involves her rent and we do not want her to be homeless. We have tried paying the rent ourselves but recently she moved from her old apartment into a new one,with a roommate, we are stuck paying rent on the old apartment as she did not give any notice and the management requires 2 months notice. She does not seem to care that she stuck us with this , blaming the apartment management .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Agape76]

Hi,

That is so hard for you... .I don't have any quick fix answer but can only offer what I've learned over the years. If I fix things for people I love, they never have to learn how to fix it for themselves or have any incentive to change. Time and again I have had to bite my tongue, sit on my hands and take a step back to allow someone I love to see the consequences of a choice they've made. It hasn't been easy, and it hasn't always worked, but often it has and has been the right thing for me to do.

Do you know anything about 'detaching with love'? It helped me to learn about that too, there's lots of info online. And there's info on here about setting boundaries too which I've been reading and thinking about how it applies to my situation.

I hope you work something out soon, and are able to protect your own health and relationships whilst working through this - it's definitely not easy.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Lucy55,

We are glad to have you here with us on the Parenting Board and at the same time feel for you and your family.  This disorder has a way of permeating our lives with confusion and concern. 

Setting some limits in advance on how much financial support you and your husband are willing to give towards your d's expenses is important.  Have you set limits before that you both exceeded?  Do you feel that your financial contributions are enabling poor decision making rather than supporting wise decision making?

Here is a link to a convo where the members have discussed this issue, it contains some really good information that I think you could benefit from and relate to.:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291165.0

lbj