The comorbid factor of BPD

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I read a lot of threads on here. And people sometimes say oh that's more NPD or ASPD not BPD... .But the fact is cluster B has a lot of overlapping traits and symptoms. My ex without a doubt was a borderline! He shows 9 of 9 traits! I didn't realize all of this until all his lies and secret lifestyle came out! I never even knew he tried to kill himself in college until months after we broke up. He was extremely dependent on me and his family. Especially his mom. He would even have his step mom open all his mail and go through his bank statements and credit card statements and then get mad if she made derogatory comments.

But I also believe he definitely demonstrated NPD and ASPD traits as well. Not as strongly as his primary BPD traits but he definitely displayed some! His indifference about cheating, the way he would rage and throw water bottles in my direction and when he spit in my face after raging at me! I think BPD is a very complicated illness and because it has to do with the personality it can be very fluid and Changable based on circumstances, their fears at the moment and other outside factors. I also believe if something or someone doesn't get better . Then they get worse! Nothing stays the same. My ex is doing worse now not better but he was living a very protected life for 10 years. 6 years seminary and 4 years a priest. So all of his basic needs he didn't have to provide for . Now that he has to support himself. Well he lives off his family. So he really doesn't. But he's in huge debt, and who knows about how long he will stay at any one job.

A lot of people on these boards seem to have some extreme cases like what happened to me. I just was wondering what others thought about this. Because I think a lot of these people are true BPD that exhibit some ASPD. That doesn't mean they are always ASPD or they set out to victimize you or I . It's just part of their disorder that flares up when things get too much for them. It's sick . I'm not giving them a pass. It's mental disorder . It's not healthy, normal or acceptable . But it is who they are

[Itstopsnow]

I read a lot of threads on here. And people sometimes say oh that's more NPD or ASPD not BPD... .But the fact is cluster B has a lot of overlapping traits and symptoms. My ex without a doubt was a borderline! He shows 9 of 9 traits! I didn't realize all of this until all his lies and secret lifestyle came out! I never even knew he tried to kill himself in college until months after we broke up. He was extremely dependent on me and his family. Especially his mom. He would even have his step mom open all his mail and go through his bank statements and credit card statements and then get mad if she made derogatory comments.

But I also believe he definitely demonstrated NPD and ASPD traits as well. Not as strongly as his primary BPD traits but he definitely displayed some! His indifference about cheating, the way he would rage and throw water bottles in my direction and when he spit in my face after raging at me! I think BPD is a very complicated illness and because it has to do with the personality it can be very fluid and Changable based on circumstances, their fears at the moment and other outside factors. I also believe if something or someone doesn't get better . Then they get worse! Nothing stays the same. My ex is doing worse now not better but he was living a very protected life for 10 years. 6 years seminary and 4 years a priest. So all of his basic needs he didn't have to provide for . Now that he has to support himself. Well he lives off his family. So he really doesn't. But he's in huge debt, and who knows about how long he will stay at any one job.

A lot of people on these boards seem to have some extreme cases like what happened to me. I just was wondering what others thought about this. Because I think a lot of these people are true BPD that exhibit some ASPD. That doesn't mean they are always ASPD or they set out to victimize you or I . It's just part of their disorder that flares up when things get too much for them. It's sick . I'm not giving them a pass. It's mental disorder . It's not healthy, normal or acceptable . But it is who they are

[Fr4nz]

Just as a side-note... .you left HPD out of the possible comorbidities

If I remember correctly (yet I'm not fully sure), in females HPD occurs more frequently than NPD and ASPD as a comorbidity, while for men the opposite holds.

[Itstopsnow]

Yes, HPD is another one that kind of seems a little NPD. The attention seeking! I think of it more than self harm or suicidal threats! I think the attention seeking could be in forms of seeking out multiple partners to be the center of attention. I guess there has to come a point when each of us here has to realize in our own time and own way of course... .That these people are mentally ill and what they do and how they act are not normal ways of society. They have severe mental disorders that affects their personalty! Personalty is everything! It is who we are as a whole! It is something so ingrained in us. But for these people their psyche was damaged so severely either as a child, in the womb or they had Gene's in their family that predisposition them to it.  Because of this they  never developed a solid lasting personalty. When you can't fully relate to it , it makes it hard to fully understand! I go back and fourth with my trying to understand them. We never fully will because we don't have that disorder as they don't fully understand themselves either! And they don't fully understand the rest of society! They know something is different about them. They don't know how or why. They don't get us and they don't feel the way we do or the way "average" people feel. It's foreign to them as well. It's just a really sad mental health issue.

[FannyB]

Hi ISN

Mine has co-morbid anxiety disorder. Maybe it's the type of co-morbidity which ultimately decides how your pwBPD acts out?  Mine 'acted in' and was passive aggressive rather than confrontational. Maybe if she'd had ASPD or NPD traits in addition to her BPD I would have had a much rougher ride!


Fanny

[Itstopsnow]

Oh Fanny, lucky she wasn't! My male BPD was a combo of waif, and rager! He would seem so innocent at times, naive and lacking social skills! He was very smart but still lacked a level of intelligence! I see where they lack their emotional IQ. He didn't really know how to manage his own daily life. And couldn't see the big picture! Was crazy impulsive . Spending and gambling and wanting to go to Disney all the time! Or any vacation for that matter! But he had a really mean vindictive side! Raging up in my face! Calling me horrible names! And of course the spitting. I know if I stayed he would of likely punched me in the face soon! He brought out a paddle hairbrush in his pocket when his other ex confronted him! What the heck? She was only 5ft. And he was 6ft. She wasn't going to attack him . And even if she did, he needed a weapon?' But again I think strongly that he was primarily a Borderline! I was with him 18 months! His outbursts and meltdowns were almost daily after a certain point but only for like 20 or minutes!

He would level off and be fine as if nothing was wrong. That always baffled me! And I guess because growing up my own mother had similar issues that it felt familiar to me. So I understand my part in it. I guess I would say he's pretty severe? Can you tell me if you think he was severe based on my account of him. Just trying to gauge if I'm being bias or too hard on the situation! It makes me sad to think I allowed such craziness in my life for so long. But like I said we got along great daily, besides the one or two melt downs. We never had long drawn out fights that lasted days! I just never knew he was cheating and talking to so many people behind my back . How exhausting and time consuming that must be!

[FannyB]

I think I suggested on another thread that we need a system for classifying our exes as BPD is on a spectrum that ranges from the relatively mild to the absolutely terrifying in terms of the behaviours displayed.   

Mine was certainly harmless in terms of violence or shouting - but she still confused the hell out of me and caused me a lot of distress. Your ex seemed to act out in a more overt fashion - and if mine had behaved like that I certainly wouldn't have stuck around.  As to whether yours was 'severe' there is no real criteria to benchmark against unfortunately other than their impact on you - and he clearly hurt you very badly.

It appears beyond reasonable doubt that he was an unhealthy partner for you and that there was nothing you could have done to salvage the relationship - though like most of us you probably could have prolonged it if you had so wished.

It's great that you've recognised the childhood blueprint that allowed you to tolerate his behaviour for so long and hopefully your next relationship will be with someone who really deserves you. 


Fanny

[Itstopsnow]

Aww, thanks Fanny! I love reading your insightful posts and comments! I think when people are in love they see what they want to. I know I had an imagine of him that he wasn't living up to at all. But because of who I thought he was. I think I placated myself.  I'm just as bewildered by my behaviors (in staying and putting up with it) as much as I was with his!

[FannyB]

Yes ISN, when we are in love we tend to give our partner the benefit of the doubt - after all, no-one's perfect, are they? However there comes a tipping point where we realise we simply can't put our loved one's behaviour down to a 'temporary blip' - and have to face the facts that Mr/Miss Perfect ain't all that! 

I think the confounding thing with borderlines is how long they can appear fine before the cracks begin to show. Mine was fab for 6 months so had plenty of capital in the goodwill bank when things soured. Ironically, I was the more non-committal partner, but after I finally cracked and bought her a ring she turned tail and starting acting like I didn't exist. Hard to know if this kind of treatment is worse than being screamed it as it so takes you by surprise it literally discombobulates you!

However I am still grateful for my time with my ex - fantasy relationship or not. I have some fantastic memories and I've learned a lot and I think that's what life's about.


Fanny

[HarleypsychRN]

Itstopsnow,

Yes. you are correct! My ex-BPD displayed 7 out of the nine criteria for BPD, OCD traits and an unhealthy amount on narcissism. She used to make the most outlandish statement about herself (" I make a great entrance", after having me a man is ruined for life", etc, etc).

Unfortunately she is a transparent borderline, able to hold down a job. She refused to get back into therapy and out relationship imploded after 51 days because I refused to tolerate what she thought she was going to do to me. I confronted her and she left, totally lock stock and barrel the next day. No conversation, no negotiation, no hug, no handshake, she didn't even turn around to look at me as she pulled away.

My life is better with her out of it.

"The calendar changes, they don't"- Unknown

[GreenEyedMonster]

I read a lot of threads on here. And people sometimes say oh that's more NPD or ASPD not BPD... .But the fact is cluster B has a lot of overlapping traits and symptoms. My ex without a doubt was a borderline! He shows 9 of 9 traits!

Without a professional doing the diagnosis, we really can't tell.  Unfortunately people use faulty logic to describe the condition, which is not very helpful to other folks trying to recover.  The logic goes like this:

I think my ex is an undiagnosed borderline.

She lied a lot.

All borderlines lie.

My ex displayed some borderline traits, but also a heavy tendency toward NPD traits.  I really can't say how a psychologist would diagnose him.  I know for a fact that he has comorbid OCD and has been treated by his therapist for his paranoia, but any other precise diagnoses are unknown to me, because my ex was very self-conscious about sharing these things.  Making an educated guess and being able to see patterns in his behavior because of this guess has helped me detach from him -- and realize how potentially dangerous he is to me.  Beyond that, his exact diagnosis isn't particularly relevant because I don't plan on making him part of my life in the future.  Some of the moderators here have posted statistics on comorbidity that are very interesting, but again, the only use for this is really for educating ourselves and healing, because making a differential diagnosis in Cluster B is the territory of professionals.