S6 vs. D4 Interpretations Of Events, Kids Also Pushing Boundaries

[Turkish]

D turns 4 this weekend, but close enough, and I know her brain is changing a lot at this age.

The other night, she was tell g me a story about her SD putting something in the freezer, or on top of the fridge. I couldn't quite understand. She's sharp, but a little behind on her enunciation. She said, "I don't like SD, he's scary!" S6 piped up, "No he's not!" I told him to let her tell her story because his sister sees things differently. D told the same story. I asked her why. She said, "because he's mean to Mommy! I. Don't. Like. Him!" I said ok. She was in the trundle, her brother was on top. I hugged them and prayed.

I told my son that I protect them while they are with me, but that I can also protect them if they are nit with me. I said that if he felt unsafe, that he could tell me. He will never be in trouble, and that it doesn't mean Mommy's in trouble either. He said, "ok," and seemed fine with it. He's a people pleaser, and he also stuffs things. He does this with his mom, too, until he lashes out, but exhibits his anger physically, or in tantrums.

Last weekend, he visited the dentist for sealants. They sedated him. He's been a little sick, coughing. His mom took them out to eat afterwards. She said he got his favorite, a cheeseburger at Denny's. He felt sick. Almost threw up as they were getting him into the car. She had him throw up in the parking lot. She said she kind of yelled at him (it's amazing the stuff she volunteers to me.

Last weekend was hers, but she asked me to watch them Saturday afternoon until Sunday morning. She said that he was still a little sick. She had told me that the dentist said to feed him easy foods the rest of the previous day. I said that a cheeseburger was a bit heavy. She said that she knew and wouldn't do it again. I speak dispationately in tone. I don't shame her, but point out what needs to be said.

He still, wasn't eating. We went shopping. I had suggested popscicles. He brought a bundle of freeze pops to my basket. Despite the sugar, I said ok. When we got home, I gave them that and some watermelon. We were watching tv. He brought out the kitchen garbage can, which was almost full, with food waste so it smelled, "in case I throw up." I said that if he could, just make it to the toilet. He went and tried. Nothing. I said that it was ok, and though it was good to try if he felt sick, that sometimes it comes quickly, and not to worry.

I had also given him some 7up. D3/4 threw a screaming tantrum because she wanted her own can, despite that I had poured her some. I took a few sips myself.  Let her scream/cry in the kitchen for ten minutes. I had explained it to her, but she was 100% emotion, so I let her have her extinctiin burst. She was crying "Mommy!" And said, "I don't lve you, just Mommy!" I offered to call Mommy, but that she'd say the same thing (she would). After a while, she calme down, and was laying on me watching tv. Borderline child even S6 kind of snickered to me about her tantrum.

Later, after both kids didn't want to eat anything else, I got the bath ready. S6 went into their room and tried to go to sleep. He slept in his clothes. He was angry. I couldn't see the trigger. He kept talking about throwing up. I put a clean bag in a smaller waste basket and put it by the bed. His sister was concerned and tried to comfort him. He tried to hit her. He hit me. I said to leave him alone because he was upset.

In the morning he was fine. Their mom picked them up from church. She asked if I wanted to go to Jam a Juice, so I met them there. The barfing came up. She aplogized for getting angry at him. S6 said, "but it's my body, I can't help it!" At least she apologized. Yesterday night, the next time I had them, we talked about his barfing. I reiterated that if he could make it to the toilet it was better, that if he had to throw up, then he had to throw up. He repeated his assertion that it was his body doing that. I validated that.

Their mom also told me that at Denny's last Friday, D got mad at her and threw a placard whose point narrowly missed her eye. She put D on a time out (in a booth?), and then started validating her. I offer my opinion that the validation should come later. Hitting and throwing things needs the "one strike" rule. After no terrible 1s or 2s, and most of 3, D is really pushing things now. Maybe that's why she pulls the "I don't like (or) love you! I love Mommy!" More with me than her. I assert stronger boundaries.

[Ulysses]

I'm sorry your son had to experience being yelled at for vomiting.  I would be encouraged that his mom apologized.  Do you ever talk to your kids about how sometimes people have emotions inside that they don't know what to do with, so they take it out on another person?  I don't know if that's a good thing to talk about, but I've talked to my kids about that before.

4 was a challenging age with my children.  More than 2.  Some people call it the "fearsome fours."  Lots of defiance with my son, lots of crying and big emotions/drama with my daughter.  Although, at some point, my daughter just had too many meltdowns that were too big for her age.  I was able to talk with a therapist about ways to support her and not indulge the behavior.

Sometimes my kids have different opinions about how things happen at their dad's.  My D7 once said, unsolicited, that they (she and her brother) fight almost all the time at their dad's.  S12 quickly and loudly said, "no we don't."  Sounds similar to what your children said to you. 

[Turkish]

"Fearsome Fours," now there's a new one!

Son as terrible 1, 2, 3, 4... .and now he's calming somewhat. He reminds me of his mom, in that he loses control. D has previously been calm. She used to just drop, and sit or lay on the ground. It's only been in the past six months or so that she's started physically acting out.

Last year, my T recommend the book Back In Control. My ex bought it, and said that it was to harsh. I read that there was some controversy given a wrongful death suit at the author's wilderness camp years ago. That book was written in the '80s. I downloaded a follow-up this afternoon, Parents In Control. This isn't a site recommendaton, just my exploration as a member.

D3/4 wanted me to wipe her vagina the other day after going to the bathroom. I refused despite her protests. The ex-laws are infantilizing our children.

In that household, the kids' uncle, now 17, didn't  learn how to ride a bike until.last year, despite having two parents and 5 older siblings. He was the one who probably touched D last year.

Infanilzing children is all about the parents or caregivers.