Mind screwing after split

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Morning all,

So, my udBPDgf of 4 years, and Mother of my 3 year old son finally upped and left just over a week ago, although claimed domestic abuse had forced her out (Because we had an incident previously, social workers and women's groups put my ex in temp. accommodation).

Since then I have had our son, without her seeing him as she agreed that it was in his bets interested while she was in a refuge home.

Since then, I have tried to reason with, even suggest giving things another crack for the sake of the family but all I have had in returns is taunts of the bloke she was texting before she left. Last night she wound me up by suggesting that she had slept with him, so I told her I couldn't care anymore, and wanted to get her stuff out of my house and move on with my life.

This morning she emailed me saying she hadn't done anything with the other bloke, but threatened me with police action if I force her to move her stuff out (the house is solely in my name, and I am moving soon)... .

All the time she has been saying she is due to get a permanent home this week, and that she wants me to be amicable but due to the domestic abuse side of things, she cannot tell me where she will be living with my son.

I have sent an email suggesting the nights I will have my son, and said that I couldn't care where she is or who she is with, as long as my son is safe, but that as his Father I should be able to know where he is living. I also said that after the way she has behaved I couldn't care about her life, and merely want to get my son into a routine and move forward with my own life.

Since I said this, she has made it clear that she hasn't slept with anyone and cannot tell me when she will get her stuff from my house.

I now have this feeling that she is having second thoughts, having not had me or our son with her for over a week and by stalling things and not giving me an answer delays anything happening, especially as I have said I wish to move on.

Last time she left me, she moved her stuff out, said the usual hurtful things and how she was likely to move on and waited for me to get myself in a legal situation following a scrap with her Father (drunken silliness on my part). It was 8 weeks, before she initiated that she wanted to work things out and then stood by me until my legal case was over.

Although she's adamant things are over, and my family and friends have warned me the dangers of her, does it seem as if she is stalling things to give her the option of running back?

I'd be grateful of anyone's thoughts who has been in this situation. As much as I miss her, and in particular the passion we had, I know she is toxic and I really should do what my family and friends are telling me and run like hell, move on and just be there for my son and show him the way in life, but I still hold out for that one last hit of the BPD drug like passion.

HELP! Thanks

[CC85]

Morning all,

So, my udBPDgf of 4 years, and Mother of my 3 year old son finally upped and left just over a week ago, although claimed domestic abuse had forced her out (Because we had an incident previously, social workers and women's groups put my ex in temp. accommodation).

Since then I have had our son, without her seeing him as she agreed that it was in his bets interested while she was in a refuge home.

Since then, I have tried to reason with, even suggest giving things another crack for the sake of the family but all I have had in returns is taunts of the bloke she was texting before she left. Last night she wound me up by suggesting that she had slept with him, so I told her I couldn't care anymore, and wanted to get her stuff out of my house and move on with my life.

This morning she emailed me saying she hadn't done anything with the other bloke, but threatened me with police action if I force her to move her stuff out (the house is solely in my name, and I am moving soon)... .

All the time she has been saying she is due to get a permanent home this week, and that she wants me to be amicable but due to the domestic abuse side of things, she cannot tell me where she will be living with my son.

I have sent an email suggesting the nights I will have my son, and said that I couldn't care where she is or who she is with, as long as my son is safe, but that as his Father I should be able to know where he is living. I also said that after the way she has behaved I couldn't care about her life, and merely want to get my son into a routine and move forward with my own life.

Since I said this, she has made it clear that she hasn't slept with anyone and cannot tell me when she will get her stuff from my house.

I now have this feeling that she is having second thoughts, having not had me or our son with her for over a week and by stalling things and not giving me an answer delays anything happening, especially as I have said I wish to move on.

Last time she left me, she moved her stuff out, said the usual hurtful things and how she was likely to move on and waited for me to get myself in a legal situation following a scrap with her Father (drunken silliness on my part). It was 8 weeks, before she initiated that she wanted to work things out and then stood by me until my legal case was over.

Although she's adamant things are over, and my family and friends have warned me the dangers of her, does it seem as if she is stalling things to give her the option of running back?

I'd be grateful of anyone's thoughts who has been in this situation. As much as I miss her, and in particular the passion we had, I know she is toxic and I really should do what my family and friends are telling me and run like hell, move on and just be there for my son and show him the way in life, but I still hold out for that one last hit of the BPD drug like passion.

HELP! Thanks

[Thunderstruck]

Hi CC85. 

She has made some very serious accusations against you.  These are very hard to come back from, especially in family court.

What kind of help are you looking for?

[CC85]

Hi Thunderstruck (loving the ACDC reference there!)... .which funnily enough is appropriate as I seem to be on a never ending Highway to Hell!

I don't think there is anything that can help tbh, as since posting that message my ex udBPDgf turned up at my house (I'm at work), with the police demanding her stuff. Luckily they called my Mum who has agreed to go there and supervise her getting her belongings.

She is still claiming the poor old victim card, despite begging me back and threatening to commit suicide last week if I didn't let her back. I have printed all emails and asked that my Mother hands them to the police, as I am sure that at present I am being portrayed as the aggressor and this big bad villain, while she is the poor helpless victim who had a affair, gave me 4 years of emotional abuse and walked out.

Gradually my hurt and sorrow of her leaving is turning to anger and hatred... .I guess this helps with moving on?

[Thunderstruck]

Hi Thunderstruck (loving the ACDC reference there!)... .which funnily enough is appropriate as I seem to be on a never ending Highway to Hell!

You're the first that has pointed out the AC/DC!  Ha, aren't we all?

Honestly, I don't think the cops will care either way. They're just going to be there to supervise. They'll make sure she doesn't damage anything and that there will be no fights (yelling, etc) over whose stuff is what. They aren't there to pass judgement.

Are you hoping to stay together with her? I believe there is a board dedicated to those trying to save a relationship that is near collapse. The folks there might be helpful.

You're at a critical point right now and there are some actions/inactions that could really damage your chances with custody of your son. You have the advantage because you have had physical possession of him, but the disadvantage that BPDgf has been painting you as an abuser.

What kind of custody arrangement are you thinking? Have you sought legal help?

[ForeverDad]

I'll toss in a few reminders... .

Due to the high conflict, document as best you can anything in your favor.  If you end up in court (either for TROs or custody or both) you will need them.  The "he-said, she-said" back and forth won't mean much to the judge, it may be viewed as hearsay and largely ignored.  If so, then what's left is a court's typical unwritten default preference of women and mothers.  That is why you need documentation.

And since she has a typical push/pull relationship, cycling between "I want you" and "I hate you" (there's a paperback I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!) you are at risk of tossing out your documentation every time she comes back.  Don't toss it out or delete it!

So ponder this scenario... .You two end up in court and the judge looks at her and asks, "So you want protection from him but he's caring for the child?"  While on the one hand courts often to split adult behaviors apart from parenting behaviors, almost as though a person has two sides, this should weaken any complaints she may have about you.  So... .my firm advice is that you try to keep as much parenting time and responsibility as possible.

Don't feel, "Well, I should be 'fair' and encourage her to have more time with our child."  Warning, Will Robinson, she won't reciprocate your fine intentions!  While you don't want to appear to be blocking or obstructing her, you and the peer support here all know that your child will do best with a stable and reasonably normal parent, namely YOU!  So don't 'gift' away whatever advantage you have now, okay?  What you gift away now may be very, very hard to get back.  Fathers in family court generally have an uphill struggle.  Don't make it hard on yourself with misguided good intentions.

The longer you have authority and majority parenting time with your child, the better it will be for you in the years to come.  That includes seeking to be the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  Get that established sooner than later.  Why?  All too soon he'll be attending preschool or school and you need to be the responsible parent the school turns to.  If she becomes RP and decides to move across country and family court is okay with that, then off he goes and you'd have to tag along after her.  Or else be the remote parent seeing your child a few times a year, probably at your expense.

About wanting her back... .you know that she will just cycle and recycle you over and over, right?  The fact is that unless she gets into intensive therapy and diligently applies it in her life and thinking, she won't improve.  You can't fix her, only she can fix herself and she has to want to do it.  After all, you've been with her for years, has she improved?  An observation is that BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships, you're too close for her to listen and get past her emotional baggage of the relationship.  Barring major changes... .The past is a good predictor of the future.

Overall, accept you can't fix her.  Once you realize the danger of an erratic parent in your life, you'll ponder how best to put yourself and your child at the top of your priority list.  Sad but that's the reality.

[CC85]

Thanks everyone... .As things stand I have had our 3 yo son since Sat 16th April (The day she left, calling the police) and I have agreed to have him until Tuesday 3rd May (after our bank holiday). He is understandably confused, and the toughest thing is that he keeps asking to "go home", as I have been staying at my Parent's house due to my ex moving her stuff out yesterday (supervised by my Mother). My son is also asking for his brother (6 yr old, who has a different father, but we have always brought up as proper brothers).

I think to be fair to him, and also to enable me to focus on work and eventually be able to rebuild me life, I need to let him stay with my ex next week and have drawn up a timetable for me to have him overnight 3 times each week. Obviously if I have any concerns over his welfare, I would take action and maybe one day look for sole custody.

Since my previous posts, my ex came to the house last night and moved her stuff out, but is still refusing to tell me where she is living (although I have a good idea), because she claimed she was a victim of domestic abuse, she is being protected by a women's refuge type scheme. Having checked with the local police, who she called to escort her to get her stuff (crazy I know!), they confirmed she does have a right to keep her location hidden from me, even though we have a son together. Apparently all I am allowed to know is what nursery and soon, school my son will attend.

It's such a hard situation, because I grew up as a normal family with my parents still together to this day, and have always had that ideology myself and wanted to instill that into my son. I have tried sending emails to my ex even today asking her if she's realised what she's doing, losing her family etc (hell, we had a 2 week family break booked for the summer!). But all I get back is replies saying she only wants to hear about our son. She did this before, and it lasted 8 weeks and she came running back as she heard rumours of me seeing a new girl. She hadn't moved on at all then, but this time she seems further down the line in terms of getting her own house through the council and taunting me about moving on with the guy she was texting and meeting.

[ForeverDad]

I think to be fair to him, and also to enable me to focus on work and eventually be able to rebuild me life, I need to let him stay with my ex next week and have drawn up a timetable for me to have him overnight 3 times each week.

Our sense of fairness is a great quality under normal circumstances, one to be admired.  Unfortunately, our disordered ex-spouses have little or no reciprocity and will use or misuse our sense of fairness against us.  I understand your wanting to do the right thing for your son.  But think long term.  The more you gift away some of your parenting the harder it will be to get it back later.  It has often been remarked that fathers have an uphill struggle in court.  Even some mothers here have had an uphill struggle because their disordered spouses were so problematic.

Can you convince her to let you be Residential Parent?  Your life in years to come would be more stable with your son attending school in your school district, with less risk of her up and moving away with your child.

If you really are thinking of 3 nights a week, why not stop being timid and take that extra half step and agree to Equal Time?  What is that like?  My Custody Evaluator didn't recommend a 7/7 schedule for young children.  Instead he said to use a 2/2/3 (or 2/2/5/5) schedule.  What is it like?  It's where one parent has Mon+Tue overnights, the other parent has Wed+Thu overnights and then they alternate the 3-night weekends.  (I've had that schedule since my son was 6 years old.  I chose Wed+Thu so I could ensure the week's school assignments were handled.)

Don't be timid with just 43% time, go for 50% at a minimum, you'll never regret seeking that extra time.  It sets the stage for family court later if/when you step forward because your ex messes up or becomes less involved in parenting in the years to come.

Remember, family court is not about fairness.  Your stbEx is not about fairness.  You would be at a distinct disadvantage if you were the only one to be ruled by fairness.  Yes, you can be fair where it doesn't put your parenting and decision making at risk, but do so cautiously.  Please.

Obviously if I have any concerns over his welfare, I would take action and maybe one day look for sole custody.

Gaining sole custody is very hard to accomplish and relatively few are able to do it.  I did but it took 6 years in and out of court.  I ought to call them the "lost years" since my life was on hold for so many years.  And as I wrote above, don't fool yourself that all you have to do is go back to court and get things fixed.  Courts are reluctant to make major changes, not without real reason to do so.  The best strategy is to secure as much parenting as possible from the very start.  That's not being mean, it's being smart and proactive for your child's welfare.