How do you admit fault without reinforcing that you are all to blame?

[hurthusband]

I do not know what to do.  My wife for weeks goes half the week on a warpath... half cold war and 1 day of decency... .

I was kicked out last week.  I was invited Saturday to a family gathering with her and drinks afterwards only to be kicked out at 2 am that night.  Literally did nothing.  I had exploded on her last monday finally after putting up with it for so long and her basically saying the same things, but now its all my fault we are divorcing.  I keep taking responsibility for my explosion being improper, but she completely ignores what built up to it which was her yelling and screaming for 2 days and calling me 40+ times at work with a client. 

Ill take responsibility for everything that day, but I do not know what to do if she does not realize she has a part in any of this.  If I bring up her part, its my scapegoating or shifting blame.  If i do not, she thinks she is perfect and a victim

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Yep. That's BPD. All-or-nothing - so it's either all YOUR fault or all HER fault.

That won't change.

Apologise for your own mistakes. What she thinks after that - that's her problem. (And yes I know just how hard it is when she can now blame everything on you - let her live in whatever world she wants).

[waverider]

Acknowledging you overreacted to a triggering situation, and only say it once. Dont expand or that will allow projection.

She wont graciously accept it, but you will feel better for saying it.

[globalnomad]

Hey hurthusband, I can very much relate to this. My wife will often needle me and provoke me for days on end, and eventually when I just can't take it anymore I snap and end up saying something hurtful to her. Then it become all about my bad behavior, and everything is entirely my fault.

How to deal with this? I like the waverider approach. I will apologize once for losing my cool -- and take responsibility for my part (and my part only) in the conflict. I will not defend, explain or elaborate further.

Like many things involving BPD, this is easy to say but very hard to do in practice.

[hurthusband]

Hard part is I have been accused of being abusive and kicked out of the house.  Accused of ruining her life... she wont leave bed... I cant talk to kids...


I am beat... i do not know what to do.  Been sleeping my car for a week so nobody finds out because family event this weekend, but I am just about to say I give up

[waverider]

  Been sleeping my car for a week so nobody finds out because family event this weekend,

Hiding reality disempowers you, and empowers your wife. Your welfare is more important than a family event.

[dacoming]

I do not know what to do.  My wife for weeks goes half the week on a warpath... half cold war and 1 day of decency... .

I was kicked out last week.  I was invited Saturday to a family gathering with her and drinks afterwards only to be kicked out at 2 am that night.  Literally did nothing.  I had exploded on her last monday finally after putting up with it for so long and her basically saying the same things, but now its all my fault we are divorcing.  I keep taking responsibility for my explosion being improper, but she completely ignores what built up to it which was her yelling and screaming for 2 days and calling me 40+ times at work with a client. 

Ill take responsibility for everything that day, but I do not know what to do if she does not realize she has a part in any of this.  If I bring up her part, its my scapegoating or shifting blame.  If i do not, she thinks she is perfect and a victim

I know this all too well.  My wife rages at me, insults me in front of the kids, follows me though the house and antagonizes me.  One night she did all of this and on top of that, came and got in my wife, pushing my face with her finger trying to provoke me to hit her.  I left the house to escape the situation but before that, I threatened to call the police when she kept getting in my face.  She turned it on me to the kids, saying I'm trying to provoke her and have her thrown in jail and left the house, which was disrespecting the marriage.  I apologized multiple times for the incident and told her that I never intended to call the police.  I just wanted her to leave me alone.  She wanted me to admit I tried to provoke her and get her put in jail which I would not do.  She exploded, telling me how she hates me, and created multiple other arguments.  When I bring up what she did (and this is almost every argument), she dismisses it and says I'm trying to shift blame and not own up to my wrongs.  She says when she brings something up to me that I did, I have no right to say anything about what she did, even if it's related.  When I accept part of the blame that I'm responsible for, she says I'm trying to minimize my fault to make it look petty because I can't except not being perfect.

I really don't know how to handle this successfully.  I've accepted blame many times when I did nothing wrong.  The result, it didn't really help matters and I ended up feeling bad.  I would advise that you only except blame for what you actually did and leave it at that.  

[hurthusband]

i got invited back home to watch kids while wife went out with friends where a girl accused her of sleeping with her husband... whole mess...

she was in bed all day Saturday... I could not get her out of bed to go to a nice dinner nor anything.  I took care of kids and handled everything.  Next day she refused to go to my neice's baptism.  When I got home it was why i didnt bring flowers or make up for why I was kicked out.  Shoved a framed picture in my face which i batted away and she said it was assault.  Berated me for 4 hours... I begged and pleaded and apologized... Finally i was kicked out.  I was invited back to shower before work today when our neighbor had a issue so i let her know.  She then got mad i didnt say goodbye, but she was mad because she misheard me about neighbor...

Now she demanding i leave work and come home right now...   I left work early on Saturday to get home already... im way behind... I do not know what to do... I feel insane...

Ill give up career to save family, but I do not know if that is real or if its just reinforcing her domination of me

[Notwendy]

Berated me for 4 hours... I begged and pleaded and apologized.

Why would you plead and apologize while she continues to berate you?

[Grey Kitty]

Ill give up career to save family, but I do not know if that is real or if its just reinforcing her domination of me

Think about it. What do you think will happen to your family if you give up or lose your job?

Do you think your wife will treat you better or even differently?

[waverider]

Ill give up career to save family, but I do not know if that is real or if its just reinforcing her domination of me

That would just be tipping your career in the black hole, and leave you with even less to be respected for.

[Notwendy]

Giving up your career could be financial and emotional suicide. Besides finances, a career is a source of self esteem. Contact with co-workers is another outlet for communicating with others. It's also a way to be yourself ,as an individual.

Since your wife's unhappiness stems from her, giving up your career won't put an end to that because it isn't due to any action on your part.

Do you have access to any support such as counseling? A co-dependency 12 step group? These options could help you retain your sense of self and establish some boundaries in your relationship.