Hello everyone! I just want to say that I've been lurking on here for about a month reading people's stories and it has helped me out so much that it has inspired and given me the courage to write my own story on here as well. I'm in need of some feedback also so any would be helpful... .
My story is a bit long so please forgive me!It has been 5 months since I broke up with my BPD ex (I was unaware he had BPD until much later in our relationship). We were on and off for three years and he's also my first relationship/first love (which makes it so much harder to forget about him). Like most BPD relationships everything was great in the beginning; we had the same hobbies and vibed so well. It felt like opposites really do attract (I was the type to follow the rules while he would be the one to break them). He would tell me his issues like not really having a good relationship with his family, sometimes go through depression (he's told me he was diagnosed
major depressive disorder), and felt like he was truly alone. I guess my white knight syndrome kicked in (I always feel the need to help everyone I care for from family, friends, relationships, etc) and made a promise to him that I would always be there for him and help him in any way possible. Wholeheartedly but foolish as well, I helped him financially (helping him with
his bills and debts) and emotionally being a shoulder to cry on whenever he needed to vent. I would give while he would take-take-take, and give nothing back in return. I didn't think nothing of it since I would always say to him I don't want anything back in return and seeing him happy was my gift from him. He would always feel bad taking to the point of crying out of guilt because he would always tell me,
"I have nothing to give you",
"you deserve so much better than me", but I didn't want to hear all that. All I know is that I loved him for who he was as person; his faults, insecurities, and scars (my rose-colored glasses were definitely on). The main major
for me was within 6 months of dating, he propositioned of having an open-relationship. Knowing what it entailed and the boundaries set in place by him (a don't ask/don't tell situation), I truly wanted monogamy (I'm a hopeless romantic ) but I was afraid to lose him because I feel like I've invested so much in the relationship already as it is. He felt like monogamy wasn't for him since his parents constantly cheated on each other (he felt like it was hereditary and normal ) and we were in a long distance relationship at the time. So I just rolled with it but that's when slowly but surely my self-confidence and worth started to get low.
Even though I thought I proved to him that I was there for him and seemed irreplaceable, he broke up with me about four times in our relationship. From me disagreeing moving 200 miles away from home to live with him (I was finishing college, had a good job, and didn't feel financially secure living on my own) within two months of dating to him saying he feels suffocated from me and he sees
"other options" and wants to go try them out. One of our breakups were so bad that I became depressed and even once thought of taking my own life because I was so confused of how he could coldly leave me without warning. I treated him so good and went above and beyond to make him happy (he would then tell me nothing will ever make him happy); I felt worthless and didn't have the will to live. I went to therapy which helped me. What hurt the most was that two days before our breakup, we were working things out trying to repair our relationship and we seemed to be on the right track. Two days later, I go on Instagram and see pics of him laid up with another guy ! It felt like a punch in the face and it made it seem like everything was a lie. When I confronted him about it, he non-nonchalantly was telling me he's just a friend and that this guy understands him more than me. After yelling and hanging up the phone on him, he texts me saying,
"I'll always love you and I'll always be here for you". I didn't respond and deleted his number. Some months later, he would still text me occasionally checking up on me wanting to be friends and me being hurt and still in love with him, I would respond. Him and that new guy were on and off for only a month (they broke up about 3 times and the guy gave my ex an STI... .karma much?). He felt the need to prove to me he was over me so he dated 3 more guys after that within a short amount of time in between each other and would tell me about them and his relationship troubles with them. I tried being his "friend" and would try to give him advice but it was killing me deep inside knowing I still had feelings for him; you can't be "just friends" with someone you're still in love with. I would even start dating and messed up a relationship with a good guy because I was still stuck on my ex. I just seemed hopeless... . :'(
One day he called me with an issue he felt I was the only person could help him with and I felt like this was my chance to get back together with him since we were both single again. I helped him out financially once again by taking out a loan. With that, it helped him with his car debt and now that he moved much closer to me, it was our chance to get an apartment together but we were having trouble looking for one at the time. Then one day, I received a call from his mother telling me to leave work right away since my ex has been talking about committing suicide; he had blisters on his wrists from burning himself with cigarettes and has been drinking alcohol non-stop. The reason being was because he was staying with his best friend at the time and his best friend kicked him out which resulted my ex being homeless and staying at a shelter for a couple days. I left my job frantically and took an express train right away to see him. On the train I would try to talk to him on the phone to calm him down and try to talk him out of suicide. I remember those calls at 3am where he used to call me in talks of committing suicide and I would always talk him out of it but this one troubled me the most. Once again he was on the phone crying and drunk saying,
"you know I love you with all my heart but you also know that I mess with other guys from time to time". Why would you say this on my way to see you? At times, he would change his mind and want to be faithful and monogamous to me and other times he wants to mess around with other guys while being with me. Any normal person would've said forget it and just get off the train take the next one home but me feeling codependent and the need to save him, I stayed on the train to see him. When I got there, the cops were putting handcuffs on him to take him to the hospital. He was yelling and being rude to the cops and social workers while being evaluated. He was transferred to the psych ward and every single day I would visit him even twice a day to bring him food and magazines. He resented his mother for calling the cops and being sent to the psych ward. He would say he's gonna lie to the doctors saying he's ok just to get out sooner and try to commit suicide where nobody would know or see.
That was the day I discovered and he was diagnosed with BPD. He was then released from the hospital after staying there for four days and luckily I found an apartment for him to stay at so he wouldn't be homeless anymore.
We had a rocky relationship after his hospital stay. Everything seemed good especially since he was taking medicine for his depression and BPD but he stopped taking them thinking he was ok and didn't need them anymore and started abusing drugs, would physically flirt with other guys in front of me (even kissed one thinking I wouldn't see), and started drinking much more. I felt like he was a different person; much more than what I'm used to. I ultimately had to breakup with him for my own good. He literally was a toxic person; an emotional vampire. I didn't realize I was being emotionally and mentally abused by him until countless people had to shake me and tell me I was. None of my friends or family liked him to begin with (they saw his cruelty and user tendencies before I did), I looked sad all the time even when I kept telling everyone I was ok and seemed fine, and my health was affected negatively from constant stress. Plus we had different lifestyle and relationship views stemming from the monogamy vs. open relationship saga. The wake up call
for me to end things was while discovering he had one his "side dude's" Netflix accounts on the TV and cable I paid for, he told me that I should accept the fact that I'll never leave him and I possibly can't change him for the better; and he was right about that. I tried to end things on a good note with him, even tried to give him a hug when saying goodbye but he didn't want to hug or talk to me at all. He then said I was a very messy person for breaking up with him and hopes that I have a good life and I'll get my karma soon. I was painted black once again... .
So here I am five months later of NC with him and now knowing that he has BPD, it all makes sense regarding his behavior. Its weird because during our breakups we would start talking again within two weeks to a month, but we haven't reached out to each other at all. In a weird way, it hurts my ego a bit that he hasn't really reached out because to me it would mean that he still cares; at least reach out to apologize for everything (but I'll probably never receive an apology nor should an ex not reaching out to you hurt your ego but should be a blessing instead). After I broke things off with him, it felt bittersweet. I felt hopeful for the future but scared and guilty as well. I felt like if only I could accept the open relationship fully and deal with the drug use maybe things would've been different, but obviously that's foolish and I would ultimately be going against what I believed in and I wouldn't be happy overall. I would always think,
"He's all alone now, who will he talk to? Who will help him since I deserted him?". Overall he took my kindness for weakness. Because of the situation, I now have anxiety, especially if I see his name, a picture of him (
he looks so different now physically; is that BPD behavior?), or see someone that reminds me of him. I get this tightness in my chest that I would get out of fear ("fight or flight" response?). I realized I have codependent and caretaker tendencies which I'm currently working on (I can't help/save everyone!) and most importantly I'm putting myself first for the first time ever and it honestly feels good. I'm finally taking trips out of the state/country, write/sing songs as an outlet, and surrounding myself with positive people that love and care for me. I sometimes do think about him and sometimes wish things were different thinking he would change for the better and we would get back together forever just how I originally viewed our future to be or at least be cool with each other, but ultimately I know and accepted the fact he'll never change and it isn't worth the heartache. I blocked him from all social media for my own good (I noticed he watched my Snapchat story a while back but I blocked him) and I think he intentionally wanted to message me on Kik since he popped up in my Kik feed (which means he still has my number; I deleted and blocked his). I still feel resentment towards him and the whole situation; it makes me not want to date anytime soon just because I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I think my main question for everything is,
"was everything that he said to me a lie?" From the "I love you's", "you're the best thing that has ever happened to me", I guess I'm looking for validation that I meant something and was good to him. I don't want to feel like he used me but I have to stop being in denial and accept that he did and also accept that I ultimately did enable him a lot. When we broke up before, he promised me to pay me back all the money he owed me no matter what because he didn't want to be like those other people who took from me and never paid back but he has yet reached out to fulfill his promise (I'm taking my loss on that). I'm now starting over literally financially because I had to pay off the loan I took out for him and pick up the pieces of my shattered heart and self-esteem. But I'm striving to get better and that is the best revenge to me!
Thanks for reading (and sorry for the long story again!)
