I cannot just walk away

[Peace95]

My 21 year old son has pushed me out of his life... .I have tried to reason with him, reach him, just love him (we were very very close his whole upbringing) and he has said, "Please do not contact me." He is textbook BPD in every way that I have read about on yours and other sites and has been clinically diagnosed as having traits of BPD, NPD and psychopathy. It's like I'm standing on shore just watching him drown! He has walked away from the 4 people in his life to whom he has been closest all his life - me, his sister, and his grandparents. He cannot articulate what any of us have done to deserve this other than I won't give him money anymore (I had to sell my house because of him). I feel like he's died... .hardest thing I could ever imagine. Is there ANYTHING I can do to try to reach him. He was seeing a good psychologist but I think that he got too close and was figuring him out... .therefore my son stopped going. He wants to be justified in his anger toward us for some reason (splitting if I understand that correctly). I so miss him and would like nothing more than for him to get help and deal with this because I know it will destroy him if he doesn't.

thanks,
a very sad mom

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry Peace95, it is deep grief to watch our kids struggle.

I read something about implicit memory (amygdala) and explicit memory recently that helped me understand why people with BPD tend to dwell on intensely emotional memories that don't seem to correspond to facts. In a person with BPD, the emotional memory dominates and the more logical memory is constructed around the feeling memory (feelings = facts).

This would mean that your son might feel rejection from not receiving money and it lumps together with every feeling of rejection he's ever had, to him the details or justification for those details don't really matter, only the feelings.

How does validation work with him?

I wonder if accepting and acknowledging the pain he feels might reach him? This can be hard to do when our own anxiety levels are high, I know.

It might mean saying, "I can see you feel angry toward me right now, and you want to take a break and be left alone. When you want someone to listen, I will be here for you."

When we don't acknowledge the feeling (his anger), it can continue to add gas to the emotional arousal and dysregulation. It seems counterintuitive, doesn't it?

[lbjnltx]

Hi Peace95,

Welcome to the Parenting board, we are glad to have you here with us though sorry for what brings you here. 

Blame shifting is sort of like a self preservation move... .there must be someone responsible for how hurt and angry your son is feeling... .to look at himself honestly and see that he is the cause of his own misery would be devastating to him without the skills and support he needs to cope with that.   Having a supportive family that validates him and doesn't judge him can be the determining factor between working on self and continuing to cut people out of his life that he gets close to.  It is quite sad. 

Livednlearned mentioned validation too.  It is one of the most affective communication skills for people who are highly sensitive and have large emotions, it is also quite simple to learn (as skills go).  Here is a link to get you started:

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/03.htm

We are here to help you as learn new things and work on improving your relationship with your son. 

lbj

[ArleighBurke]

I'd also recommend validation techniques.

It would be hard losing your son. Just remember - he is hurting. Not because you did anything wrong, but because he has BPD. He is hurting so much that his only solution is to walk away from you. As non-BPDs we don't really understand the depth of the pain they feel. And it's probably because of something you and I would consider "little". But to him it's everything. He can't manage his emotions - they are big and painful and this is his only way to cope.

Stay strong. Pretend he's still 5yrs old and you've just told him he can't have icecream all week. He HATES you! Now. But under that is still love. Give empathy, give kind words, expect that he will lash out at you but don't take it to heart.

Good luck.

[livednlearned]

I wanted to add that it is healthy to tell him you cannot give him more money.

The most important lesson I learned (a close tie with validation skills) is to take care of myself so that I can be there for my loved ones.

Nothing tests this golden rule more than a child with mental illness, and there is no golden rule more important. It can be scary for a child to feel in charge of the relationship, especially a child who feels emotionally unstable.

When validation is introduced to wise boundaries, we can help our loved ones get grounded.

[Kate4queen]

My son walked away for very similar reasons when he was just about to turn 21. What that decision meant was that we as parents got to step back and think about things as well. We saw a therapist and we set up boundaries that protected us from further damage to ourselves and taught us a lot about not enabling our son and not putting ourselves at financial risk to give him money. Because you know, whatever we gave him it was never enough to fill that black hole within him.

I haven't seen my son face to face for 4 years, but I know where he is, (in an apartment we rent for his younger brother) I know he's worked out he can't do drugs and painkillers when he doesn't have us enabling him, so guess what? He has 2 jobs, by all accounts he's doing really well after the first year of raging and hating on us for not 'saving him.'

So if I were you, I'd use this time not only to grieve but to take a step back, work out what you want the rest of your life to look like. Seek therapy for yourself, learn about validation and about boundaries put in place to protect you. I thought I would die when my son walked out, but I didn't and neither did he.

Last week he emailed me for the first time in 2 years for some health information and he was polite and calm. I appreciated that. Maybe at some point we'll be able to actually meet up, but at the moment all of us are learning how to survive without fighting and emotion and anger coloring everything in our lives. Things had to change and even though it was incredibly hard to stand up for myself, I don't regret a thing.

[Peace95]

Thank you so much for all the advice. Since he refuses to even receive electronic communication for me there really isn't much more I can do in terms of reaching out. Validation is what I was trying to do - always kind, loving, repeating that I am here ready to address things any time he wanted in whatever situation he felt most safe. I never have lashed out - he even got mad at me one time for not yelling and getting angry! It's very hard to believe this is the same child with whom I was so close for 19 years. Like kate4queen (thank you for your reply) I am doing the best to look after me and my daughter (who he has cut out as well because she doesn't hate me) and move forward with my own life; unlike her, however, I don't have his father on side but rather have him supporting his abandonment of me. His father has definite traits that I am now understanding and couple with his distain for me my son is feeling justified in his actions. It's just so sad for both of them.

This site is amazing and it has made me realize so much about the disorder, how to respond (or not) and that I am not alone with this out there!

thank you everyone for your time and kindness!

[need a break]

I'm so sorry Peace95, it is deep grief to watch our kids struggle.

I read something about implicit memory (amygdala) and explicit memory recently that helped me understand why people with BPD tend to dwell on intensely emotional memories that don't seem to correspond to facts. In a person with BPD, the emotional memory dominates and the more logical memory is constructed around the feeling memory (feelings = facts).

This would mean that your son might feel rejection from not receiving money and it lumps together with every feeling of rejection he's ever had, to him the details or justification for those details don't really matter, only the feelings.

How does validation work with him?

I wonder if accepting and acknowledging the pain he feels might reach him? This can be hard to do when our own anxiety levels are high, I know.

It might mean saying, "I can see you feel angry toward me right now, and you want to take a break and be left alone. When you want someone to listen, I will be here for you."

When we don't acknowledge the feeling (his anger), it can continue to add gas to the emotional arousal and dysregulation. It seems counterintuitive, doesn't it?

Validation seems to work the best for my D and I. I fought this for years. I thought if i was validating I would be caving in. Validation + Boundaries= a pretty good relationship. Its a lot of work but I have tried to be estranged from her and its way to painful.