Hard time commuting to a decision

[Thread]

This is about what the topic states;

Please share stories with how you were able to ultimately leave. Or how long it took. Or why it was hard to leave and you may have just kept getting sucked back it.

My situation is complex because we own a very thriving new business that we created together and is a very beautiful thing. But what it's taken to get to this point, the things that happen outside of what the public sees is not pretty. It's not as big as a deal as some extremes I read on this site but it is often verbally and mentally abusive.

It's been 5 years of marriage, 1 year of separation, 3 years of diagnosed BPD, 3 years of awareness of BPD, and 2 years of operating a business - 5 years of knowing somethings not right.

I filed online for divorce 3 days ago, slightly by accident the computer read process, print out and file. But I'm pretty sure when I pushed all the buttons it is being processed right now. Maybe the filing happens after its approved.

What led me to make this action was after 3 days of the dysregularion. 3 weeks of him triggering weekly. As he is apologizing and promising change, it just made my skin boil. Every time this happens, the cycle, I promise each time I will file for divorce, each time I am being screamed at for something "I made him react to" I tell myself I'm going to leave him, one more time and I am done. So the repeated "I will change statement" made me keep pushing the buttons to process the divorce. Because I know the promise of change is a lie.

This last episode left me breaking out in acne, back being thrown out, and losing weight. This last episode I just crashed. I slept a good amount of all day for the past 5 days. My body was like it had enough! I had to take care of my orders alone. Toward the end he amply helped. If I go through with the divorce I'm very much gonna struggle with honoring my verbal commitments I've gotten down payments for already (through September) and he works full time to pay our bills. The business is making profit in its first year and still, but not enough to pay for my and his bills. Without him I don't know if I have enough time to work part time and fulfill my commitments. I work anywhere from 10-17 hours a day 6 days a week.

And the last reason I can't commit to a decision is our business is created off my talents and skills, but our dream together was to own a type of business together. My skills are just more profitable and doable to start off with. Once we get to the next phase we were going to start highlighting his. So it's like yes, I could keep going alone, but the dream, the plan, and why I love him was together. Doing this without him makes what we've built and worked so hard for (both of us) really sad.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Hanging.

I've been reading your posts and I see your dilemma and understand how much is riding upon your relationship. As I read this post the thing that struck me most was how much hope you have invested in this relationship. I'm not convinced that you see a future for the relationship but the hope is so powerful that your head isn't getting a look in.

In my experience. hope takes a long time to die. I have been recycling with my BPDxbf since October 2014 (two months after we got together), though it wasn't until March 2015 that our periods together had reduced to a mere 2 - 3 weeks before the next breakup. I am struggling with is 'hope'. Despite all evidence to the contrary, because I so want this to be my happily-ever-after, I keep hoping. My brain just isn't strong enough to overcome the hope. This is why I've needed to re-experience the trauma time and time again, to enable me to see for sure that things are never going to get better indeed, they are getting worse. My BPDxbf is becoming more creative in his verbal abuse and things between us have got to the point where there is nothing positive except the memories of happier times. Still, I am hoping, but in my case, hope is actually delusion... .

Love Lifewriter

[Thread]

Committing not commuting   whoops!

Life writer! You couldn't have explained that more clearly. You are right. I actually just took out the lists I make when he is dysregulating or being verbally abusive. I have only been doing it for a year and also I don't write down every little instant or every little side comment. Seeing it and reading it is helping me think more clearly.

Obviously there is probably also a chemical that happens when a person is abused making us addicted to that person like a drug in a way. I see my T again this week. And I know I should let the divorce play out to completion. I know. It's just that dang hope is so entoxicating  religious upbringing as well plays a part, and not having a very supportive family makes it hard too.

Thank you for your immediate response. I'm just afraid. And sad. And overwhelmed.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Hanging.

I'm not surprised that you are afraid and sad and overwhelmed. Divorce is a big deal in and of itself. Where religious expectations come into it, it becomes massive. Then add the business, the abusive behaviour, the hiding reality from everyone and the unsupportive family and it becomes a massive burden that no one even knows that you are carrying.

My family is pretty unsupportive, so I really appreciate how alone you must feel. I am divorced now but I was brought up a Christian, and am surrounded by Christians. After I got married, I stopped talking to men. I was miserable and wanted to leave my husband. I wanted to leave so much but my religious upbringing said I mustn't. It took 10 years for me to give myself permission to even talk to another man. Deep down inside, I knew I wanted to leave and I was doing everything I could to try and act in the way that was expected of me. The effort was killing me but prospect of divorce was terrifying.

The only thing to do is to be patient with yourself. It takes as long as it takes. That's okay. It's your life and you have to live it. Be kind to you because you have too little kindness in your life. Love and accept yourself even as you do this imperfectly. There is no perfect way to live life anyway.

Love Lifewriter

[LilMe]

Hi Hanging!

I'm another BTDT.  I stayed married to an abusive husband for 20 years because of the church.  I was told to submit more, have sex more, say less.  Our 6 children are permanently damaged.  We also had a business together.  I helped him start it because he couldn't hold a job.  But in the end I ran it by myself.  The children helped me do as many orders as I could, then we left and went to a battered women's shelter.  We got a protection order and were able to come home in 2 weeks.  It was hard, but I know I did the right thing.

Listen to your inner voice!  Deep down inside, you know what is right for you.  Keep posting here.  There are amazing and kind people here who are so helpful.  Let us know how things are going.