I'm still here, but I'm working on emotionally detaching

[Ceruleanblue]

My therapist suggested I emotionally detach from BPDh. It seems sort of unconventional advice, but I'm doing my best to do it. My Mother suggested it quite a while back too. I mean, I'd love to have more with BPDh, but I've known for a very long time, that it's not going to happen.

How are some ways any of you have emotionally detached from a spouse, short or long term? I'm thinking this might actually help me stay, if I'm able, until I can get through college. And if I can't, due to his escalation and painting me black, I'm thinking the emotional detachment will help me in that regard too.

I'm still trying to be respectful and kind, but he feels sort of like an acquaintance to me, or room mate, rather than a spouse. A really hateful room mate who expects sex.

What are some other ways emotionally detaching looks like? BPDh seems to be pro at this, and it seems so foreign to me.

[teapay]

Yes, I've emotionally detached quite abit.  You can do it by taking care of yourself first, if not solely, and not care anymore (aka not giving a xxxx).  I keep busy with and job and kids.   I'm not an emotionally dependent person, so I can turn it off.  My kids are young, so doing this awhile alittle longer is doable.

But unless you have some kind of larger mitigating reason for doing this (eg. Kids, health and financial dependencies, strong religous beliefs, ect... .), why would you consider it as opposed to detaching outright?

[Panda39]

I have learned to detach from my mom (not BPD but very controlling/not very sensitive). I have lowered my expectations in terms of what our relationship is.  She will never be the mother I want and I will never be the daughter she wants.

What I do when she is pushing my buttons is to kind of step out of myself and become an observer.  I watch the interaction from the outside and realize that her actions are hers and about her they aren't about me.  When I look at things that way I don't take them personally so my feelings don't get hurt and I don't engage in an argument.

An example: We were on a road trip with some other family members and I was talking.  She didn't like what I was talking about and cut me off, for a brief second my feelings were hurt and then I thought that's her problem too bad she doesn't want to get to know me better, her loss.   

Panda39

[Sunfl0wer]

Things that helped me detach:

1. Like Panda states, lowering expectations.  Engaging with him without expectations really can help to remove attachment of anger or other feelings.

2. Practicing mindfulness can help keep a safer distance and help you tend to yourself in the moment vs responses and reactions.

3.  Pursuing my own interests is helpful for me to reestablish an identity separate from him.

Like teapay says about detaching:

But unless you have some kind of larger mitigating reason for doing this (eg. Kids, health and financial dependencies, strong religous beliefs, ect... .), why would you consider it as opposed to detaching outright?

. To be honest, for me, I did not exactly find motivation to detach by choice.  I have no idea if I had the strength to.  I was motivated by him detaching from me, and thus was forced to cope with that.

4. Carving out space for me, in physical space, emotional space, and in thought and being kind to myself about the need to take space.

Like Panda39 says:

What I do when she is pushing my buttons is to kind of step out of myself and become an observer.  I watch the interaction from the outside and realize that her actions are hers and about her they aren't about me.  When I look at things that way I don't take them personally so my feelings don't get hurt and I don't engage in an argument.

^^This!^^

There was a mental switch in my mind when I learned to act as an observer vs reactor/responder.  It was a huge turning point for me!

[KarmasReal]

Hey Ceruleanblue,

Your post definitely rings a bell with me. Upon my first breakup with my BPD SO I did a fair amount of research into her behavior and kept coming back to BPD. We eventually got back together because I thought, at that time, a BPD could change on their own. Over the course of the rest of our relationship it became clear she hadn't. Upon further reading of BPD and seeing it first hand from my ex I knew this roller coaster was never stopping and at some point we would call it quits again. Realizing that I started to emotionally detach from her, day by day.

Once you really decide this is what you have to do to protect yourself and your emotions it becomes almost unconscious. Instead of being dragged into arguments or letting her devalue me I simply left, went to a friends or anywhere not to be around that. Before I decided to detach I would have stayed and tried to work through it.

I detached from her sexually, the sex was still there but in my mind I knew it was an act of her control not an emotional expression so that's what it became. When she would talk about drama or the world being against her, she usually always draw me in to placate her in some way, once detached I just nodded silently knowing she was simply a damaged BPD person.

Like some of the others suggest, why do you not detach fully? Trust me I know it sounds terrible but in the end, at some point, it's going to be your only choice. I emotionally detached from my BPD partner for months, but the end still came and I was still hurt, because as long as your still there you will never be fully detached. There is no way you can fully protect yourself from the hurt, emotionally detaching does lessen the blow, but that's just more time you're spending in this toxic relationship so at the end the hurt will still be there.

It really is like the old saying goes "Just rip the band aid off". Yeah it hurts bad at the beginning but you get over it a lot quicker than slowly pulling it off and keeping not the pain going for a much longer time than need be. I hope this helps!

[Lucky Jim]

My therapist suggested I emotionally detach from BPDh. It seems sort of unconventional advice, but I'm doing my best to do it.

Hello again, Cerulean, No, I don't think it's unconventional advice at all.  I certainly learned to do it.  You kind of have to, after a certain point.  In the first phase of my BPD marriage, I was a doormat for my BPDxW's emotional outbursts, which was terrible for my self-esteem.  In phase two, I fought fire with fire and gave whatever abuse she gave me back to her, which only made for a bigger fire but didn't solve anything.  In phase three, I practiced detachment and refused to get involved in her dramas.  I left the room or the house when she got started.  I declined to get in any arguments and wouldn't participate in the turmoil.  It was sort of a stalemate, because I also guarded my feelings and wouldn't share them with her.  At that point, my marriage was more or less over, though it took a while for that to sink in.

LuckyJim

[Cloudy Days]

My therapist suggested I emotionally detach from BPDh. It seems sort of unconventional advice,

I don't think it is unconventional at all. Your husband is clearly not making progress, he may have small victories here and there but for the most part he's still treating you like he always has. When the person you are emotionally invested in hurts you repeatedly there comes a point when you have to stop investing your emotional well being in him. Stop picking up anything that would emotionally invest you into his "stuff". For instance, in your last post about your husband hopping on a bike and not wearing a helment you were very upset about the fact that he broke promises. He made choices to do those things, it was your choice to be emotionally invested enough to get upset about them. Your husband is going to do what he wants to do, stop getting caught up in what he does. Don't take his actions personally, when he does something that is detrimental to him, let him deal with the consequences. Become an observer rather than someone who reacts.

I wanted to say that things are going pretty good with me and my husband, I still know how to detach emotionally from him when I need to.

[Lucky Jim]

Your husband is going to do what he wants to do, stop getting caught up in what he does. Don't take his actions personally, when he does something that is detrimental to him, let him deal with the consequences. Become an observer rather than someone who reacts.

Well said, Cloudy.  Took me a long time to get the hang of this concept, but I finally got the message.

LuckyJim

[Narkiss]

CloudyDays. Yes, I can relate this this. It is my choice to have contact with my pwBPD and so I cannot blame him when I am upset and hurt.