The beginning of my story

[teorainn]

 

So after doing some looking around, I noticed people find it helpful to write about their story. So I thought it might be helpful to try the same. So here's my story, so far... .

As a child, my mother was the backbone of our family. My father with uBPD was extremely manipulative and abusive towards her and I saw this often as a child. Eventually when I was just on the brink of adolescence, my mother passed away. My father had never had any kind of real parental role in the family, besides occasionally working and bringing money in (he never stayed in jobs very long).

Eventually my sister (uBPD) and I had to fend for ourselves in every sense, besides shelter and food. Which made things much worse for my sister and her mental health, her behaviours escalated. Always in massive extreme rages, especially with my father. She eventually moved out when she was 17 and she manipulated other family members and abused and ruined relationships with them.

Myself in this interesting story however, was the very passive and constantly anxious person who they both ended up relying on. Everyone else left them, and I never realised what they were doing, during my adolescence I didn't have the capabilities to see that I was being manipulated, constantly.

I became more aware of it with my sister, as she was no longer in my life 24/7, she moved hours away and I had time to reflect upon her and our relationship and what were the issues creating her anger and manipulation all the time. I started creating boundaries with my sister, and it helped a little. She used to have at least one major outburst every time she visited.

My father I was less clued in. I still lived with him and he didn't have massive anger outbursts near me. He was always very calm. Which is because I had already created boundaries around those issues. He knew it wouldn't work in his favor. He was however very manipulative in a much more passive sense. I never noticed until I moved out of home.

My current situation is that I recently discussed with my sister how I won't be visiting her anymore, due to extremely massive outbursts every single time I go to her house. She doesn't have any massive outbursts when she visits me anymore, because I make the boundaries very clear, and what's acceptable in my home. She understands this. I was extremely surprised as when I explained this to her, she didn't go into a massive rage, she was very understanding considering the person she is. She still constantly manipulates others, but she seems to be slowly coming to somewhat of an unspoken agreement with me... .I feel truly awful about it though, I get embarrassed going into public with her, she's always inappropriate and trying to get attention from random strangers, and I hate it because... I'm just ashamed to be around and associated with her.

My father has hit a low point because he's now on his own for the first time in probably over 25+ years. He is acting very erratically and taking major steps to try and manipulate me to get the attention he wants... My contact with him has been quite limited as of late, due to this. I have the same shame however with the both of them, with being associated with them, due to their behaviour.

I feel like the only reason I'm making any progress with either of them is because they are both so cut off from everyone. I am the only family either of them really have, and due to their uBPD they constantly lose all their friendships/relationships. Making boundaries is hard though, because they also know who I am as a person, and they know I'm aware that I am their only family... .and regularly try to manipulate me because of that.

But at the moment I'm just tired of having to put so much work into all of it.

[Turkish]

It's great that you boundaries with your sis are working, at least in your turf. In a way, you may be stepping into the Parent role which she never had. As much as it is frustrating, if its working it's working. I'm am in a somewhat similar situation with my Ex and co-parenting our 4 and 6 year old.

What behaviors is your father exhibiting that are manipulative?

[unicorn2014]

  I am sorry for all the suffering you have gone through and thank you so much for your sharing your story with us. I hope you find healing and consolation with us.

[teorainn]

Thanks unicorn I really am glad I found this forum, I hope I can find some too.

I do take a kind of parental role with my sister, yes. I'm the youngest child, but I have always looked out for her from a very young age, so it's easy to adapt and set boundaries in that sense, because I'm kind of used to it in a way. When we were both teenagers, my sister and father took their rage out on each other, I always was the voice of reason with her because otherwise it would've ended badly with people getting hurt.

My father is an alcoholic, and when he becomes drunk it triggers his uBPD significantly. He can function quite well when he is sober. He is also alone for the first time in a very long time, which he doesn't like. He's tries to manipulate me to get attention because he doesn't have any other family really, and a very small network of friends who aren't very close to him.

I however have made it very clear I am not interested in speaking with him when he is in any kind of drunk state. I grew up with it as a child, and I do not agree with it at all, and refuse to put up with it. He recently has been binge drinking however and so as I do, I ignore him and let him know I'll be in touch when he is sober. He took things to extremes however due to taking himself to hospital because he knew the attention it would bring him when he calls and says "Im in hospital, give me all the attention I want" I knew when he called, he was fine... just drunk and triggered, and the doctors confirmed my beliefs within a few hours.

He regularly calls me each day, wanting to talk and wanting to know when I'm going to visit him. It was a lot more difficult to realise how manipulative he was when I lived at home, because I just thought as a parent he had the right to know what I was doing in a sense, as I was living under his roof. Politeness, is polite. However, now it's just excessive, and he uses all opportunities possible to get a reaction and get attention.

I feel bad for him in some ways, but in another sense... .I have no sympathy at all for him and just wish to be left alone. I am in contact with a member of my family and some other close family friends, and I've been trying to get them to be involved and give him some positive support when he's behaving appropriately (that sounds awful, but it's true) so that he can have some kind of support network.

Buuuuuut really, he's an adult, who I have little respect for the majority of the time... .and I want to put boundaries in place, so I can still have some form of relationship with him, because I know what a lovely person he can be, when he is in the right place... .but I'm a bit over it.