Venting thoughts as I get closer to my divorce date...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I finally deleted my Facebook stalking account! I know you all will be happy about that ; )  I have all the evidence I need for my divorce. I don't want to look at his newborn anymore- It is just so disturbing. That seems to be some kind of closure I needed. It really is awful  to se in more ways than one.  I work with allot of people and when they ask me about how the divorce is coming along and I tell them he has a baby, they are speechless and feel so sorry for the child. These are clients I have had for many, many years and know his behaviors in the past. I even have clients that have a pwBPD in their lives, so they know what it is like. I am less than a month away from divorce and I am really happy about that (if you can be happy about it). I sometimes think that is what has been hindering my "moving on", yet in reality, I know I will feel bad when it actually happens. At least there will be nothing holding me back. I find myself crying allot more than usual lately.  I think I was trying to be strong and not cry, because it's hard to cry over someone who abused and used you, like you are not supposed to. His Mother even asked me,"why are you crying?" -weird really- I think I am the normal one.  I have been listening to allot of music lately, trying to get myself back. Sometimes I start wondering how he has possibly been with this gf for a year now and living together... .she has to see the behaviors by now? I know she has a child with him now and that will change things, either by her staying longer or leaving quicker-it will all be up to her. I know I am not supposed to care, but it is what we all wonder-is he treating her different Everything we read says no. I also realize he has that "magical thinking" and he has it in his head that somehow they are better suited for each other. That bothers me, yet I should be glad that a mentally ill person doesn't think he is suited for me ; ) even though he thought so in the beginning. I think about how she is coping with him exhausting her, her having a c-section and a newborn... .and his constant need of attention and sex. I am glad not to have to deal with it anymore, but I guess I am still curious about it, as any of us are here. I am just venting here, so I hope you understand... .I just need to let out my thoughts sometimes. I don't need to be told to forget about it or not to worry about it- I am working on that. Just wonder if anyone has any constructive advice on why this is taking so long. They say the longer we are in it, the longer it takes to recover... .I guess I am now lumping all my failed relationships over all of the years together, as this was such an eye opener for me. I feel sad for me, yet glad to have finally learned the lessons on how to be happy by myself. It's just lonely at times. Someone said it's nice to have someone who is there for you and that you are close to that you can count on- I guess I never really had that in a relationship. It's not right- I will not let that happen again. It is going to be hard moving on and trusting someone in the future... .It is easier to stay alone and not have to make any adjustments to my way of thinking or living with someone else. Maybe that's an aging process as well, I don't know. I do know that I am enjoying allot of my life with out him better than I was with him... .how could I not? Dealing with an alcoholic is hard enough, let alone a pwBPD. I am getting there -very slowly... .

[Herodias]

So I finally deleted my Facebook stalking account! I know you all will be happy about that ; )  I have all the evidence I need for my divorce. I don't want to look at his newborn anymore- It is just so disturbing. That seems to be some kind of closure I needed. It really is awful  to se in more ways than one.  I work with allot of people and when they ask me about how the divorce is coming along and I tell them he has a baby, they are speechless and feel so sorry for the child. These are clients I have had for many, many years and know his behaviors in the past. I even have clients that have a pwBPD in their lives, so they know what it is like. I am less than a month away from divorce and I am really happy about that (if you can be happy about it). I sometimes think that is what has been hindering my "moving on", yet in reality, I know I will feel bad when it actually happens. At least there will be nothing holding me back. I find myself crying allot more than usual lately.  I think I was trying to be strong and not cry, because it's hard to cry over someone who abused and used you, like you are not supposed to. His Mother even asked me,"why are you crying?" -weird really- I think I am the normal one.  I have been listening to allot of music lately, trying to get myself back. Sometimes I start wondering how he has possibly been with this gf for a year now and living together... .she has to see the behaviors by now? I know she has a child with him now and that will change things, either by her staying longer or leaving quicker-it will all be up to her. I know I am not supposed to care, but it is what we all wonder-is he treating her different Everything we read says no. I also realize he has that "magical thinking" and he has it in his head that somehow they are better suited for each other. That bothers me, yet I should be glad that a mentally ill person doesn't think he is suited for me ; ) even though he thought so in the beginning. I think about how she is coping with him exhausting her, her having a c-section and a newborn... .and his constant need of attention and sex. I am glad not to have to deal with it anymore, but I guess I am still curious about it, as any of us are here. I am just venting here, so I hope you understand... .I just need to let out my thoughts sometimes. I don't need to be told to forget about it or not to worry about it- I am working on that. Just wonder if anyone has any constructive advice on why this is taking so long. They say the longer we are in it, the longer it takes to recover... .I guess I am now lumping all my failed relationships over all of the years together, as this was such an eye opener for me. I feel sad for me, yet glad to have finally learned the lessons on how to be happy by myself. It's just lonely at times. Someone said it's nice to have someone who is there for you and that you are close to that you can count on- I guess I never really had that in a relationship. It's not right- I will not let that happen again. It is going to be hard moving on and trusting someone in the future... .It is easier to stay alone and not have to make any adjustments to my way of thinking or living with someone else. Maybe that's an aging process as well, I don't know. I do know that I am enjoying allot of my life with out him better than I was with him... .how could I not? Dealing with an alcoholic is hard enough, let alone a pwBPD. I am getting there -very slowly... .

[strongerthanU]

I am less than a month away from divorce and I am really happy about that (if you can be happy about it). I sometimes think that is what has been hindering my "moving on", yet in reality, I know I will feel bad when it actually happens. At least there will be nothing holding me back. I find myself crying allot more than usual lately.  I think I was trying to be strong and not cry, because it's hard to cry over someone who abused and used you, like you are not supposed to.

  Just wonder if anyone has any constructive advice on why this is taking so long.

I feel sad for me, yet glad to have finally learned the lessons on how to be happy by myself. It's just lonely at times. Someone said it's nice to have someone who is there for you and that you are close to that you can count on- I guess I never really had that in a relationship. It's not right- I will not let that happen again. It is going to be hard moving on and trusting someone in the future... .It is easier to stay alone and not have to make any adjustments to my way of thinking or living with someone else. Maybe that's an aging process as well, I don't know. I do know that I am enjoying allot of my life with out him better than I was with him... .how could I not? Dealing with an alcoholic is hard enough, let alone a pwBPD. I am getting there -very slowly... .

Hi Blue 

I captured all of your questions and insight that resonated with me! felt you just needed a great big HUG! I am just getting the ball rolling and it has already been all of the things you say, its like ripping a scabbed over bandage off over and over. I think if it took less time to heal it would be a reflection of my being a shallow individual or at least thats how I view it. for whatever reason those of us who have given it every last damn chance are left holding this inexplicable PAIN that just lingers like a bad day.

I know I am looking forward to enjoying life differently, very differently, without fear or anxiety of what he thinks or would say or how he might react or trigger or go silent or binge spend or a plethora of other behaviors I've come to stress out over.

I am lonely but Free in the moment to sink into my bed without PTSD I have begun a self care routine that was sorely missing from my life.

Blue i hope for you that you can love yourself and make no comparisons, they don't matter, what matters is tomorrow is there for you and it  is free from the sorrow you were walking in, its still there but everyday it will get less and less.

I get caught in tearful moments because I am being too hard on myself for giving up, that has been the source of more sob sessions for me than I care to count... .the fact that i said I'm done! it has just been the hardest thing to admit. I never wanted to quit, until i really, really felt like i broke and that feeling was horrible. How long has your whole process been from start until now>

[Herodias]

I hear you Strongerthanu, It is ongoing. Honestly, it's hard to put an exact date on the end of my relationship... .go figure! He brought a woman into my bed on Xmas 2014. At that time, he wanted out. Then I suppose she stopped seeing him, knowing he lied to her about me. Then a little push/pull. I kept moving forward, even though I didn't want to as you said. He moved out Jan. 2015... .we sold the house in April and also legally separated. He started seeing this current gf sometime in here. He came back around to me in July & August 2015 and told me he was done womanizing, loved me and wanted to come home. Then push again... .I begged him to get a vasectomy, as I told him if he got someone pregnant, I was done. His Mother wanted him to do the same. He kept telling me he had a doctors appointment to do so and asked me to go along for support. It never happened. Next thing I knew, she was pregnant! He still said I could take him back! Then I said no... .He moved in with her. Then he asked me to be the babies Aunt in Jan. 2016... .I said no, that would be too weird   - he got mad. He said it is what it is and he was going to try and grow up to be a good dad... .That was it I guess. We haven't spoken-only e-mails about the divorce and then he told me he would file harassment charges on me when I asked him to pay my alimony to another location!    So, we haven't been in contact since March 28 this year... .this is the longest ever. He now had the baby a week ago. That's why I wonder how he is doing with it. He said he didn't want kids... .he knew he was too selfish, he hates crying and he didn't want to pass along what was wrong with him. Who knows what he really wants. As his Mother said- he doesn't even know. So, what is my true ending? I don't know- I think it will be best for me to just use the divorce date June 17, 2016   almost here... .Very confusing, as all these relationships are. I do know he told me he "didn't want to marry her, due to the future women"... .but I suppose he will... .Got to suck her in a bit more I suppose. I can't feel sorry for her in that she left her husband for mine and they cheated 3 years ago with each other too. She has no idea about all the women he was involved with at work, she was just another fish in the pond. I do feel sorry for the baby-that child is destined to have issues between the two of them. Her husband was running around putting out fires with her too... .so who knows what her mental state is. I am glad to be out... .I am just devastated by all I went through. It's incredible. I did love him  and  I know I loved the person I met in the beginning-that's the person I mourn. I feel like my husband died... .the one I thought I had. It's an odd feeling.

[thrownforaloop]

I feel like my husband died... .the one I thought I had. It's an odd feeling.

That is such a perfect way to sum up this mental state, isn't it? There does seem to be a turning point, for a lot of us, where the person we grew to love vanishes.  I look at my ex like a complete stranger. No idea who she is, what she's capable of.

[C.Stein]

I feel like my husband died... .the one I thought I had. It's an odd feeling.

That is such a perfect way to sum up this mental state, isn't it? There does seem to be a turning point, for a lot of us, where the person we grew to love vanishes.  I look at my ex like a complete stranger. No idea who she is, what she's capable of.

When my ex blew apart our relationship she became somewhat a stranger to me.  Now post trash bin and the realization that she was working my replacement months before throwing me away has in every way turned her into a complete stranger to me.  It is very much like the woman I believed in, fell deeply in love with had died.  Accepting this has been the single most difficult aspect of detaching for me.

Oh ... .and congratulations on finally removing yourself from the FB pain farm blue.  It has been a long time coming but I think you will find your pain will significantly lessen without the constant reminders of him and his life now.  

[Herodias]

"Oh ... .and congratulations on finally removing yourself from the FB pain farm blue.  It has been a long time coming but I think you will find your pain will significantly lessen without the constant reminders of him and his life now."

Thanks C. Stein... .I think you are right... .it was keeping me attached. I did get some perfect evidence for my divorce though... .