Listed as a collateral in Chemical Assessment and Psych Evaluation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

During our first child custody mediation session, it was determined that my ex has to go in for a chemical assessment and psych evaluation. I have been listed as a collateral for both due to the fact he has been through the system a number of times and knows key words to use to try and pass the evaluations. I'm wondering if anyone has experience with this and has recommendations on key points I should address with the evaluators.  He is an alcoholic with a history of DWI's, court-ordered treatment, verbal and emotional abuse towards me.  He chose to only see our son three days a month for the past five years (our son's entire life) and then suddenly filed for custody when I started a serious relationship with someone new.  Any help would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.

[razemarie]

During our first child custody mediation session, it was determined that my ex has to go in for a chemical assessment and psych evaluation. I have been listed as a collateral for both due to the fact he has been through the system a number of times and knows key words to use to try and pass the evaluations. I'm wondering if anyone has experience with this and has recommendations on key points I should address with the evaluators.  He is an alcoholic with a history of DWI's, court-ordered treatment, verbal and emotional abuse towards me.  He chose to only see our son three days a month for the past five years (our son's entire life) and then suddenly filed for custody when I started a serious relationship with someone new.  Any help would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you.

[livednlearned]

My lawyer mentioned it only in the context of taking things further to prove that ex was drinking before or during visitation. We never took that route.

If you are going through the whole nine yards, then chances are it's being taken pretty seriously that he has ongoing problems with substance abuse.

Has he actually done the assessment/evaluation?

How does he seem when he sees your son? Do you suspect he is still using?

[GaGrl]

Could you be exceptionally objective about this and simply provide a timeline of well-documentation occurrences? Date... .this happened... .this was the result/consequence.

[Thunderstruck]

Is he working the program? Or is he in denial and still using? That personally would make a big difference to me. I can forgive someone who has messed up in the past but is currently trying to get their act together. Not so much someone who won't get help for themselves.

I agree with Gagrl, let the paperwork speak for itself. We made a timeline like this (at the CEs request) for uBPDbm. We listed every police report, court cases (when uBPDbm was arrested, made false allegations in TROs), CPS report, important filing in our custody case, and important events pertaining to SD (when they met, uBPDbm immediately got pregnant, SDs birth, DH and uBPDbm moving in together, DH moving out, etc). We even listed a few of these from before DH even met uBPDbm to show she had a pattern of this behavior with other boyfriends as well.

So it would look like:

Date    Document number       Agency (CPS,police,court,etc)         Summary                                                   Findings

1/1/01    abc567                             police                                  DH alleged uBPDbm hit him                          uBPDbm arrested for battery

1/1/11    xxx123                             CPS                                     uBPDbm alleged DH smoking marijuana        drug test negative


Just because he has a disease, though, doesn't mean he shouldn't be able to see his child. It just means that maybe you should consider taking some extra precautions.

If he is still using... .You could request supervised visits. As a back up option, you could also request that he do pick ups through a daycare or another professional third party. If he shows up drunk then they are mandatory reporters to CPS.

[ForeverDad]

He is an alcoholic with a history of DWI's, court-ordered treatment, verbal and emotional abuse towards me.  He chose to only see our son three days a month for the past five years (our son's entire life) and then suddenly filed for custody when I started a serious relationship with someone new.

In the Twilight Zone he might win but the reality is that (1) his mental health and alcohol addiction history puts him in a poor light, (2) he has a long history of being minimally involved in parenting, (3) by contrast you have majority parenting history and no major issues.

Many courts require that for a parent to request a major change, the parent would have to file for "Change of Circumstances".  So what has changed?  I mean, besides you starting a new relationship.   Sorry, the reality is that a divorced parent starting a relationship is NOT considered a change of circumstances.  He's been triggered, his perception of the status quo has been upset.  However, there is no reason to feel guilty about Moving On.  You are allowed to have adult relationships, he can't stop that.  View it like "sour grapes", all of a sudden he's been awoken from his complacency, possibly he feels he's being replaced or 'losing' his children.

However, since his has so little visitation now, there is a possibility that he could end up with a little more scheduled time.  (Doesn't mean he will use it all in future years.)  A 'typical' order for the non-primary parent could be alternate weekends (even short weekends) and an evening/overnight in between.

Also, understand that many courts view legal custody (major decision making) as somewhat separate from the parenting schedule (time with the children).  What is he seeking?  Legal status or time?  Most people have joint legal custody.  It is very, very hard for a parent to gain full legal custody unless there are substantive reasons to make that change.

[razemarie]

He is scheduled to go in for his evaluation in two weeks.  I have made copies of all email communications between us for the past five year and the court is gathering his past criminal charges (DUI's, court-ordered treatment, etc).  Many times in his emails he admits to being an alcoholic, although he is denying it now throughout this process and says he has never had a problem and cleaned up his act eight years ago which was the last time he was arrested for it.  He now says the problem is all in my head.  During the first couple of hours of our initial evaluation he stated that he had been sober for three years.  But within two hours he was admitting that he drinks with friends up to three nights a week and has drank in the presence of his two daughters.  His custody agreement with his ex states that he is not allowed to have any alcohol during his time with them.  I brought this up as a major concern.  In the past he has never been able to stop at three days a week so my guess is he is drinking most days unless he has our son (which is supervised by his parents).  He has always refused to go to AA and only lasted three weeks at the class our church offers which is similar in nature. I have seen his hands shaking horribly at our son's hockey practices.  To the point where he is unable to tie his skates.  Again, this was always a sign in the past of withdrawals so my thinking is that he is not drinking during the few days a month he has our son but otherwise is.

[razemarie]

I also agree that a child needs both his mom and his dad in his life.  I used to push very hard for his dad to clean up his act and be involved more but he never stepped up.  If he would get clean and stick to the boundaries, I would have no problem with our son seeing him.  But the fact is that he is not clean. He does not keep his word and plays games with our son in the middle to try and hurt me.  Even now... .all of this is motivated by the fact that I am in a new relationship. It's not about our son and unfortunately never has been. My son loves him. He is a silly dad when they are together and there are no rules. No set bedtime, no chores... .just fun.  I try to stay positive about his dad and never say anything bad but obviously I am concerned about his dad's influence on him as he gets older. Children need structure and guidelines to thrive. Not the chaos of a BPD and alcoholic life.