How do nons stick up for themselves without starting a war?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

The BPD person in my life is my diagnosed sister in law.

A couple things have happened recently that have left me feeling frustrated and helpless. It has left me wondering, how can I stick up for myself without causing conflict?

My SIL recently needed to collect something she had stored in our shed at home. I can see down to the shed from our house and noticed that she was helping herself to our firewood. I called my husband to see if she had asked him if she could take some, but she hadn't asked. In my opinion, this is stealing. My husband and I discussed whether or not we should bring it up with her, but we decided not to because it would be a huge drama from her end.

It feels unfair to me that we feel we need to compromise our values in order to keep the peace. She would probably argue that she didn't take much wood and where we live was her childhood home, so she would possibly see it as part of the family farm. However, she hasn't lived here for 15 years and wouldn't even consider that we have taken the time to chop, load, unload and store that wood (or that we sell it to supplement our income).

The other thing that happened was she declined an invitation to my husband's birthday lunch. She has a long history of non-attendance to family occasions, so it was really no surprise. What frustrated me is that last year, we didn't invite her to our daughters birthday party and it caused such a huge blow out that she stopped talking to us for almost a year. It's a case of damned if you do damned if you don't. It feels hurtful to constantly have her decline invitations (sometimes without a reply) and yet if she isn't invited to something it's such a huge drama.

How much should we put up with?

[fightorflight]

The BPD person in my life is my diagnosed sister in law.

A couple things have happened recently that have left me feeling frustrated and helpless. It has left me wondering, how can I stick up for myself without causing conflict?

My SIL recently needed to collect something she had stored in our shed at home. I can see down to the shed from our house and noticed that she was helping herself to our firewood. I called my husband to see if she had asked him if she could take some, but she hadn't asked. In my opinion, this is stealing. My husband and I discussed whether or not we should bring it up with her, but we decided not to because it would be a huge drama from her end.

It feels unfair to me that we feel we need to compromise our values in order to keep the peace. She would probably argue that she didn't take much wood and where we live was her childhood home, so she would possibly see it as part of the family farm. However, she hasn't lived here for 15 years and wouldn't even consider that we have taken the time to chop, load, unload and store that wood (or that we sell it to supplement our income).

The other thing that happened was she declined an invitation to my husband's birthday lunch. She has a long history of non-attendance to family occasions, so it was really no surprise. What frustrated me is that last year, we didn't invite her to our daughters birthday party and it caused such a huge blow out that she stopped talking to us for almost a year. It's a case of damned if you do damned if you don't. It feels hurtful to constantly have her decline invitations (sometimes without a reply) and yet if she isn't invited to something it's such a huge drama.

How much should we put up with?

[P.F.Change]

Hi, fightorflight,

It sounds like you already have an understanding that when someone who has BPD, there is going to be conflict no matter what. It is a disorder that brings volatility to relationships. You can't keep your SIL from feeling upset or acting out--her feelings and behaviors are not in your power to control.

I believe it is not helpful to us or to our loved ones when we do not honor our own boundaries in order to avoid conflict. The truth is, every relationship has conflict, and the important thing is how we resolve it. In a healthy relationship, both parties work together toward mutual understanding, trust, and solutions. In a relationship that is unbalanced by mental illness or addiction, conflict usually is not mutually resolved, because one or both parties can't get beyond their own immediate needs and feelings. In the case of your relationship with your SIL, she may never be able to accept that you and your husband have a right to boundaries. However, refusing to take care of your boundaries is not the same thing as preventing conflict with her. You will still feel the negativity of the conflict, but will experience it internally (anger and resentment) rather than merely externally (your SIL's rage). You can't avoid the conflict. You just need to decide how you and your husband are going to resolve it on your end, regardless of how your SIL behaves.

This site has some really great tools that can help in communicating boundaries. There is no technique that will control other people's feelings or behaviors or keep them from feeling upset, but these do give a powerful framework that can help us say what we need to say while maintaining a loving and validating tone. Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN) This one is also a good place to start thinking about how to ensure your values are reflected in your boundaries: Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order. How much you put up with is really entirely up to you. Have you ever asked for professional guidance?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Naughty Nibbler]

FightOrFlight:

My parents just recently passed, but their home was the default place to hold holiday and birthday celebrations.  My cousin was always invited and many times insisted that she bring something.  More often than not, my cousin wouldn't show up. Usually, there was some comment about not feeling well, slept too late, etc.  Most of the time, we didn't believe the excuses. I can certainly understand the frustration of dealing with your BPD SIL, (my sis is the uBPD in my life)

My mom started to get a bit frustrated, but I convinced her to NOT let it bother her.  We still invited my cousin as usual, but we never counted on her being there.  When she asked what she could bring, we never suggested anything essential to the meal (always something that would be extra and not missed by anyone else). 

My cousin wasn't BPD, but we still had no power to change her habits.  It was what it was and it was less frustrating for us to just accept it and expect it (we avoided wasting energy on being upset).  We weren't going to change her and it wasn't a battle worth waging to get angry about.  So, when my cousin attended, we enjoyed her company.  When she didn't show up (grew to be about 50% of the time), we choose to NOT let it bother us. Someone would usually say, "Too bad cousin ______ isn't here, she missed a good meal". 

I try to relate to a logic, "pick the hill you want to die on" - meaning, pick your battles. With a BPD, there can be lots of battles, so it can be in one's best interest to decide which ones to confront (or set boundaries with) and which ones to make peace with. 

I'm thinking that some celebrate when the BPD in their life doesn't attend an event.

[fightorflight]

Thanks P.F. Change and Naughty Nibbler for taking the time to read and reply to my post.

It's great to be able to get some different perspectives and share stories and links to self help.

I haven't read the links yet, but I will!

Establishing boundaries is something I've found incredibly difficult in this relationship. Lack of respect for our belongings has been an ongoing issue with my SIL. In the past when I have expressed (calmly and respectfully) that if she wants to borrow things from us she needs to ask first, it has resulted in huge blow outs. She has given me the silent treatment for months on end and painted me black. If it was just the relationship with her that suffered, I wouldn't mind, it's a relationship that I no longer value. But it affects my relationship with the rest of my in-laws because when I (and my husband) are painted black, we can't even attend the same mutual family functions as my SIL (she will not see us when we are the 'bad guys". It leads to an unspoken tension between us and other family members because I suppose they don't want to get caught in the middle. So not acting on what has happened comes from bad experiences in the past. It doesn't sit well with me however, because I am not respecting my own values. It's a difficult thing to find peace with.

I do seek professional help for this relationship because it's been so emotional upsetting for me. I read as much about BPD as I can as well.

It's just such a difficult disorder to understand and an extremely challenging relationship to manage.

[Pina colada]

Naughty Nibbler such smart insight.  It is sad to have to count on the negative but past actions truly speak louder than words.  I totally agree, we must pick out battles! 

[P.F.Change]

I'm glad you have the benefit of a counselor. That perspective can be really helpful.

That is tough about the extended family. Why is it that you and your husband are the ones who have to miss out on time with them when his sister is upset? Does the family refuse to invite you in order to appease her, or is it your decision not to go? What if you go and allow her to decide not to come?

Has your husband ever talked with his other family members about how their behavior affects him and you?

[fightorflight]

I'm glad you have the benefit of a counselor. That perspective can be really helpful.

That is tough about the extended family. Why is it that you and your husband are the ones who have to miss out on time with them when his sister is upset? Does the family refuse to invite you in order to appease her, or is it your decision not to go? What if you go and allow her to decide not to come?

Has your husband ever talked with his other family members about how their behavior affects him and you?

Hi again P.F. Change,

Yes, seeing a counsellor has been a huge help, I'm not sure how I would have coped with the situation otherwise.

To address your questions, my husband and I don't always miss out when we are in the bad books - it's more that we would take it in turns with SIL. This was the case last year where if we were going to something (like a family dinner) she wouldn't come. And there were times when we weren't invited to things she was attending. We were asked/told via her parents last to not see her at all for an undefined period. Apparently this was advice from her psychologist. So all of this avoiding each other was really to oblige to her needs.

It was stressful for the whole family, not just us. My BIL (husband's brother) and his wife were kind of stuck in the middle. We have a great relationship with them, but they also had a reasonable relationship with my SIL. It was really up to my BIL and parents-in-law to juggle the separation between us and my SIL. It was so awkward because it was the elephant in the room at every gathering.

Currently, it's my mother-in-law who is in the bad books with SIL, so now the whole family aren't seeing SIL. By cutting out her mother, SIL has essentially isolated herself from the rest of the family. My husband's brother (and wife) who previously had no grievances with SIL are now feeling fed up with it and angry at SIL for ignoring MIL.

In the past we didn't really speak to my BIL and wife about the situation with my SIL. It was understood from their end that SIL wasn't talking to us and they were really just trying to stay neutral. As for my parents in law, they so desperately wanted us all to just get along. We have tried to express how stressful all of this has been for us, but it always seems to be SIL's needs as the highest priority.