My BPD exboyfriend came back into my life and I feel responsible.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi everyone.

I went through a break-up a year and half ago with my ex-boyfriend. Our relationship was very dramatic and destructive and ended with him leaving me for someone else without me knowing after it already had happend.

In the year following there was a lot of on and off with him and I, even though he was in the relationship with the new person.

I believed he truly loved me and that I was the one (and so that he was the one for me despite me being alone and heartbroken).

Through the relationship I felt used emotionally. Either he would love me deeply or ignore me completely. I was what you would call addicted.

Now he is  back in my life. He finally went to therapy and told me he has traits of BPD. After reading about it on this page and reading

about getting through a break-up with an BPD partner everything suddenly made sense to me, with how exhausted and confused I have felt.

He now left his now ex-girlfriend. I at first thought it was so he could be with me, but after the fog has cleared I am realizing

their relationship wasn't healthy aswell and I guess he knew I would still be around to care about him.

I do, deeply. But I am now also concerned about my own emotional state in this.

I have a tendency to be drawn to troubled men, especially men who needs to be saved from something, and when we met he saw me as a way out.

And I get easily depressed myself when my surroundings are unstable and lacks structure. I need a stable love who wont change his mind from one day to another.

For a long time I felt responsible for his mental state even though I also know he had the traits before we met.

I know right now that I can't be what he needs. I need to focus on myself.

But I do what him in my life. I do still have hope for us in the future, either as a couple or just as friends because I really do love him.

What are you thoughts about what to do now? What I came to myself is to just remove myself from the situation but still offer him to contact me

if he ever have suicidal thoughts or such. I feel too bad just leaving completely. I feel its my responsibility somehow.

What I don't know is that is there any hope for it to get better at some point?

Kind regards, once_toronto

[once_toronto]

Hi everyone.

I went through a break-up a year and half ago with my ex-boyfriend. Our relationship was very dramatic and destructive and ended with him leaving me for someone else without me knowing after it already had happend.

In the year following there was a lot of on and off with him and I, even though he was in the relationship with the new person.

I believed he truly loved me and that I was the one (and so that he was the one for me despite me being alone and heartbroken).

Through the relationship I felt used emotionally. Either he would love me deeply or ignore me completely. I was what you would call addicted.

Now he is  back in my life. He finally went to therapy and told me he has traits of BPD. After reading about it on this page and reading

about getting through a break-up with an BPD partner everything suddenly made sense to me, with how exhausted and confused I have felt.

He now left his now ex-girlfriend. I at first thought it was so he could be with me, but after the fog has cleared I am realizing

their relationship wasn't healthy aswell and I guess he knew I would still be around to care about him.

I do, deeply. But I am now also concerned about my own emotional state in this.

I have a tendency to be drawn to troubled men, especially men who needs to be saved from something, and when we met he saw me as a way out.

And I get easily depressed myself when my surroundings are unstable and lacks structure. I need a stable love who wont change his mind from one day to another.

For a long time I felt responsible for his mental state even though I also know he had the traits before we met.

I know right now that I can't be what he needs. I need to focus on myself.

But I do what him in my life. I do still have hope for us in the future, either as a couple or just as friends because I really do love him.

What are you thoughts about what to do now? What I came to myself is to just remove myself from the situation but still offer him to contact me

if he ever have suicidal thoughts or such. I feel too bad just leaving completely. I feel its my responsibility somehow.

What I don't know is that is there any hope for it to get better at some point?

Kind regards, once_toronto

[Mutt]

Hi once_toronto,



I can relate with feeling emotionally distressed and confused. I would like to add that I felt isolated because I couldn't get advice that helped me and my relationship with a pwBPD.  Advice from family, friends, therapists, marriage counselors didn't work because they didn't understand that my ex wife had traits of BPD. 

It sounds like you have the right idea with self protection, a pwBPD have insecure attachment styles and fear abandonment, the distance may trigger him and he may act out.

A pwBPD have low self worth, feel insecure, usually suffer from clinical depression and anxiety and need a lot validation and strong boundaries. To answer your question about if it gets better, you'll find relationship tools for a pwBPD that will help you on the right side of the staying board.

I'm glad that you have found us and decided to join the discussions. You're not alone.

[heartandwhole]

Hi once_toronto,

I'd like to add my welcome to Mutt's. I'm glad you decided to post. I can relate to so much of what you have written—I also felt exhausted and confused when I broke up with pwBPD. And I know how it feels to break up and get back together, only to find that I was more an emotional crutch than a beloved. 

Your goal to stay focused on yourself is a great one. In emotionally charged relationships, it's critical to retain a sense of ourselves. I want to comment on your feeling of responsibility for your ex. It's very understandable to feel that way, especially as he has traits of BPD. I think most of us here wanted to help our partners and empathized with their pain. But we are not responsible for another adult's behavior or feelings. It doesn't help them, and can cause us a world of pain. And you said that you need stability and structure in your relationships. Please don't ignore your needs because you feel that someone else's needs take precedence. I've been there, too, and it caused a lot of pain for me when I realized how alone I really was in the relationship.

If you'd like to try to be friends with your ex, the tools on the Staying board would be a fantastic way to start, as Mutt said. It takes patience and strong boundaries to forge a friendship with an ex.

Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on, once_toronto? What kind of self-care do you engage in? I love yoga and swimming and meditative activities. What about you?

Keep writing, once_toronto. We are here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Tealady44]

I feel your pain, I want to reach out too but know I can't as it will probably end in hurt. I've stayed in no contact for 2 months even though he still has mail sent to my home and I have to ruturn it to post office as I don't know where he now lives and I've blocked him on social media. It's very hard I know your pain xx