I just woke up from a nightmare... 1am

[Herodias]

I just woke up from having a nightmare! I was dreaming that I was in a house alone with my ex-husband and my ex boyfriend from before him. My ex boyfriend was a drug addict. Very tall and thin, yet very strong in real life. My ex husband was a marine... .shorter, but strong with with skills to kill someone with his bare hands -as he always told me. In the dream I was trying to sleep, it was late at night. The only light in the room was the tv which was playing porn with the title "narc/sociopath porn"... .which was very clear on the set. My ex-boyfriend was stealing money out of my purse (as he did in real life). My ex-husband was asleep on a chair beside me. When I woke in the dream from the bed, the two of them started arguing about me. My ex-husband started to laugh and came over and started kissing me... the passionate way that he would. I was transformed back into how I felt with him... .sexy, but creepy- if that makes sense.  My ex-boyfriend looked at me and said, "I never knew you were like that"... .Then my ex-boyfriend and ex-husband started to fight with each other. I was in the middle.  It was so real I cannot even tell you. I woke up and my heart was racing! I was so afraid. I started crying... .My ex-husband had that psychopath stare in the dream that I have seen before in real life and I didn't know who was going to end up dead in the dream. It could have been me! I have been sitting here shaking and crying. I just needed to write this down and vent it out. I didn't take my sleeping pill when I went to bed and now I am wondering what sort of dreams I have been repressing by taking them. I used to dream allot. The last dream I had about my ex-husband I was alone in a house and someone was trying to break in and kill me- I thought it was him. This was a year ago. I am telling you, this dream was so real. It brought up memories of all the nights my ex would have dreams and talk in his sleep. I don't know what to make of it, but I am going to take my sleeping pill and try to sleep again. It was like I was having a dream of evil and badness fighting around me... .I am not sure. My ex-boyfriend was not mean or a liar in the compulsive way my ex-husband is. He lied about using drugs mostly. But he would always sneak and try and take money from me. I had to hide my purse and lock it in my closet and sleep with one eye open at one time. I went from bad to worse with my husband. I wasn't over that relationship before I went into this one. I was reading one of the past posts of one of the members here before I went to bed and it was so similar to my life with my husband... .maybe that was part of it. I just can't get the two of them out of my head. I was so traumatized by my ex boyfriend that every time I saw a tall thin man with a ball cap, I would flinch... .Now I am doing this when I see someone like my ex-husband. It's just awful. Thanks for letting me tell my dream... .I think it helps to write them down. I feel like my last year has been like a journal here, with real people to give advice and I appreciate that . This is really some scary stuff we have gone through... .I think once you get past the hurt of what we thought was love, we are really traumatized people underneath... .maybe some more than others. This is more serious than I realized. 3 more weeks until my divorce. I am tuned into the fact that it is finally coming fast. I really and truly cannot wait. I didn't even want to do this a year ago... .not even 5 months ago. I am truly ready to put this behind me. I hope my mind can settle this all and I hope I never see either of my exes again in nightmares or in person.

[Hadlee]

Are you in therapy, Blue?

I know reading posts on here can trigger me from time to time.  Whilst this board is a lifesaver and fantastic to work through our issues, sometimes it can keep us stuck.  Have you thought about having a break from everything BPD?  I have a break from the board and it helps me to maintain my distance from anything that resembles BPD.  It can make us feel crazy if we dwell on it too much.  Maybe that would help you?

[WoundedBibi]

Blue, you have so much to process in your life I would find it surprising if you didn't have dreams like this...

As you said you weren't over the relationship with your exbf. So you haven't processed everything you needed to. Then there was the relationship with your soon to be exhb that was hugely traumatic. Which means there is a lot for you to process from that relationship too. And officially ending things with him triggered perhaps memories or realizations about your exbf or your relationship with him.

Dreams are ways to process things you don't get around to during the day. Because it is too much, or it's too big or because you don't give yourself enough opportunity to do so.

I understand these dreams are really scary but perhaps they are not a bad thing. Nor your reaction afterwards. Dreaming is processing, crying is processing. And you need to process. And these dreams can bring you realizations too; how scared you were of them, that you have some work to do to learn how to protect yourself from men like these, how much emotions there are to work through still. And you won't get over them IMO if you don't work through the trauma from both relationships and look at your reasons for starting them.

A T specialized in BPD and trauma could be a great help to heal.

[Herodias]

No, I have only been in therapy while I was in the relationship. That was very discouraging, because they would either talk to me about leaving him all the time or they would be fascinated by him if we went in together. I don't really have the money now to do so as I am waiting to find out how much this divorce is going to cost me... .I have to save everything I can. I think you may be correct about taking break from all of this. I think it is keeping me focused on him... .I will look into some trauma books in the meantime I suppose. I appreciate your help. Thank you... .