I need help moving forward

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

I have been in and out of a relationship with someone I think has BPD for 3 years now.  We lived together for about a year.  The fights became so violent that I moved out so we would not hurt each other physically.  I never stopped loving or caring for her.  I wanted nothing more than for us to be able to work through these issues and be together again and have a strong, healthy relationship.  But for 2 years now since the day I left we have been going back and forth.

I am so confused so lost.  I have totally stopped living.  I can't date or even think about dating.  It's like she won't let me go.  I start to feel healthy again and think I am finally getting over this and then she comes back into my life and turns it upside down.  All the while she always has someone else that she is seeing and that is waiting on her.  She comes to me to help her anytime she needs anything at all.  Then she is gone again with her new person. It's like I am there to help her with her needs then the weekend rolls around and she goes off with her new love to have fun.  All the while making me promises that she wants to spend her life with me and that she will keep in constant contact with me.  And after this time she will leave the new person and come back to me forever.  But this never happens.  It is a weekly cycle and it is literally killing me.

I know I have to get out of this.  I just need to find the strength to let it go.  I know that the same words she is telling me, she is also telling the new person.  It's just when we are good it is so good.  I have never had anyone that passionate and intense for me.  She knows exactly what to do, what to say to keep me holding on.  When she says these things they feel so real.  But then her actions show me it can't be real.  And I constantly think about her being with the new person.  But deep down I know that the same issues have to be going on in their relationship too.  It's just newer to her so it is probably more exciting to her.

I just don't know how to break this cycle because I truly love this girl with everything I have.  But I don't think she loves me.  She doesn't know how to love me or anyone else.  She just likes this intense feeling and will do whatever it takes to feel these emotions.  I don't know how to move forward.  I feel so stuck.  Sorry for the long read.  It helps typing this out and getting it out of me.  Thank you.

Kelli

[glaciercats]

Hi all,

I have been in and out of a relationship with someone I think has BPD for 3 years now.  We lived together for about a year.  The fights became so violent that I moved out so we would not hurt each other physically.  I never stopped loving or caring for her.  I wanted nothing more than for us to be able to work through these issues and be together again and have a strong, healthy relationship.  But for 2 years now since the day I left we have been going back and forth.

I am so confused so lost.  I have totally stopped living.  I can't date or even think about dating.  It's like she won't let me go.  I start to feel healthy again and think I am finally getting over this and then she comes back into my life and turns it upside down.  All the while she always has someone else that she is seeing and that is waiting on her.  She comes to me to help her anytime she needs anything at all.  Then she is gone again with her new person. It's like I am there to help her with her needs then the weekend rolls around and she goes off with her new love to have fun.  All the while making me promises that she wants to spend her life with me and that she will keep in constant contact with me.  And after this time she will leave the new person and come back to me forever.  But this never happens.  It is a weekly cycle and it is literally killing me.

I know I have to get out of this.  I just need to find the strength to let it go.  I know that the same words she is telling me, she is also telling the new person.  It's just when we are good it is so good.  I have never had anyone that passionate and intense for me.  She knows exactly what to do, what to say to keep me holding on.  When she says these things they feel so real.  But then her actions show me it can't be real.  And I constantly think about her being with the new person.  But deep down I know that the same issues have to be going on in their relationship too.  It's just newer to her so it is probably more exciting to her.

I just don't know how to break this cycle because I truly love this girl with everything I have.  But I don't think she loves me.  She doesn't know how to love me or anyone else.  She just likes this intense feeling and will do whatever it takes to feel these emotions.  I don't know how to move forward.  I feel so stuck.  Sorry for the long read.  It helps typing this out and getting it out of me.  Thank you.

Kelli

[SamwizeGamgee]

Feel free to share all you like.  I am sorry you are going through this push-and-pull with her.

If you read your own writing, you can see how the relationship is hurting you.  I hope you can arrive at what you want to do, and how.

[glaciercats]

Thanks for your reply.  I am trying to get my mind right again.  Just feeling so weak lately

[SamwizeGamgee]

It's OK.  Once your life touches someone with a malformed personality, it begins to draw effort and energy, and is full of trials.  Leave, stay, undecided, recover, worsen - it takes a toll. 

First learn to be good to yourself, get help, get support, get strong. 

And remember, you can't, and won't, solve it all at one time.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, people with BPD can be so intoxicating and alluring that we can get drawn in to their orbit, in spite of our executive function screaming at us to slow down, notice the red flags, stop, stop, stop.

We've been there and understand. They seem to touch us in ways that "normal" people don't and have an incredibly deep understanding of our very soul.

Then they can turn on a dime and be so disconnected, so selfish, so callous.

Our friends might think it's easy to disengage from them and not be caught in their drama, but for those who've been there, we know how addicting it is. In retrospect, I think the only thing that might have helped me at the time was to see even deeper into my BPD's behavior and attitude.

Because they can say and do the perfect thing to ensnare us, it's easy to dismiss other parts of their behavior. However you're quite aware of her doings. I think it helps to remind yourself of the totality of her as a person--capable of betrayal, violence, lies and self-serving behavior. She's all that.

[Notwendy]

Hi glaciercats,

I think many of us can relate to feeling lost in a relationship. While you feel you don't want to date, consider that this isn't a bad thing. If you feel lost and don't know yourself- what can you offer to someone else? If you feel a need for someone else to come into your life to be happy, then that could be a set up for a dysfunctional relationship.

"Its as if she can't let me go" might be termed " its as if I can't let her go". You feel what you feel and this is where you are right now.

Self care can be healing- in or out of a relationship. Personally, I think when we feel lost- don't even know what we might want to eat for the next meal, it is a signal that we have neglected the most important person in our lives- US!

It is time for you to date someone wonderful and that someone is YOU. Regardless of whether or not your partner is in your life, getting some balance about yourself can help in all your relationships. Consider counseling- how it is that you are attracted to people with whom there is a dysfunctional relationship?

Self care can be little things or big things. What do you like? Gourmet coffee? A walk in the park? Movies? Books? Do things for you. Activities that improve your well being are very good- exercise, eating healthy, but make it something you also enjoy. Call a friend ( we tend to isolate ourselves) and go to dinner.

When I start to feel lost or emotionally drained, it reminds me that I am doing too much for others and not enough for me. That's when I am reminded to do something special for me. It could be simple- watching a sunrise drinking coffee, a walk in the park, or fixing a nice meal. Take care of you!

[glaciercats]

Thank you all for your replies.  I think your right, I am having a hard time letting go.  I have put so much of myself into this that I feel like I can't give up.  I just feel like one day this could be different / will be different.  And for that reason I keep holding on.  I shouldn't expect her to change just as she shouldn't expect me to change.  I don't know how to make this work though. We always go back to the same issues the same problems.

I do need to focus on myself.  I need to find things that have given me joy before and do them again.  I was in a very abusive relationship before this one.  And then I have went through so much in this current relationship that I think I have forgotten what it feels like to be happy.  My views are distorted now.  I am not the same person I used to be.  Actually I feel like I may be going a little crazy myself with everything that has happened.  Maybe I am drawn to these types of relationships.  I would do anything I could to help someone and maybe I am to kind and people sense that.  It may not even be on purpose.  I would give up my happiness for someone else to be happy.  And I need to break that cycle.

Just typing out my feelings really seems to help in some way.