Accused of doing "an angry dance"

[formflier]

Today is the day that we are going to be talking about discipline and child rearing goals for the summer.  I figured there would be some odd stuff now that "I am in charge"

My wife got upset that S15 walked away from her.  I asked her to be ready to get together after we got clothes put away to come up with joint discipline solution.  There was a bit of a huff, but no real response.  She was a couple feet from me.  Impossible for her not to have heard.  So, I gave her space.

She continues to be agitated and finally corners S15 on the deck and starts blessing him out.  I've heard it a zillion times, same threats, same posture of the kid,

So, I decided to do something different.  

Took a deep breath to make sure I was calm and even in delivery.  I walked out to deck and said

"Hey FFw, can we pause this conversation for now, until after you and I talk.  I have changes  I would like to make with S15 as well."  She stared, I walked back in.  To her credit, she stopped the talk.

She came in plopped down on the couch.

Said I did wrong thing coming out there and doing "my angry dance".  To be clear, I was neutral and to the point in my delivery.

I said that we should chat about it after clothes are done.  She droned on as I walked out.

Clothes are about done.

Should be interesting talk.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I posted a link on another thread to "My Give a Damn's Busted" and that song has been playing in my head for a while.

When I hear crap like this, I tend to make a joke out of it. You could say the following: "Let me show you more of my angry dance" and pull out your best dance moves.

I'm tired of having my strings pulled by pwBPD. If they want to be ridiculous, I'll show them ridiculous! But in a humorous way.

[formflier]

Yeah, I considered that, or something ridiculous.

I did "publicly" cut her off and she complied.  I figured that was enough "poking" for now.

I would have been much more gentle about the public redirect if I had not asked her to discuss discipline a few minutes easier.

This is EXACTLY the dynamic she says she wants to change, and I want to change as well.

I'm fully expecting button pushing in the upcoming conversation.  She is already taking detours trying to avoid it.

FF

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'm staying positive that some good may come of it.  I know that for me, as I have been forced to be some much better of a person by my wife's inability to do so.  I actually improve the lives of those around me.  I am a better parent for sure.

So, out of the "angry dance" maybe something productive will happen.  ?

Hoping!

[Sunfl0wer]

How did the talk go?

[formflier]

 

Talk last night and this morning went well, until, about 30-40 minutes into the talk she seemed to become frustrated and started "minimalizing" my stuff, "you "just" don't want to do xyz anymore", being very dismissive

Being pushy about me having thoughts, emotions and positions that I don't have.

So, I requested that we "push pause" on the conversation.  She sort of doubled down with the volume and intensity of the conversation and I walked away. 

She came out of the room and reprimanded me in front of the kids for "walking out on her".

I didn't take the bait and have been going on with my plan.

FF

[SamwizeGamgee]

Ouch.  Sorry.  I had hoped this could be one of those moments that pushes our pwBPD traits to climb up a little. 

You hit a button in my psyche when you mentioned being accused of having thoughts, emotions, and positions I don't have.  I am so, so frustrated with that right now in my family.  She does, the older kids copy and repeat it.  They hear her saying how mad, or stressed I am -which I am not (until everyone tells me I'm mad and stressed out).  But then that ticks me off for some reason - being told, and hearing others being told what I feel and think.  It just frustrates the heck out of me. 

[Cat Familiar]

You hit a button in my psyche when you mentioned being accused of having thoughts, emotions, and positions I don't have... .how mad, or stressed I am -which I am not (until everyone tells me I'm mad and stressed out).  But then that ticks me off for some reason - being told, and hearing others being told what I feel and think.  It just frustrates the heck out of me.  

YES, YES, YES! I'm with you totally on this. I can be in the most easygoing mood and when this happens, I can guarantee that I will be pissed off in no time. They create a self-fulfilling prophesy with this faulty mind reading.

I've got to step away at the first sign of being told how I feel. OK, remember that, Cat.

[SamwizeGamgee]

You hit a button in my psyche when you mentioned being accused of having thoughts, emotions, and positions I don't have... .how mad, or stressed I am -which I am not (until everyone tells me I'm mad and stressed out).  But then that ticks me off for some reason - being told, and hearing others being told what I feel and think.  It just frustrates the heck out of me.  

YES, YES, YES! I'm with you totally on this. I can be in the most easygoing mood and when this happens, I can guarantee that I will be pissed off in no time. They create a self-fulfilling prophesy with this faulty mind reading.

I've got to step away at the first sign of being told how I feel. OK, remember that, Cat.

Thanks Cat, for backing me up!  I feel guilty for getting upset, because they are telling me I'm upset - and I'm not!  Somewhere in between projection and blame.  Then when I feel guilty, it makes me really question whether I'm the abuser.  Cycle, cycle cycle. 

[Cat Familiar]

On some level, they just love getting that reaction from us. It makes them feel like they're not the only ones out of control with their emotions. It's really a boundary violation and from what I read here, such a common experience for those of us who have partners with BPD. I've tried to say, "You can tell me what you feel, but you can't tell me how I feel." But that's equally manipulative, because I'm trying to control his behavior. He might briefly comply, but later, all is forgotten.

So really the only effective strategy is to walk away as soon as they label our feelings. "You're mad." Walk away. Don't engage. Not even a look. Just end it right there.

Probably it will take a lot of repetitions, because they've previously had great success getting us upset, but over time, if we're consistent, it will eliminate that behavior.

[Sunfl0wer]

My anti- advice:

 the only person right now, who knows what I'm feeling, is myself and God.  Are you saying you have special abilities now liken to God?

Don't say that!  So tempting though

[formflier]

Perhaps I'll say it, just once!   

[SamwizeGamgee]

My anti- advice:

 the only person right now, who knows what I'm feeling, is myself and God.  Are you saying you have special abilities now liken to God?

Don't say that!  So tempting though

I think I'll borrow this response!

[Sunfl0wer]

My anti- advice:

 the only person right now, who knows what I'm feeling, is myself and God.  Are you saying you have special abilities now liken to God?

Don't say that!  So tempting though

I think I'll borrow this response!

 Isn't assuming God like special powers actually labeled: delusional behavior?  To be specific, a "bizarre delusion?"  People get locked up for that sorta crap!

[SamwizeGamgee]

My anti- advice:

 the only person right now, who knows what I'm feeling, is myself and God.  Are you saying you have special abilities now liken to God?

Don't say that!  So tempting though

I think I'll borrow this response!

 Isn't assuming God like special powers actually labeled: delusional behavior?  To be specific, a "bizarre delusion?"  People get locked up for that sorta crap!

I may not add the last part when I say it