Need parenting plan clauses and examples - slightly urgent

[Hard Rock]

Hi guys,

Got bad news from the CE's report. Even though there is mental instability on ex-BPD cited over all over the report (multiple documented suicide attempts, ideation, staged or "faked" suicide", coercion, DV, etc etc.  You all know the drill.

Still got awarded 50/50 time with loose recommendations from CE on using a PC (who is supposed to intervene if ex-BPD is having a mental health crises - not even possible since he lies to his own therapist, psychiatrist and they don't even know when he's going off the rails).

The CE's report is schizophrenic at best and he is supposed to be one of the better ones in this state.     Attorney and another CE (consultant) are all shocked by the parenting time recommendation which actual INCREASES his time from the temp order after massively documented evidence that he's unstable, suicidal at the drop of a hat (i.e. if his new relationship blows up, his back hurts - yes it actually says that, if he doesn't take his meds, go to behavioral therapy and on and on)

CE also is saying it's a high conflict divorce and recc's parallel parenting, but INCREASES the number of parenting exchanges when there has now been a 2nd Protective Order in 3 years issued against him. 

None of it makes sense.

LivenLearned - I remember you sending me a list of things to add into the parenting plan - tight, tight, control and oversight.

If anyone can send ANYTHING to me like clauses and phrases that pertain to monitoring, oversight, and compliance with mental illness treatment as it pertains to a parenting plan.

Anything, any recc's would help as my sister is going into mediation next week and needs to throw the kitchen sink in there.

Thank you, guys.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Hard Rock:

You can be surprised at what you can find on the Internet by just Googling it.  Below are a couple of websites with generic Parenting Plans to check out.  Also, try to google "Parenting Plan for ______" (enter the appropriate state)

www.sharedparentingworks.org/free-parenting-plans/

https://www.rocketlawyer.com/document/parenting-plan.rl

[ForeverDad]

• While you may get 'stuck' with equal time, that doesn't mean you have to agree with it.  You have a right to express to the court and other professionals that you don't believe it will work.  That lays the groundwork for later on if/when you seek to have it modified more to your (stable parent) favor.



• Avoid the standard parenting plan templates that are vague.  No plan can cover every issue that may arise and so the standard templates can be such as "mutually agreed" exchanges locations, "reasonable" telephone contact, etc.  Reasonably normal parents need and appreciate such flexibility.  With an acting-out parent you need to lock those down or else you'll find your Ex abusing those sections and pushing the limits.



• Make sure you are clearly identified as the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  It typically means the school will look to you as the primary contact for all issues.  I recall my lawyer insisted RP didn't mean anything other than which school the children attended but I was confident it gave me a subtle boost, as a father I needed every advantage I could get.



• With the professional advocating equal time it means you're probably going to have joint legal custody.  The problem with joint is that he could obstruct you every time a major decision needs to be made, including medical, school, religion, etc.  If at all possible you want to put in place ways to prevent impasses where you have to wait months to schedule a court hearing to get it resolved.  Try to get yourself declared in the final decree as having Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  They are effectively equivalent to full custody but for the name and that you don't have to wait endlessly if Ex disagrees, so it lets the Ex still able to claim some level of joint custody.  Yes, the Ex can still object and even take it to court - and probably fail - but likely you'd get to proceed while Ex is waiting for the court to respond.



• Make sure that the final decree addresses all properties, titles, deeds, mortgages, debts, support allegations (alimony and/or child support), bank accounts, retirement accounts and credit accounts.  If there is anything the settled credits to you that is in his possession or control, make sure you don't hand over the last of your "Leverage" to him untiil he has complied with every last item he owes you.  Holding a big chunk of money in escrow  is incentive for compliance.  PwBPD may be messed up but they're not dumb, most understand the value of $$$ even if they are inclined to ignore a court order.



• Continuing the house/land deed and mortgage matter, if either or both are joint, you need to make 100% sure that these joint ties are completed ended.  If Ex gets the house, make sure you end up off BOTH the deed and the mortgage.  (Don't hand over your quit claim deed until the new mortgage is signed and in place.  If you get the house, make sure Ex signs the quit claim deed before (or at the same time) your new mortgage is signed.  Lawyers should know how to hold such documents and $$$ in escrow until the last detail is complete.



• I found that it worked when my order defined my parenting time as mine and Ex's parenting time as Ex's.  I knew my Ex would try to commandeer my time when in after-school daycare so my solution was to declare in the final decree that daycare was the equivalent to school.  I needed it because she was seldom working in those early years and had plenty of opportunities to take over my scheduled time because she was 'available'.  You will have to determine whether that approach would be to your advantage or disadvantage.  It might not work for you if you have more 'available' time than your Ex.



• Continuing the parenting time matter, understand that the courts will not force Ex (or you) to take all your scheduled time.  You don't have to tell Ex that he has to take his time.  If Ex gives up his time, log it so you have it documented.  If he does it consistently then at some future time back in court you can request a change in the parenting schedule to reflect the reality that you have documented.



• Was Ex previously an involved parent?  If not, then even if he's seeking (and may get) equal time in a parenting schedule, then he's likely to gradually revert back to prior parenting patterns, that is, being less involved.  Determine with your lawyer if anything can be included in the order to handle that.  I write this because courts are often reluctant to make changes to an order without cause.  If you have your foot in the door, so to speak, then the order can be primed to let you later step forward to officially be the primary parent in the schedule.



• Make sure the holiday schedule is edited.  Often the county will have a long list of holidays, be sure to strike out the ones that you and Ex won't be observing.  (My ex once denied me a winter week-long vacation between Christmas and New Years Day, claiming she wanted our child for Quanzaa.  While my Ex may have some black ancestry way back, she's never professed it but Quanzaa was on the list and so she used it to sabotage me then.)



• Remember, holidays trump vacations and vacations trump the regular schedule.  Make sure you are very aware of the Vacation Notice date requirements.  Is a notice to be mailed, emailed  or texted?  Also, understand that vacation notices are just that, notices and not requests.  Ex can't refuse to accept a proper vacation notice.



• At some point your Ex will try to 'trade' parenting time.  Beware.  You'll need to have requests and acceptances in writing or appropriately documented such as in email or text.  Make sure your order defines what methods are acceptable documentation.  I found that early in our orders my Ex would ask for a trade with her time first but then she'd renege on giving me my traded time.  So I had to set myself a personal boundary that any traded time I agreed to had to benefit me first so she couldn't do that to me.



• If you two need a parenting coordinator then you may be instructed to use Our Family Wizard.  OFW is a paid email site where the PC, evaluators and court can view and review the logged communication exchanges.  It helps to avoid the worst of the blaming, distortions, demands, lies, etc that are common when the Ex feels entitled to write whatever he feels like, or deny whatever he feels like, in 'private' communication with you.

[Hard Rock]

Thank you all.  This is extremely helpful.

Especially your notes, FD.

I had the same gut instinct for my sister to go after getting Primary Resident School Parent as the report is schizophrenic and contradictory but it does say that Mother is more proficient at being a parent and structuring/monitoring D-11 activities.

They gave him every other weekend and M-TH after school to 6P (which is essentially from 4P-6P).

D-11 has not had any "optional" overnights under the temp agreement, my sister pulled those back as soon as he started going off the rails and taking D-11 up to his GF's parents house to make her sleep on a couch in their basement while he hung out with his GF.  All the while pretending he's taking his "optional" overnights at his primary residence in the city where my sister and D-11 lives and where she's paying for him to have that primary residence specifically for stable and safe overnights with their children.

He also left the country with his GF - blew off 80% of parenting time last summer on emergency basis throwing everyone into chaos and stress and made kids lie to protect whatever crazy S--T he was doing at the time.

We provided comprehensive, backed up evidence on every piece of information that went into the evaluator and his mental health records scream he is unstable and lies to everyone so none has transparency into his mental health state - except apparently his GF - who it was actually noted in the report as her being the "key" to his stability and keeping him from de-stabilizing.   

What is insane about the CE's report is that his recommendation for a parenting plan MAXIMIZES the exchanges in an extremely high conflict divorce where 2 Protection Orders have been issues against ex-BPDH and also it directly goes against the wishes of D-11 who states she wants "less than equal parenting time" with her Dad, more time with her Mom, wants to maybe try ONE overnight with her Dad to see how it goes and wants her primary home to be her Mom's home.  And he gives this guy 50/50 almost immediately after he has complied with nothing for over a year, harassed, stalked, put kids in direct line of fire of his confrontations, coerced the kids, it's documented he has been disparaging my sister to the kids over and over again and sharing inappropriate adult information with them (his suicide attempts), just been on a rampage and STILL the CE awards this time.

Her attorney is deposing the CE to "clarify" his recommendations and contradictions and glaring errors in the report.

We just in shock that after all this time and money and the comprehensive documentation submitted - that he wouldn't make sure this guy is stable first before slamming D-11 into this schedule.  Her own therapist is saying he should not have this much time and it will be very bad for D-11.  Especially because he didn't even recc a very slow ramp up to this schedule.

It's just insane... but then again, I'm on this message board - so by definition these situations are hell on Earth and insane.

FD - thank you for saying she has the RIGHT to go on record saying this won't work.  The biggest piece is that this Family Law Master will need superpowers to "intervene during a mental health" crises of my the ex-BPDH.

We are getting names from our consultant - but I guarantee this person doesn't have enough psychological training in the world to stop physical hard to D-11.

Do you know what the consultant also said to us after this report came out?  That D-11 should know how to recognize when ex-BPDH is about to put a gun in his mouth and she needs to be taught to intervene and call 911. W - T - F.  That's his "safety" recommendation?

I have lost total faith.

By the way, FD - she did get

[livednlearned]

Oof. That would send me in a panic to receive a report like that, where 2 + 2 = 10.

Remember that this is a report. Do you have a good lawyer? This is the time to get in the office and make sure he or she advocates for you. I don't know how it works where you are, so hopefully the next steps involves a hearing to discuss the CE's recommendations and make adjustments. It sounds like logic is on your side so use that.

Do you mean these parenting plan items?

Communication

Times when we can communicate directly:

• Significant medical or dental issues, medications or referrals to specialists.

• Significant issues with the child’s behaviour or discipline, such as police involvement with the child or the disappearance of the child.

• New and significant school issues, such as referral to special programming, truancy or suspensions.

• Minor adjustments in plans, excepting when the adjustment becomes a point of contention between parents.

Frequency of communication:

Does the parenting plan need to specify that parents are to communicate directly only in emergency situations?

• Are parents able to communicate directly about more than the critical information outlined above without the involvement of a third party?  

• Can parents work towards scheduling a regular time for communication, such as once a month or once weekly?

• How should a parent respond if the other parent is communicating too often, such as daily or many times during a single day?



Communication methods

• How do parents plan to exchange information? In person? By phone, letter or e-mail?  

• Is e-mail the preferred method of communication, given that it allows for a written record that shows the time of the message and the identity of the sender?

• Is voice mail, text messaging, and caller ID  acceptable if agreed to by both parents?

• Do parents need to consider having communications copied to neutral parties on each side to reduce the negativity in them?

• If the use of e-mail is the established mode of preferred communication, when will a telephone call be acceptable?

• Is face-to-face discussion between parents acceptable, or can parents eliminate this possibility if they establish transfer protocols that do not permit any physical proximity between them, except perhaps in situations that involve very young children?  

• If face-to-face communication is planned, what steps can parents take to ensure the child witnesses only civil and matter-of-fact communication between parents, rather that spiteful and negative exchanges that impact the child negatively?

Time frames for responding: 24 hours? 48 hours?

Education:

• Who consents for assessment procedures? e.g. psychology, occupational therapy, physical therapy, speech therapy.

• Who contributes to developing the Individual Program Plan (IPP) and who has the authority to sign it?

• Who consents to placement in a special class, program, or school and does the short or longterm nature of the placement alter this?

• What mechanism will be used if parents disagree about the assessments and/or interventions?

• Who pays for the fees and extra transportation costs of such programming?

• Who decides if the child needs extra services such as tutoring, and who takes the child to these sessions and pays for them?

Changeovers in parenting times

• What is the exact time of day that the transfer of parenting responsibility occurs?  

• Which parent is responsible during the child’s school day on a transfer day?

• Who is to be called if the child is ill, hurt, or otherwise must leave school on a transfer day?

• Who is responsible for providing care on a professional day, early dismissal day, or day during which school is cancelled?

• Can the parent who is not the designated parent on a particular school day take the child out of school to attend appointments and who books such appointments?

• Can the parent who is not the designated parent on a particular school day take the child out for lunch or come to the school to eat lunch with the child on school property?

• Can either parent take the children out of school early or return them late from weekends or holiday periods?

• Is there a designated maximum amount of time that children can miss school for such optional activities as holiday travel?

Transfers of materials

• How are transfers of clothing and materials to be handled between homes during changeovers from one parent to the other?  

• Should the child take only school materials along if the transfer is to occur at school, and how should other belongings be transferred?

• What happens if needed possessions are forgotten in one home and must be retrieved after the child has transferred to other parent’s care?

Children with organizational difficulties  

• What special considerations may be needed to manage issues such as homework, assignments and projects, notices and materials?

• Do arrangements need to be made to allow the child to e-mail work projects to a home account to permit continued work on them and to make sure they don’t get lost or misplaced between school and either of their homes?

Communication between home and school

• Who receives and signs the report card, school newsletter and other notices?  

• Are duplicate copies of notices and newsletters available for both parents?

• Does each parent assume responsibility for making arrangements with the school to receive copies of such information or is one parent responsible for making copies of all of this information for the other? Note: the first alternative may be the better option in high-conflict

situations.

• How will school picture or book orders be managed?

• What happens when information is sent to one parent that must be followed up by the other

during their parenting time, such as snack day or pyjama day? Can these matters be solved

in early school years if each parent obtains a copy of the monthly activity calendar?

Parent-teacher interviews

• Will parents attend parent-interviews together or can they book two separate interviews, or alternate in attending parent-teacher interviews?

• Can a parent bring a new partner, neighbour, relative, or friend to the parent-teacher interviews?

[livednlearned]

When both parents are attending an activity, such as a school concert, do they need to agree ahead of time about where each will sit, who will bring and take the child home, and the nature of contact between all parties so that the child does not have to choose one parent over the other?

Provision of the court order to the school    

• What procedures will be put in place to ensure the school setting has the most recent court order? Will one parent be responsible for this task?

• Should the school be provided only with the portion of the court order that pertains to that setting rather than the whole order, given the personal and private nature of some of the information it contains?  If so, how will this be achieved?

Parental behavior and communication during exchanges

During transfers in high-conflict situations, parents should not discuss any “business” over the child’s head. Such discussion should be structured as outlined in the portion of the parenting plan that specifies how issues are to be discussed and resolved.

• Can the parents communicate at all?  

• Should comments be limited to notifying the receiving parent of issues such as illness, special school days and other activities?

• What words should be used to say good-bye and greet the child so that the child does not feel pressured or constrained? For example, if a child is so attuned to the animosity and conflict between the parents that he or she will not hug or kiss a parent in the presence of the other, a different greeting may be necessary.

• Are parents able to tell the child to have a good time when they are leaving, so that the child has permission to enjoy time with the other parent?

• Do both parents need to institute rituals that ease the child’s transition between homes, such as having a snack, reading a special story, packing a special stuffed animal, or exchanging a hug prior to saying goodbye?

• Can parents say good-bye to the child and leave promptly so that the child is less likely to become agitated?

• Can parents be courteous, cordial, and polite during the exchange to limit the child’s anxiety?

Delayed returns

• What is the scheduled return time?

• What is an acceptable reason for the delay?

• What procedures are to be used if a parent is delayed in taking the child to an exchange or picking a child up? What number should be called?

• What are the procedures if a parent arrives to pick up a child and the child is not ready or not at home?

Notification regarding medical emergencies during extracurricular activities

• What degree of injury necessitates immediate notification of the other parent? Is it a broken bone, stitches, or an ambulance trip to the hospital?

• Which contact number should be used to notify the other parent?

• If the other parent is busy or unavailable, should someone else be notified who will then attempt to contact the parent about the child’s injury? This allows the immediate parent to direct attention to obtaining appropriate medical services for the child, instead of trying to track the other parent down.

Changes to the parenting schedule

• Are parents agreeable to adjusting the regular parenting scheudle to accommodate holiday periods?  

• Have parents established a regular transfer day, such as Thursday, that already allows for easier accommodations for long weekends throughout the year and may ease the transitions into longer holiday periods?

• If parents plan to change the regular parenting schedule during these holiday blocks of time, will parameters be set that are applied on a yearly basis? Given that parents’ work and holiday schedules often differ from the child’s scheduled school holidays, it is often wise to

plan holiday schedules on a yearly basis rather than on a holiday-by-holiday basis. The latter may result in confusion and conflict.

• How do parents plan to adjust the regular parenting schedule, perhaps alternating summer holiday periods on a four-week, two-week, or one-week schedule? Some establish the holiday parenting schedules depending upon whether the year is even or odd. For example, a

child spends the winter break with the father on all evenly numbered years and with the mother on all odd years.  

• Are parents sensitive to the child’s age and needs in determining the length of holiday blocks, given that a young child may have difficulty tolerating long separations from a parent on whom he or she is highly dependent. A longer-term plan that gradually increases

holiday length can be a prudent accommodation. It is vital to consider the child’s needs, not just the parents’.

Short-notice changes and accommodations  

• Many parents have little control over their own employment schedules and cannot make plans far in advance. What happens when a parent is not informed about his or her allotted holiday periods with the child until shortly before the actual holiday period?  

• What is the minimal notice required for changing schedules to accommodate a parent’s planned vacation periods?  

• If a parent cannot take the child during their designated holiday period, is the other parent expected to change their own plans to accommodate caring for the child?  

• How will the child be informed of the cancelled holiday and the alternate arrangements?

• If a parent cannot take time off work to accommodate all of the child’s holiday periods, what happens in regards to care of the child?  

• Can the child go to day-care, a baby sitter, a new spouse, or a member of the extended family during holiday periods?  

• Can the child attend day or over night camps or must the parent be personally parenting for the entire holiday?  

International travel

Who will be responsible for preparing the documentation necessary for international travel? For example:

• Passport

• Non-traveling parent’s permission letter – federal requirement. The non-traveling parent must have this notarized. Who pays the notary fee?

• Flight and accommodation itinerary – including specific dates and flights.

• Phone numbers at accommodations.

• Non-traveling parent’s contact information .

• Specific written permission to seek emergency medical care.

• Vaccination records or other necessary medical records.

• Travel insurance.

Also consider:

• Will a passport be necessary for travel?  

• Who will apply for the passport?  

• Who will sign as the guarantor for the child’s passport?  

• Who will pay for the passport?  

• Who will hold the passport?

• Who will arrange for necessary travel vaccinations?  

• Who will pay for vaccinations?

• Who will take the child to the travel clinic?

• Who will hold the documentation pertaining to the vaccinations?

• Under what exceptional circumstances would a parent not be listed as the emergency contact?

• Although in most families parents pay for the child’s holiday expenses, such as plane tickets, are there any exceptional circumstances in which this general rule would not apply?

Communication with the non-traveling parent

• Will the children be expected to call or contact the non-traveling parent?  

• Who pays for the telephone calls?  

• Will phone cards be provided?  

• Which way does the call go, child-to-parent or parent-to-child?  

• What time are the calls to be made, given that different time zones may result in calls at odd hours?  

• Do adolescents need to call the non-traveling parent?

Travel insurance

• Who will ensure that travel insurance is obtained for the child for the holiday?  

• Should extra medical costs be incurred, how will they be paid?

Health care

Under what circumstances would the children not retain the same health care providers they saw prior to the family break-up?  

• If a child requires a new care provider, who selects the provider?

• Under what name will the child be registered with the provider?

• How will a decision about a consultation be made if parents do not agree on the need for the consult or treatment itself?

• How will a decision about a consultation be made if parents do not agree on the choice of practitioner?  

• When is a second opinion needed and who would pay for this?

Appointments and routine care

• Will one parent be responsible for setting appointments and taking the child to the appointment, or will parents divide these responsibilities by type of practitioner, parenting time block, employment schedules, the insurance plan subscriber, etc.?  

• Will the parents alternate taking the child to appointments, recognizing that this will require more communication between them?

• Will both parents have direct access to the child’s records?

• Who will retain written documentation, such as the child’s immunization record?

• How will information about the findings of the consultations or the treatment progress be shared?  

• If a medical practitioner recommends a medication regime for a child, are there any

exceptional circumstances where parents do not need to follow the treatment plan?  



Emergency care

• If emergency care is required, can the parent responsible for the child provide the other parent’s contact information to the hospital or health care provider?

• Should the parent request that the emergency setting immediately contact the other parent or is that parent willing to make this contact?

• Once notified, should the other parent attend the emergency setting or do circumstances exist that would preclude their attendance, such as a restraining order?  

• Will parents be able to be civil to ensure the child is not further traumatized by the experience?  

• If one parent does not attend, how will he or she be updated about the child’s status?

Costs for care

• Who pays the basic medical fees?

• Who pays extra costs? For example:

• extended benefit plans;

• uncovered portions of costs;

• medication, supplements, medical appliances, orthotics, special diet, corrective lenses; or

• lost orthodontic appliances and corrective lenses.

• When one parent wishes the child to undergo a specific treatment that is not covered under standard health care, will this be a legitimate extraordinary expense. In other words, will both parents be contributing to cost?

• Who bears the cost of any non-essential medical interventions and materials, such as cosmetic orthodontics or contact lenses?

General issues regarding mental health

Given that many people are sensitive and cautious about seeking input for mental health concerns, and that some people see the need for mental health input for their children as negative reflection on their parenting, specific considerations arise in regards to this type of intervention.

Parents need to be very clear about the parameters of confidentiality in relation to a child’s mental

health:

• Can information be shared with both parents and can this include information about the other parent?

• Who else might access the information and who would give consent for that access? Additionally, the role of the professional must be clearly specified. For example, a counselor cannot assume an assessment role and cannot make recommendations about custody/access. Similarly, an assessor cannot also undertake simultaneous counselling with family members. Parents must clarify such distinctions (therapist v. assessor) from the very beginning of their contact with a mental health professional.

Should the other parent be given first right of care when a parent cannot provide care personally? For example, this might include before and after school care, overnights to accommodate business or out-of-town travel? Is there a minimum time frame that should apply?

[livednlearned]

Sorry to aim a firehose of information at you.

These are good things to remind you of places for potential conflict. I believe this plan is actually from a Parenting Coordinator's training manual, so it is unusually detailed (probably because most parenting plans are not).

What is particularly useful is to think through how you can reasonably enforce these items -- some of them you can't. You don't want to create a bunch of boundaries that are as strong as the paper on which they were written. Boundaries can be like red in front of a bull, and repeated violations will diminish your authority.

Think carefully about areas where you have leverage, like how you think consequences for violations of boundaries should be handled, and only in ways that you have leverage, if that makes sense.

For example, if he is late by 2 hours, then you get the kids for 2 additional hours next time they are with you.

For unpaid expenses, if items are not settled up within 3 months of notification, then a party will file a motion and whomever is in violation will pay legal fees.

For medical/mental health issues, any school recommendations are to be treated as valid and the court's expectation is that parents will make appointments and inform the other (or something like that). If your ex was Munchausen's you wouldn't want that clause. If your ex stonewalls and obstructs, then you might want it.

Hope that helps.