lying spouse

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all.

Just wondering if anyone has experience of their spouse lying to them about them cheating? My now ex is lying even when the obvious is glaring and it seems to come so easy to her. She's lied about her friendship with him for over a yr ( said she didnt talk to him when she was), and now we've separated she's still lying about seeing him? My theory is because she would accuse me of being paranoid/untrusting and use that as a weapon if she now admits to it she cant say i was paranoid and will have to admit to lying, not just to me but to a lot of people.

Just interested in others experiences.

Thanks

[foody]

Hi all.

Just wondering if anyone has experience of their spouse lying to them about them cheating? My now ex is lying even when the obvious is glaring and it seems to come so easy to her. She's lied about her friendship with him for over a yr ( said she didnt talk to him when she was), and now we've separated she's still lying about seeing him? My theory is because she would accuse me of being paranoid/untrusting and use that as a weapon if she now admits to it she cant say i was paranoid and will have to admit to lying, not just to me but to a lot of people.

Just interested in others experiences.

Thanks

[tryingsome]

Finding out your spouse was cheating is never a good. It is heartbreaking and I feel for you.

On a side not, only 20% of people actually ever admit to cheating. Even with 'proof' it is very rare for someone to admit to this. It is kind of the worse taboo you can do in a relationship.

It is common for pwBPD to have side relationships and that is what it is sounding like here. Be strong and follow your own guide. Remember that people can't live up your expectations, but you shouldn't allow behavior that undermines your values. It is a fine line between those two.

Good luck, talk to friends, and here's to peaceful healing.

[livednlearned]

If she is BPD, it's probably a lot more primitive than that.

You really cannot underestimate the depth of shame and self-loathing someone with BPD feels. She cannot self-soothe like someone who learned to emotionally regulate, so she seeks other ways to get her needs met. These are not just garden variety needs, they are core to her sense of self. In order to get needs met, she has to keep a lot of balls in the air so that the shame does not surface and overwhelm her.

We all do this to some extent. People with BPD may do it to excess because of the intensity of their feelings and impulsivity of their actions.

The behaviors can feel very personal, and often they are so much more primitive in the sense that she is trying to survive the catastrophe of not feeling whole.

[Icanteven]

Hi all.

Just wondering if anyone has experience of their spouse lying to them about them cheating? My now ex is lying even when the obvious is glaring and it seems to come so easy to her. She's lied about her friendship with him for over a yr ( said she didnt talk to him when she was), and now we've separated she's still lying about seeing him? My theory is because she would accuse me of being paranoid/untrusting and use that as a weapon if she now admits to it she cant say i was paranoid and will have to admit to lying, not just to me but to a lot of people.

Just interested in others experiences.

Thanks

So, three things:

1)  Why do you care?  I don't mean that in any other way than, at this point, what difference does it make?  I think for a lot of us  the compulsion to know is overwhelming even though it honestly doesn't make a difference.  With one exception;

2)  Get tested.  I am personally aware of two situations where an unfaithful SO brought their partner a

gift that keeps on giving;

3)  Cool story bro:  I know of a situation where the PD spouse was seeing five - FIVE - different lovers at the same time, and not one knew about the others being involved.  And the non SO was an incredibly successful, kind, attractive person we all thought was a really great catch.  Of course, none of that mattered, because the fear of abandonment and need for attention outweighed everything else.

[back_away_slowly]

I'm in the exact same situation, multiple indiscretions over 8 years but mainly just sexting, some kissing and "fooling around" but (as far as I know) they didn't involve full-on intercourse, which is why I stayed. Our relationship is currently dissolved but I'm wondering whether to give it one more go. The problem now is me and the fact that I out and out don't trust him anymore and am driving myself crazy checking up all the time.

I've also stayed because over the years we've come to understand his drivers better and linked it to former substance abuse. I THINK he is sincerely trying to make himself better and I believe he loves me and hasn't meant to hurt me.  Trying to decide what to do.

[foody]

Cheers folks.

Havent been here for a while.

Back_away_slowley.  I forgave my ex so many things. If i ever mentioned a lie she'd go nuclear to shut me up. She'll never change. The guy she's left mw for is a serial cheat himself. I worked with his ex wife so i know what a sleaze he is. Hes 35 is and now lives at home wirh his parents. Good catch eh?

What im trying to say is the lies will never end. I confronted my ex on all her lies, backed up with evidence of her cheating. She still tried to deny it then crumpled. It knocked all the fight out of her.

Then the very next day she was back to lying again. Its in built. She knows of no other way to be. I'm glad its over. I'll never go back. I've burnt all bridges and she knows it.

I got very stressed  and paranoid leading up to this split and I'm never going back to that.

Im worth more than that and so are you.

Live your life for you; not for them. Take control of yourself, your emotions and your self respect.

You are worth more.

If yoh want to chat feel free to message me Now ive realised what she's been doungt she has no control over me and she hates it.

You take care of yourself.

[back_away_slowly]

Thanks Foody,

I'm finding the blunt honesty from some people to be very helpful. I know it's all true.

I fully expected to be replaced right away. I am privy to everything because we own a house together and are trying to sort ourselves out rather than one of us being out on the street (or moving in with parents/friends).  So, it was pretty obvious that he was planning to hook up with one of his "friends" last weekend, while apparently still just "clearing his head", sorting things through and figuring out if he could make any suggestions for reconciliation.  I had given him the option of coming to the table with suggestions for more therapy or transparency to help me trust him going forward but not to confuse things by seeing her.  I knew this would fail because of his abandonment and self-esteem issues and because he's be self-destructing (or pretending to?) by going back to drinking.  Sure enough, he went to her house.  Now he's acting all sad and sorry.  He has said he misses me (we're sleeping in separate rooms) but hasn't actually said he wants "us" back or what he'd do to get that.  I know he feels guilty but what good is that if he keeps doing it? 

[foody]

Sry about the delay in replying.

Ive already been replaced although she keeps putting out little feelers, like asking if we could go on a shopping day. I just blow her out everytime. She'll always try and keep some contact, keep testing the waters. When her new fling stsrts to run its course i know she'll try to worm her way in a little. The manipulation is all they have ultimately. It wont work because im very aware of her tactics. They havent changed in 16yrs. This is where you need to be. Yoy need to arm yourself in knowledge. Reflect on the way he manipulates you, how he turns discussions/arguments around so its always about him. How he will control a discussion to always keep it where he's comfortable. My ex would say 'stop shouting' if i wasn't being compliant. I could ne whispering! Another is the feigned anger to shut me up. Start ranting, accusing til i chamge the subject or shut up. Or the biggy if they didnt work, she'd threaten to wslk out or leave me.

Heres am exercise you can do. I did this. Get a recording app for your phone. Wjen yoh have heated discussions covertly record them. Record a few then listen to them back and pay attention to how he talk about the sybject matter. Learn his techniques. When you've done that you'll be much stronger.

[livednlearned]

pay attention to how he talk about the sybject matter. Learn his techniques. When you've done that you'll be much stronger.

A hard lesson learned from a veteran here: you have the choice to elevate the skill levels in the relationship, or reduce the skill levels to the lowest common denominator.

The lower the level of skills, the worse it gets.

The higher the level of skills, the better it gets.

Skills take time and patience and maturity and sometimes a faith that things will get better when it may not always seem evident.

[formflier]

And... .it takes being able to get over the unfairness of putting in effort efforise the skill level and have your partner resist.

It is worth it.  This morning my wife gave herself a timeout and left a conversation that she was having a hard time with.

I was pleased she did that.  Things were much better the rest of the day.

FF