I told Mom I think she's got BPD

[Finallyawake]

I know I took a chance, but I did it. I have been reading “Understanding the Borderline Mother”. At this point, she is UBPD. As I read the book, I figured out that Mom is a hermit BPD, with a little queen BPD mixed in.

I have waif tendencies only towards Mom, BUT I do feel I deserve good things, I don't split people and don't have abandonment issues. I have also been the all-good daughter in Mom's opinion. After carefully examining this, I don't think I have BPD.

I also figured out my grandfather was a combo queen/witch BPD and most likely the cause of Mom's BPD. Since he was a guy, are the correct terms King/warlock BPD?

I decided to discuss it with Mom, mainly because I wanted to confirm the recollections I had about my grandfather. Mom confirmed all of my memories and refreshed my memory regarding stories I heard about him.

Mom had not heard of BPD before. She asked if its like being dysfunctional. I said it's not exactly the same. I explained it can run in families and that I think she's got it too, developed as a coping mechanism for the abuse she endured.

Mom wasn't entirely opposed to hearing this. She didn't see the point of figuring out the name of what this is. She said the abuse was in the past. I explained that the wounds are still in the present and there are ways to heal, if she wants to hear more. She said she was messed up in the past, but not in the present so she doesn't need to know more. As a result, I won't bring this up again, even though I will continue to learn about BPD and work on myself.

WOW, SHE REALLY DOESN'T SEE HOW MESSED UP SHE IS AND HOW MESSED UP OUR RELATIONSHIP IS! She asked how I knew about BPD. I said I read it online. I didn't mention this forum or the books I've read.

Today, mom got a little angry at me and told me to stop analyzing her. She got mad at me for something stupid. I walked away and she dropped the subject! Then later today, she got triggered during something that stressed her. I was careful not to JADE her and it worked! I am seeing that the skills I am learning are working, which is so encouraging.

I am still learning. I came to the conclusion I have absolutely no ability to tell Mom how messed up our relationship is and how unhappy I am as a result. I have more work to do on myself and I need to eventually put boundaries in place. I also haven't got to the 2nd part of the book yet that explains how to deal with having a waif BPD mother.

I also realized that since I was viewed as being all good by Mom, I never really let myself fear my mother. My whole life, I acted as if she was my best friend. I did have fleeting thoughts about how much I wanted my freedom. However, I lied to myself so well, that I was generally happy on any given day.

Mom would have the occasional rage against me. Each time, I would be devastated, but then I would act like it never happened. I was able to keep up the facade my whole life - giving up all my friends, boyfriends, and driving in the process… and doing it as if it was perfectly okay.

It's only been in the past two years that something has changed in Mom. I think she's starting to view me as all-bad more frequently. She has been getting triggered a lot. This lead me to learn for the first time about BPD this month. Finally, I am awake and everything makes sense for the first time. For the first time in my life, I have decided I no longer want to live like this and am taking baby steps to change my life so I can finally have the life I want and deserve.

[Dizzy Princess]

Hello finallyawake,

I have been reading several of your threads and want to applaud your efforts thus far. It was very good that your mom was able to validate your memories of your grandfather's behavior - I feel this will help you in the long run.

I too have discovered BPD a short two months ago and SWOE and bpdfamily has been blessing in finally being able to make sense of my H's behavior and in retrospect why I would put up with it. I now also believe my Mom is NPD and this has probably been the root of all the learned coping skills.  But, Unlike your situation, my M always made me feel like a burden -never a friend. she made it very clear to me unless there was something she needed from me I was not good enough and I was an ultra good girl who felt on many occasions that I was parenting myself and her. Anyhow mom has her own version of our past so for years we had NC  - mostly due to her not wanting any part of me.  But I have never stopped wanting her approval. When I put myself in counseling I shared with her that I was depressed and she actually gave me money to pay for some of it. So for the last couple of years and especially the last 6 months she has been incredibly different = read: loving, supportive and friendly. I am changing what I can do for myself and it is having an effect on how I interact with my H and my M which affects our behaviors for the better. It has not been easy but it is possible.

Read the survivors guide to the right it really helps.

Take care, DP

[Naughty Nibbler]

I know I took a chance, but I did it. I have been reading “Understanding the Borderline Mother”. At this point, she is UBPD. As I read the book, I figured out that Mom is a hermit BPD, with a little queen BPD mixed in. .  .  .  .

I decided to discuss it with Mom, mainly because I wanted to confirm the recollections I had about my grandfather. Mom confirmed all of my memories and refreshed my memory regarding stories I heard about him.

Mom had not heard of BPD before. She asked if its like being dysfunctional. I said it's not exactly the same. I explained it can run in families and that I think she's got it too, developed as a coping mechanism for the abuse she endured.

Mom wasn't entirely opposed to hearing this. She didn't see the point of figuring out the name of what this is. She said the abuse was in the past. I explained that the wounds are still in the present and there are ways to heal, if she wants to hear more. She said she was messed up in the past, but not in the present so she doesn't need to know more. As a result, I won't bring this up again, even though I will continue to learn about BPD and work on myself.

You were brave to have that conversation.  I'm so happy it appears to have worked out okay!

WOW, SHE REALLY DOESN'T SEE HOW MESSED UP SHE IS AND HOW MESSED UP OUR RELATIONSHIP IS! She asked how I knew about BPD. I said I read it online. I didn't mention this forum or the books I've read.

You don't know what you don't know.  Her experiences seem normal to her, because that is what she was used to.  Had you not awakened, you might have stayed the way you were.

Today, mom got a little angry at me and told me to stop analyzing her. She got mad at me for something stupid. I walked away and she dropped the subject! Then later today, she got triggered during something that stressed her. I was careful not to JADE her and it worked! I am seeing that the skills I am learning are working, which is so encouraging.

I am still learning. I came to the conclusion I have absolutely no ability to tell Mom how messed up our relationship is and how unhappy I am as a result. I have more work to do on myself and I need to eventually put boundaries in place. I also haven't got to the 2nd part of the book yet that explains how to deal with having a waif BPD mother.

You got this!  Keep moving forward and don't look back!

It's only been in the past two years that something has changed in Mom. I think she's starting to view me as all-bad more frequently. She has been getting triggered a lot. This lead me to learn for the first time about BPD this month. Finally, I am awake and everything makes sense for the first time. For the first time in my life, I have decided I no longer want to live like this and am taking baby steps to change my life so I can finally have the life I want and deserve.

✌♫♪˙❤‿❤˙♫♪      You go girl!  We are all cheering you on!

[Fie]

Hello Finallyawake,

I am in awe that you deared  to have that conversation, and that  you are making so much progress, applying techniques you learned so recently.

Really amazed on how you are dealing with everything !

[anyplacesafe]

Finallyawake, you are my heroine right now. You handled it absolutely brilliantly. Well done you. 

[Fie]

See ? You have new friends, and that before your mum has them  ;-)

[Finallyawake]

Thank you! You're comments made me smile. I will continue to work on myself and I will continue to post. Us non-BPD's really have a lot to deal with. I find it great to finally have support after being alone in this situation with my mom for so long! Thanks Anyplacesafe for calling me your heroine! And thanks Fie for pointing out that I now have friends! I certainly WON'T be asking you all to post messages so my BPD mom doesn't feel lonely!  Ha ha!