Bpd weed addict and Delusional - we enable

[Lollypop]

Hi

Looking on the positives BPDs25:

1. Successfully pays a small contribution to household living costs - 13 weeks now.

2. Has started to save two weeks running for himself (big family vacation in July )

3. Environment at home is stable.

4. Better relationships across the 4 of us.

5. Regularly working casually for 3 local small tree surgeons

6. Not really agitated for a few months

Bpds25 wanted to talk On Sunday. He was very very agitated and was feeling very emotional about an incident that had happened in the pub Saturday night. I listened, validated and was pleased it was witnessed by GF. He spouted about every grievance he had in the past, Yaddy yaddy. He started to get angry. When Bpds started to viciously accuse the doctor surgery of them waiting for him to have a psychotic episode I gently reminded him of his failed 6 appointments and that all he had to do was call to get the ball rolling. It was an excellent opportunity for the GF to see the support and get a little understanding of what's actually going on. I pointed out that he was focussing a lot on the past, worrying about the future when, in fact, he only has today. He calmed down.

Bpds came home from work yesterday very agitated about a phone call he'd had that day regarding his phone contract. Bpds recalled the conversation very proud of himself "I'm a drug addict, you're not getting a penny from me". Yaddy Yaddy yah.  However, Bpds did successfully negotiate (amazingly), they increased his plan and zero'd the recent charges.  After dinner Bpds unusually wanted to talk, rather than go out immediately (normal behaviour). I listened intently for a couple of hours. He's very delusional, here's some statements:

"I'm special, everybody says so. They've never met anybody like me"

"I'm going to do something really big in my life, I'm talking global"

"I can feel other's pain"

"Im either really bad or really good (I talk to tramps, I've made them cry with joy), I'm a chameleon"

"I've lived previous lives"

"I'm very spiritual, I don't believe any of us have a choice, everything is ordained"

"I will never have a mortgage. I see others build businesses locally and it takes them 30 years. I'm paying for my house in cash"

We talked about his financial management and he said "I'm getting better, I'm so much better when I buy my weed in bulk. I find I'm ok in the week but when it comes to the weekend I go a bit crazy". "My biggest problem is that I'm not determined."

I asked him if he knew how much he was spending and he said "I've no idea but I hardly spend any money on anything else, so it's a lot. You know mum, you asked me if I needed to smoke a joint every night, you've absolutely no idea about me. I can smoke 8 easy in a night. It's got to the point I don't even feel stoned any more, I just can't tell when I'm stoned. It's been like this since I got back from the USA. I did codeine hard when I first got back but I managed to kick it again. I don't know how much I'm spending or how much I'm smoking. I see a pattern with my dopamine and serotonin levels, they dip every two weeks. I know what I want to do, I know what I should do (I think he's referring to cutting down not give up). I really want to save up for my climbing course but I'm just not motivated".

I pointed out that smoking so much weed directly affects his dopamine levels and motivation, he disagreed at first then reluctantly agreed. I shared with him how it took 7 weeks of a repeated pattern of behaviour for paying rent before it stuck. I suggested that maybe if he could get a handle on his current situation and carry on saving each week it'd happen again.

He said "I feel a change within myself. I don't know what is happening".

He spouted more about his views on corporate greed, views on Buddhism and racist monks. He shared his feeling that this current GF is "the one", "i feel comfortable for the first time, she's unlike any of my other girlfriends, I know she'll never feel the way I do about her but I think she really likes me too".

At the end of the conversation he said "I know exactly what I should do. That's to get treatment, change all of my friends, change my life". He left the room. I said nothing.

Reality is, he's not stable.  He's a drug addict who is, for the first time ever, seeing how easy it would be to save up for his course (2.5 weeks work). He says he wants to get a car. He says he wants a life. He says he wants to go travelling next year.

I feel we're all just clinging on in this false sense of stability.

I really resent giving him lifts to and from work when he's spending may be £800 pm on weed (maybe even more). We ARE enablers but there's a tiny bit of me that still lives in hope. He's at least sharing his concerns about his problems. But they make me reel and shake my head.

I'm crying at the whole xxxxing bizarreness of our situation. Consequences of him returning home. H CANT SEE ANY WAY BPDS CAN EVER LIVE INDEPENDENTLY.

I'm having a bad day. I didn't get much sleep.

I've made an appt with the solicitor as Bpds is currently the executor, we need to change this to protect younger son.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

In a nutshell, we're changing and the result is better communication and improved relationships. Our Bpds has responded positively but he doesn't address his issues (drug use and to seek treatment).  So although he maybe more aware of his problems he's still in the same place he ever was. Until he takes (or is given) full responsibility for himself this is how it'll be.

I think I need to work harder on detachment?

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollypop

Sorry I have been absent, horribly busy time at work. Sending you a big warm hug!  I’m sorry to hear you had a bad day and little sleep and hope things have improved for you. You’re doing a great LP, you have a lot on your plate – are you spending enough time looking after yourself?  That was a lot for you to take in, it’s no surprise you were overwhelmed and cried, £800 per month on weed, the medication of his choice,    I hear your frustration LP, will he ever take on responsibility   How do you think he'd respond to the next condition for staying in the home is he seek treatment? I too feel I’m living a false sense of stability – reality is our BPDs are unstable and we hope for the day they are no longer diagnosed with BPD. It happens!  Optimistic as ever.   

My daughter has had a tough time recently with depression and fighting off negative thoughts and impulses. Half of her wants to be well – other half is fighting to give up. She is due to have her meds reassessed. We have had some useful conversations recently where she shares everything bit like your son has – like you I see how unstable my daughter is – the good thing is at the end of the conversation she feels relief and calm.   Every day is a struggle for her, she is a fighter and is taking on her responsibility, though needs reminding we are here for her and its ok to talk openly and honestly about how she is feeling and her struggles.  She is not alone.  DBT group session has recently commenced.

I wonder what your son is saying by ‘I feel a change within myself. I don't know what is happening’.

Independence? Is also always on my mind, ultimately my daughter will be independent as one day I won’t be here.  While she is working on her recovery, she is welcome in my home. If she gave up on her recovery, my heart would break.

How are you feeling today LP?

WDx

[Rockieplace]

Hi LP,  Just like to add my hugs to Wendy's.  It must have been very disappointing to you to hear your s speak so.  It is so hard for us to hear this sort of deluded, pie in the sky type thinking especially when you were beginning to hope that there was real progress being made.  Was your son high at the time?  If so it might have just been the drugs talking.  How did the girlfriend react to this conversation?  Does she have an opinion or any influence?  Sometimes we are the last ones our offspring listen to.

Despite this 'setback' you really have made a lot of progress in stabilizing both your son and the home environment and that can't be dismissed by one conversation, however random.  You have encouraged me so many times and as you so rightly say, there is hope.  Maybe Wendy is right to suggest that your next step might be to set some limits to the time your s can stay without seeking treatment.  If he can afford so much money on weed then it is truly unrealistic for him to think he can continue to live so cheaply with you.  Bon courage mon ami!  (I'm in France at the moment - we have been regrouping over here ready for the next round in this horrible fight).     

[Lollypop]

Thank you both

I was feeling a bit ashamed about my situation but I can't tell you what a relief it is to be able to just write it down here. Not to be judged but nudged!

BPD woke up yesterday at 2:30pm and was in a foul mood. My H had to switch the electric off and so the shower and cooker weren't working. H found it amusing and I'm glad to see him in a much lighter mood. It's so important to keep a sense of humour if you can when faced with challenging behaviour. Anyway, it got sorted then it happened again! BPD said "mum, please don't get angry with me for asking but is this going to be happening for a while? I really really need a shower and I'm so hungry". Quick as a flash and with my kindest most patient voice "oh sweetheart, the electricity has just tripped out again. Go to the box and you'll see yourself. A switch will be different than the others. You'll know how to fix this again if it happens".  Electric miraculously came on and I heard BPD sigh with relief.  I also heard H chuckling in the loft of the garage "I'm so tempted and I can do it whenever I want!"

I woke up this morning and decided that we should speak to BPDs. This is what I think should be said BUT there's three things and I think I should talk about them separately as he struggles to compute.

"Son we'd need to speak to you about a couple of problems we've got.

First of all, it's about your lost house key.  :)id you remember yesterday to get a new key cut?  We noticed last night when we got home that youre still using the back door keys and we're worried as this set has important keys on it. We get anxious that they may get lost. Can you get yourself a key cut please or look for your set in your bedroom as you seem convinced that's where it is?"

"we wanted to talk to you about your weed use. Neither of us understood just how heavy you've been smoking. We think that you're smoking and spending much more than you want to. We want you to know that we love you and we all find this difficult. For instance, We know you need to have lifts for work and we don't want to say NO as you need the money to save up for a vehicle. You've said you were going to start saving but haven't yet and this makes us feel resentful inside. We want you to spend less money and save up so you can get some wheels of your own.

Lastly, we wanted to talk about the practical arrangements when we go away on our family holiday. You'll be sharing a room with your brother and We wanted to talk to you openly about how this is going to work. We want a family holiday and you disappearing until the early hours and coming back stoned isn't fair to any of us. This is a problem, particularly as you've been smoking heavily for a long period. We so much want us all to have a stress free time and we're wondering how this can happen".

WD: ingrained behaviours are just so difficult to change aren't they. We really dont like that uncomfortable feeling when pushed out of our zone. Fear of ? Failing, losing. That little voice in our head "you can't do this, you don't want to do this". Your daughter battles through valiantly, she may wobble but she's in and on the right road now. I try to live without BPD being so present and part of my life but I'm failing a bit at the moment. I find it useful to look at how far I've come, me, just me, not BPDs.

RP: i wish I was in France! I really hope you get some relief of being away (if only physically) from the current situation. Breathe, soak up the air and enjoy the food together - it makes me feel better just thinking about it! Roll on Monday so your daughter starts her own long journey towards stability and a better life. I don't think she can have a say now she's been sectioned; they've got it covered RP and I hope you can rest easy.

Thanks for your kindness.

I'm thinking about a deadline to seek treatment.

L

[wendydarling]

Hi LP

Tripping switches - ha, you brought back a memory receiving a phone call at work from young daughter who was plunged into darkness at home.  I have added a new mantra to keep at the forefront of my mind 'help her help herself/himself' the 4H's - kindly c/o of lbj on another thread. You are so right LP its all too easy to measure success of our BPDs less our own progress and achievements. Have you finished college, is that why BPD is so present in your life at the moment?  If so I'm presently at the opposite to you - I'm fed up with the demands of my work. I honestly feel like I have almost abandoned her over the last couple of months, now what does that tell me! The good news is I have been promoted AND I can delegate some of the workload, I'm so relieved. I have 23 days holiday to take before the end of September, nearly 5 weeks. Bliss. Only two more weeks of silly schedule and then I'm taking my foot firmly off the pedal. Rant over, everyone 

You've prepared well LP, I hope the conversation with son goes well. Let us know how it goes. You too RP, may tomorrow deliver for you and your daughter 

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi WD & RP

Conversation went well. Replacement key done and savings account opened with the comment "mum have a little faith, I'm gonna surprise you".  I can see this task will be no different that any other - overly ambitious and unrealistic on his part. BUT it's a start!

Im coming to a change in my life as my 2 year course ends. It's a sad but sweet time as our very lovely and cohesive group splits off as they go on to other things. It's been wonderful and life changing for all of us in many different ways. I'm all signed up for my degree and I've a log cabin arriving in 3 weeks so I have some personal space to work if I need to. I'm very excited but nervous.

I'm very conscious of my BPDs. I accept his progress in life skills will be slow. As he has been stuck for so very long I get nervous if I feel he's at risk of slipping back. Basically, we can manage this situation and support him IF he continues to grow and help himself. trying to go at a pace that's realistic but also acceptable to us. He's comfortable, too comfortable and needs to be nudged along gently.

WD: promotion! Congratulations to you! I think the more they see us getting on with our own lives the better. Your daughter knows you're there for her if she needs you. The connecting rope is just loosened a bit and it's flexible! So a break from the work routine is tantalisingly close and I hope you manage to do all you hope to do, much rest, relaxation and fun is needed.

RP: you've been in my thoughts and I sincerely hope things went as planned on Monday. Let us know how you are when you can


L

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollypop

I'm very conscious of my BPDs. I accept his progress in life skills will be slow. As he has been stuck for so very long I get nervous if I feel he's at risk of slipping back. Basically, we can manage this situation and support him IF he continues to grow and help himself. trying to go at a pace that's realistic but also acceptable to us. He's comfortable, too comfortable and needs to be nudged along gently.

How succinctly expressed LP! That is exactly how I feel about my daughter, acceptance, nervous of slipping back (those wobble moments), helping them help themselves ... .

Glad to hear the conversation went well, you raised some very difficult issues for you, now they are raised you can continue working on them with your son as you have in the past, as you say its a START Small steps   

Oh my LP, your own log cabin, what paradise and tremendous fun too.  Embarrassed to say I have cabin envy!

Daughter has arrived home and silently retired to her room, I think I have my work cut out for me today ... .

Here goes... .

Have a lovely weekend.

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

thanks for the encouragement. I do wonder if this softly approach is the right one but nothing good will happen at all if we aren't stable.

My BPD very agitated all week and shouting today as he's so very angry over the referendum result.

Take care of yourself and have a good weekend yourself with your daughter

L