Idk anymore

[Xstang77]

So I've been struggling with my latest break up from my BPD ex,some might have seen my previous posts here,with 5 recycles in 2 years I guess it's something I'm getting used to now but idk this time seems different I really feel friend zoned but how do you really know I've felt this way all the other times too,I'm at the point where I'm just exhausted from telling my whole story anymore and my mind has fully accepted no good can come from her but somethings still there idk,yet all I still

Do the past 3 weeks is come home and play Xbox in the apartment we shared by myself and excessively smoke cigarettes and read about BPD. I know the answers to work on myself etc, and this past time even made me realize why I keep going back to this abusive relationship I just don't know anymore kind of tired of the whole thing but still feel hope here and there that maybe we'll

Hang out here and there more often even though I know that's toxic then other times I just want to find a new girl

And move on idk just venting here I guess.

[seenr]

I think what you are feeling is like most of us here and what others have asked me is that if she comes back will it lead to a healthy and safe sustainable relationship?

For me - doubtful unless we got professional help and so far she has refused to do that.

Vent away - I vent and others listen and help. It is a great community here.

[KarmasReal]

Hey man you sound like me. I have been doing nothing but excessively smoke cigarettes when I'm home alone since even before my exBPD break up. It really feels more like a habit of something to do to take my mind off things than a true addiction. And many nights I just read posts and replies on here or other BPD info. Another coping mechanism so the disorder my ex had makes what she did to me understandable in my mind I guess. At the end of the day I still can't grasp it though. I wish I could be heard by her about my feelings I wish that she could see what she did to me. But she won't, I feel like dropping my feelings on her would make me look weak in her eyes. She probably thinks I'm fine and getting on to other things like she probably is but I'm not and she will never know. So what am I to do? I can't express these terrible emotions to her and she's the only one I need to tell. I always hear get over it and move on but it seems until I let her understand everything between us I won't be able to, but at the same time writing her after two and a half months of a break up looks pathetic so what's a guy to do. Sorry I vented a little to, I think we all need to every now and then.

[Xstang77]

Hey man you sound like me. I have been doing nothing but excessively smoke cigarettes when I'm home alone since even before my exBPD break up. It really feels more like a habit of something to do to take my mind off things than a true addiction. And many nights I just read posts and replies on here or other BPD info. Another coping mechanism so the disorder my ex had makes what she did to me understandable in my mind I guess. At the end of the day I still can't grasp it though. I wish I could be heard by her about my feelings I wish that she could see what she did to me. But she won't, I feel like dropping my feelings on her would make me look weak in her eyes. She probably thinks I'm fine and getting on to other things like she probably is but I'm not and she will never know. So what am I to do? I can't express these terrible emotions to her and she's the only one I need to tell. I always hear get over it and move on but it seems until I let her understand everything between us I won't be able to, but at the same time writing her after two and a half months of a break up looks pathetic so what's a guy to do. Sorry I vented a little to, I think we all need to every now and then.

i hear ya,The thing is she'll switch occasionally and come hang out and we'll be intimate etc out of nowhere and I'll get the 3am texts from her about her wanting to come home etc, she did that this past weekend after we had a great time together and told me that she's gonna get better and wants us to get back together eventually,then the next day I see she made a new profile on a dating site and she messages me real short things,then I didn't hear from her for 4 days and she messages me yesterday that she got a job and I replied acting happy for her,I then ask her what she wants to do about the last of her stuff here and I saw she read it but no reply... .idk what that means if she's just playing head games or if she doesn't want me to get rid of it because she still

Plans on coming home,it's just so depressing,when I'm with her I smoke half a pack when she leaves like this I'm over a pack a day and I lose weight and even trying to do things to keep busy does nothing.

[GoingBack2OC]

Hey Bud,

I know exactly where you're at, myself being there (well actually discarded for the time being)-- nonetheless a long ongoing saga which feels like a broken record playing a song you just can't stand.

So you've been put in the friend zone. Been there. In fact, that was one of the first "steps" towards discard, recycle, come back, rinse repeat.

My personal story, 5 years with a girl, 1 year of which was amazing, 1 of which was difficult, and 3 which have been devastating.

I'm sure you've been lied to. I'm sure you've been made "last priority", "forgotten about", and "made to feel soo small".

I think it's just something people with these disorders do, intentionally or not.

I can only say this... .and I hope you hear it.

It only progresses. It only becomes amplified. It will only get worse.

If the person you are with is not first aware of their problem, and second, in treatment, (both personally and likely couple therapy because you would need it), here has been my experience:

The discards, each one is worse.

The silent treatment periods, they only become either longer; or they become more easilly triggered.

The "made to feel totally unimportant", sorry to say, but I think that is the boat we are in.

My gf, ex, whatever she is, she's nothing really, I hardly see her now, and all we do is argue; she picks fights. She lies compulsively, or pathologically, I can't tell which.

The honest truth is it feels like a game. She will block me from her iPhone. Ignore all of my calls. Treat me like dirt. Stand me up. Then, I text either hours, or a day later... .":)elivered".

The iPhone is easy like that, you can tell. If an iMessage is sent and it says nothing, you're blocked, or their phone is off, in which case after 2-3 minutes it changes to green and sends as an SMS Text.

She will block me, for a day, then unblock me, but not contact me. As if she just wants, or needs, to know that I still pine for her. And if I do text, and it does go through, the silence will continue.

My shrink one time said "how long's it been?".

Four days I think... .

Are you going to call her?

Nah, I give it another 1-2 days... .she'll call.

-- On the way home the phone rings.

If I am trying to contact her, not possible. The best and easiest way, and least painful way to get in touch, is not get in touch.

I honestly feel this sums up how dating a pwBPD specifically with NPD traits:

"If you want to be a part of my life, you need to stay out of my life".

Me personally, I'm just tired, done. I go through spells where I cry and I feel sad about the years wasted, the happy memories that seem ruined now, the places we traveled, all gone. That I felt we were building towards something and all the while she was moving in her own direction-- giving me hints all the while which I foolishly ignored.

I've had 2 other major relationships. This one, my longest (5 years), makes me miss my other two ex's so much. Even though I broke those off. For valid reasons, we changed, we were growing up, people change... .

But the first two, we were best friends. We loved each other. We did most things together-- we were "a couple".

So that might just be the test: Are you a couple?  Or does she want to go off and do her own thing, ignore you, and you're a last resort. Attention when she has no place else to get it.

Because there are people out there who are like many of us here... .they want true companionship, love, compassion, understanding, to be made to feel important, to be important, mutually. There are so many people like that out there.

The last thing you said; really hit home. For the past 2 years I feel I've just been dying to meet the girl of my dreams-- while in this relationship.

I've never felt that way with another girlfriend. I've never cheated. Its not my way. But the last two years... .I just have so wanted someone to rescue me.

In closing, the truth is, before we can really give our heart to someone else, we need to give it time to breath and heal. To find itself again, because it has gone astray. It is not beating because it's full of passion and excitement and joy to be alive. Don't live a life where your life beats only out of habit. Only because that's all it can do.

Its hard to break free. But I'm on the path to just that. Things she doesnt know (I'm moving very very soon), and I think it's just what I need. Some time. Some space. And once that exists. Someone new will enter.

It's just a matter of time.

[GoingBack2OC]

Just to add... .you identified it yourself, in your own words: an abusive relationship.

You already know what you need to do.

[Xstang77]

Our past recycles have been mixed,the first time after she left and broke off our engagement it was around 3 weeks then the next time a month the last April 1 week and now it's been 3 weeks so far,it's just so confusing when she has these intimate moments towards me I know there real but then she changes and she's aware of it,I just don't know how to take the no response to me asking her about the rest of her stuff maybe it's because she's still planning on coming back or maybe there games idk I also know that fwb is a losing game for me and my heart as well.

[Xstang77]

Well after not hearing anything from her since Tuesday and seeing her make a new dating site account the day after we shared a great weekend together I see that she's going out to the bar and I'm sure A lot of you know what that means,sure enough I get a drunk call at 1am,she comes over we sleep together and are very intimate and talk about staying the night etc, right after we have sex she's getting her shoes on and I ask why and she says oh I never said I was spending the night,then leaves and apologizes a little later then no word today,she told me while she was here that she does love me more then anything but she can't come back because she can't hurt me anymore and she wasn't spending the night or anymore time here last night because it'll cause me more pain.

[heartandwhole]

then no word today,she told me while she was here that she does love me more then anything but she can't come back because she can't hurt me anymore and she wasn't spending the night or anymore time here last night because it'll cause me more pain.

Do you believe her, Xstang77? She may want to adhere to that decision, but if you continue to be available when she calls, I don't think her "visits" will stop. Someone has to choose to stop the cycle, and I'm afraid it's going to have to be you.

How do you feel about this, Xstang77? Can you handle occasional intimate visits going forward? Are they helping you get stronger and feel better?

I know how hard it can be to stop the cycles. I'm just worried about your self-esteem taking hit after hit as you allow them to go on.  

heartandwhole

[seenr]

In my youth I did this with 2 non-BPD girlfriends.

Even though they were non-BPD, it was not a good idea as I didn't meet anyone long term & lasting (which was was I was looking for) out of them. I imagine it is even more complicated with someone who has suspected BPD.

[Xstang77]

Yea I've done this before with a different non ex and it just kinda put the final nail in the coffin if you will. I think the only reason I continue the visits is a faint hope that one of these times she'll split

Back to her more stable self and work on reconciling things again,idk why I keep

Catching her in lies and I know it's not ever gonna work,I just miss the company and good times with her. Something I struggled with was wonder as if this is

Just her BPD and the girl

Who loves me means it,but as I was told as much as it hurts to say she is her condition,I really am losing hope that she's a good person.

[GoingBack2OC]

Xstang77,

It's tough, especially if you're like me and tend to romanticize about the good times you had. I think in so many ways I personally was fully in love with the idea of my exBPDgf, the good her, the first year her, the nice her-- and that's what kept me in it for so long.

But the truth is just like you, I was lied to.

And in a love/romantic lifetime type partner relationship... .the first lie is the beginning of the end. My ex lied so often, that it got to the point I didn't believe a word she told me, ever.

I also think that's what burned her out. Because I knew she was lying, so I'd ask questions, which I think is mentally taxing. Making things up. Keeping track of the lies. It's hard work to do that all the time. To create fiction during every conversation. I can't imagine it.

But hooking up with her, ties in to intermittent reinforcement. Read up on it. Lab rats given doses of cocaine when pushing a button, but only every random 10-20th time (each other time they are shocked), will continue to push the button, take the pain, be tortured, in hope that eventually pleasure will come.

Sum your ex up. Then ask is she a good person. You should know the answer.

My ex:  Lied, called me horrible names, silent treatment, ghosting, gaslighting, likely cheated, bad-mouthed me, - good person?  No. I think she had good qualities at times, but overall. No.

[Xstang77]

This is the conclusion in reaching that she's not really a good person,I guess I just want to spend another summer with her even if we're not together,but come to think about it she hasnt told me she missed me in over a week now. Guess I'm still hopeful I can be more then just a weekend last resort to her.

[Xstang77]

Haven't heard anything from her since Saturday night,her fb is kinda eerily quiet,I'm really getting at a crossroad could it really be the end?shouid I throw away her things that she's left behind? I know she's deleted my number out of her phone, looking for advice as to what would draw her back?