To roam or to belong, that is the question

[busybee1116]

I see my life in 2 phases--before and after my parents moved out of my childhood home. I still think of that place, that house as my home, where I belonged, where I was safe. It waste physical structure, the furniture and yard, the familiarity of knowing every nook and cranny, which step creaked and where the cracks and stains were. When the house was sold against few years later, my bro found pictures online along with the listing. The house had been completely redone. The footprint and view are the same. It made me happy--the house still exists and someone loved her enough to fix her up even better than before. I almost felt BETTER thinking my house as I remembered was just for me, it seemed weird to think of other people living in the place I knew so well. Unsurprisingly, my uBPDm was horrified by the changes. She thought the upgrades and changes were awful. Pretty funny to me, really. The house was tacky in some ways (outdated colors, wallpaper) and while clean, cluttered with shelves and shelves of books, knick-knacks and STUFF. Looking at pictures towards the end of their time in the house, it was claustrophobic. I became unmoored when they moved out of that house. It's also when I discovered the secrets, lies and chaos--that my mom probably had BPD. My dad stopped trying (no longer could? Gave up?) to shield us from her nonsense. I spent a few years wandering emotionally, trying to figure out what happened? It felt like my whole childhood was a lie, that I didn't know who I am, what I like, what I need... .it took me awhile to find my new home. I have it now--good friends, yoga, better boundaries, a great relationship with my husband

[bethanny]

Kwamina,

Thanks so for replying.

I haven't had a nightmare like that that I could remember in a very very long time.  The frightening "entity" in the dream was not my mother (who has long ago passed on) but it may symbolize her witch dimension or my own inner berating witch voice attached to my wounded ego. In the dream the woman image turned into a rat and I attempted to chase it and stomp it but while trying I knew it was futile -- too quick and diabolical. 

In the dream I knew that the witch in some form was still functional and would reappear to me.  When I woke up I was shuddering. The witch was exploding with irrational malice at me. "Annihilating anger" that wonderful author of Understanding the Borderline Mother calls it.

I think for so many years fear was the motivator for my behavior that I often remain on that channel out of habit and sustained conditioning (complex-PTSD -- hypervigilance, survivor guilt, etc.) and when a specific reason for that fear is not in the equation I tend to procrastinate things to ramp up reasons for fear that make my life more difficult but finally move me forward. It seems masochistic but I do it anyway. Crisis management. I move last minute in fear mode or I am sluggish and kind of offline in terms of momentum.

I love the slogan easy does it but do it. I need to live it.

Again, I seem to have even worse free-floating anxiety when there is not a Damocles sword over my head.  When there is I can blame that for my chronic depression or anxiety.

I was trying to meditate more often and do yoga stretches.  I think I will push harder to take those 15 minutes in a.m. to do meditation and 15 minutes to do stretches.  I know the physical is a good rallier for the spirit.

I have procrastinated coming back here, and now that I have it feels so easy and lovely and supportive.  Appreciate you and the contributors here. I wish I had more time to read through this powerful thread but can't just now. 

I also hope the post goes through.  Thanks, my friend!

Best,

Bethanny

[Kwamina]

Hi HoneyB33 and busybee1116

It is indeed great to be here with people that actually understand your experiences. I am sorry though that you too felt like you didn't really have a home to go to. Looking back, what would you say led you to feel like you never really had a home? Do you remember what was going on in your life when you wrote 'belong' in your tool box?

Now I'm in this amazing relationship, building a new life, and I am terrified to even hope!

If you've had many negative experiences in your life, I think it is normal that the good times as wonderful as they are, can also make you a bit anxious. I hope that these good times are going to last for you!

I see my life in 2 phases--before and after my parents moved out of my childhood home. I still think of that place, that house as my home, where I belonged, where I was safe.

How old were you when your parents moved out of your childhood home busybee1116?

I lived in the same house during my entire childhood. I still feel a very strong connection to that house, it felt very strange knowing other people were now living there. My FOO unfortunately caused me a lot of emotional pain while living there, but I loved the house.

... .it took me awhile to find my new home. I have it now--good friends, yoga, better boundaries, a great relationship with my husband

I am glad you were able to find a new home. What would you say was the turning point for you?

[Kwamina]

Thanks so for replying.

... .

I also hope the post goes through.  Thanks, my friend!

You're welcome

I was trying to meditate more often and do yoga stretches.  I think I will push harder to take those 15 minutes in a.m. to do meditation and 15 minutes to do stretches.  I know the physical is a good rallier for the spirit.

This sounds like a very good plan to me I have found meditation and also physical exercise very helpful, especially when struggling with depressive thoughts and/or anxiety. Unfortunately when I find myself dealing with those negative thoughts and feelings, it can become easy to forget just how helpful things such as meditation can be.

I have procrastinated coming back here, and now that I have it feels so easy and lovely and supportive.  Appreciate you and the contributors here. I wish I had more time to read through this powerful thread but can't just now.

Just take your time, the thread will still be here It's great to also have your contributions on this board, you have been through a lot and the other members can benefit from your experience and insights.

Take care