Courts appear to be reluctant to have a parent feel they 'lost' and so joint custody is typical. That said, if you can't get custody then try to gain the
Tie Breaker or
Decision Making rights you mentioned. It may not stop her from making allegations or taking you back to court but over time the matter of her
credibility ought to rise to the surface as well as whether she's fighting for the sake of fighting rather than for your children's welfare.
My joint custody attempt in the final decree settlement failed and so I went back to court. Strangely, there was one item that the court remarked on, that she was "
not credible" in one part of her testimony where she explained that she sabotaged my mid-winter vacation by claiming for the first time to want son with her for her holiday time during Kwanzaa. It was on a long list of holidays which we had failed to strike out the ones not observed. To the court she explained that though she wasn't of Jewish descent, she could still observe it. My lawyer jumped on it, asking her to describe this "Jewish Kwanzaa" and her lawyer couldn't object, well, not until my lawyer asked her for the third time. Literally, there were times I saw the magistrate drop his head onto his crossed arms! The decision did get me full custody but was remarkably circumspect, it wasn't until a few years later when I got a better order that the last magistrate came right out and repeatedly called her out on her 'disparagement of father'.
That so many others have become ensnared in this case is astounding, hopefully the court will remove the innocents from the case. Also, could she be more than just BPD? What do the psych evals or custody evals say, if anything, about the diagnostic aspects?
Could she be Histrionic as well - HPD - all about the drama and being the center of attention?Expect the court to be very cautious in a decision, this is likely to be appealed and no judge wants a decision overturned or sent back for reconsideration. This sounds like a case that will get published in legal circles.
Have any of your lawyers or judges attended William A. Eddy's seminars (or recorded videos) or read his books on the impacts of PDs in family courts? While his seminars are directed at the professionals in and around family court, they're also enlightening for us parents. (The advantage is that he's well respected as a mediator, lawyer, social worker, author, lecturer to professionals and not just some mass-market soothsayer.) His book entitled
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder is one of the best books available for both professionals and parents.
www.HighConflictInstitute.comI am also concerned about the impact on the children. Experts and courts often pooh-poohed Dr. Gardiner's approach to parental alienation decades ago. A newer and more respected approach has been made by Dr Childress, that PA attempts and PAS are forms of child abuse and that approach has better reception in the mental health circles. Read his blog which describes it extensively. Perhaps your lawyers ought to emphasize the negative impact on the children, the risk is that the court will blame you both so be careful to framing/focusing your position on what's best for the children and not so much on focusing on the inter-parent squabbling.
Many here have encouraged that we focus our attention on Solutions and not bickering and complaints. Hopefully the court will see you as the reasonably normal and stable parent with practical solutions and not as part of the problem.
