What am I Doing?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey all, can't believe I'm posting in this group! Been on the detaching group ever since joining yet here I am!

So my, sort of, ex has all the traits yet is undiagnosed as BPD/npd. I have encountered pretty much every BPD/npd cliche there is and I'm pretty sure my most recent face to face contact with her she let me see behind her mask. I found out last weekend she had indeed cheated on me, as I had thought, and found she had gaslighted me over the whole thing and not only that she had been in contact with ex boyfriends whilst still with me. I can't help feel she has triangulated me the whole time with an ex who lives miles away from our city yet here I am in this group.

People What the heck am I doing?

The above is only a brief guide to what has happened over the past few months so rather than bore you with the back story i just want to throw it out there that I have somehow allowed my sorry arse to get drawn back in, days after she brought my world to a shattering heartbreak once again by telling me about her cheating on me and these other ex's.

I met her yesterday for lunch, four days after what I believed to be the final discard and has asked if we can be together and try going from the top again. No full on relationship like the one we have had in the past but one where we get to see one another but have the space to recoil and do other things without the pressure of having to rely, consult and check in with the other. She wants us to enjoy the good parts of us, and there are many in amongst the madness.

It's not sitting right with me even though I have agreed to this. If my friends knew about this they would go mad at me. After everything she has put me through I said yes to this and in truth without hesitation however I'm really not sure this is the right thing to do. I love her with all my being but am I being deluded in thinking this can honestly work out?

It's like we are going to try as if we had just met. An an attempt at taking it from the top and seeing if we can recapture the honeymoon faze. She claims she loves me, wants and needs me in her life but she's lied so many times. All the while I know this here I am being sucked back in.

Why am I doing this if I know and have experienced this going wrong every time?


  

[DazedD40]

Hey all, can't believe I'm posting in this group! Been on the detaching group ever since joining yet here I am!

So my, sort of, ex has all the traits yet is undiagnosed as BPD/npd. I have encountered pretty much every BPD/npd cliche there is and I'm pretty sure my most recent face to face contact with her she let me see behind her mask. I found out last weekend she had indeed cheated on me, as I had thought, and found she had gaslighted me over the whole thing and not only that she had been in contact with ex boyfriends whilst still with me. I can't help feel she has triangulated me the whole time with an ex who lives miles away from our city yet here I am in this group.

People What the heck am I doing?

The above is only a brief guide to what has happened over the past few months so rather than bore you with the back story i just want to throw it out there that I have somehow allowed my sorry arse to get drawn back in, days after she brought my world to a shattering heartbreak once again by telling me about her cheating on me and these other ex's.

I met her yesterday for lunch, four days after what I believed to be the final discard and has asked if we can be together and try going from the top again. No full on relationship like the one we have had in the past but one where we get to see one another but have the space to recoil and do other things without the pressure of having to rely, consult and check in with the other. She wants us to enjoy the good parts of us, and there are many in amongst the madness.

It's not sitting right with me even though I have agreed to this. If my friends knew about this they would go mad at me. After everything she has put me through I said yes to this and in truth without hesitation however I'm really not sure this is the right thing to do. I love her with all my being but am I being deluded in thinking this can honestly work out?

It's like we are going to try as if we had just met. An an attempt at taking it from the top and seeing if we can recapture the honeymoon faze. She claims she loves me, wants and needs me in her life but she's lied so many times. All the while I know this here I am being sucked back in.

Why am I doing this if I know and have experienced this going wrong every time?


  

[4blade1]

DazedD40:

Noo!  You need to run, run run.  First of you need to figure out what validation she is giving you.  Does she think you are the best person ever, and no one could ever lover her the way you do? right?  And the Sex is amazing too!  If you want to continue this relationship you will have to get a Phych "mad skills" degree or something.  I know you love her, I love my wife of 23 years but I have been to hell and back many times and so have my kids.  You are also seeking something here that you need to find apart from her before you can be healthy yourself.  I know, because your story is just like mine and now I have a trail of destruction of relationships from 23 years of madness. 

[FallBack!Monster]

No offense to anyone, but it seems that some people here tell you that all the pwBPD wants is validation. if you're trying or have to get along with one, you have to validate their feelings.  But what if you want to? Why not validate their feelings as well as your own? 

What I'm saying is, is it right to tell someone to run if that's not what they want to do?  How about giving advise as to how to avoid or reduce the risk of other catastrophic moments if and when you're around this delusional person?

DazedD40, with all do respect... .you are an adult.  Yes this is suppose to be a support group, but you have to validate you're feelings as well.  Be safe with your heart b/c you know that woman better than we do.

[formflier]

People are who they are.  You seem to have a pretty good idea of who this person is and their values.

If that is attractive to you... .explore those feelings.  Can you be with her in a way that honors your values and let's you make emotionally healthy choices?

Think about it.  Ask questions here. 

We will support whatever path you take.  You are the only one to choose your path and protect your values.

FF

[DazedD40]

Thanks for the responses!

To be honest i don't know what she validates in me anymore. That's a question I haven't really asked myself until this past week since she told me about the cheating. If I'm honest I don't think she's validated anything for me for over a year, sexually yes, outside of that she's pushed and pulled me so much I don't know anymore. I feel like I've been used as an emotional punchbag and she blames me for everything that's gone wrong for us and her mental health issues. Just thought maybe that's why she wants me to stick around so she can continue to blame me for anything that goes wrong for her.

She wants everything on her terms and doesn't want the commitment side of a relationship so if that's the case none of my feelings are getting validated whatsoever. I guess I can sense that hence why I'm torn. I think I should run but I feel stuck, like I'm clinging on to the dream of us getting back to when we were happy and we were up until this time last year. When we're good together, man alive, we're good together and it's me and her against the world but when it's like it is now I feel we're a million miles apart.

I think maybe I've made the decision in my heart that this will never work but until I accept it fully I'm going to cling on. It's not like I think she's the only girl who'll have me as I have had some attention off a few woman since we split a few months ago but there not her and I feel I've blocked myself off from other woman at the moment anyway.

I don't know but I do know if that makes any sense? It's just the madness of being stuck at the crossroads, not knowing which direction to take myself in. Walk away or fight for something that will keep beating me down.   

[formflier]

I totally identify with your thinking.  I used to feel and think that way.  Still do sometimes.

There is a focus on the r/s and the other person and a minimization of yourself... .compared to them.

You are in charge of you and responsible for your feelings and your participation in relationships.  Let other people manage themselves.

My advice to you is to find a good T and really explore this side of things and hopefully get to the place where you more fully understand how your pwBPD fits into your good parts and your deficits.

We all have goods and "others".  There are no perfect families or people... .so we need to get over feeling "wrong" or "bad" over having a deficit or "other". 

For instance, I was not raised in a family that validated emotions well.  They praised accomplishment and they didn't invalidate.  They did use boundaries but didn't talk about it much.

So, I've been really trying to build up my validation and empathy skills... .since that is one of my deficits.

FF

[Rayban]

Hey all, can't believe I'm posting in this group! Been on the detaching group ever since joining yet here I am!

So my, sort of, ex has all the traits yet is undiagnosed as BPD/npd. I have encountered pretty much every BPD/npd cliche there is and I'm pretty sure my most recent face to face contact with her she let me see behind her mask. I found out last weekend she had indeed cheated on me, as I had thought, and found she had gaslighted me over the whole thing and not only that she had been in contact with ex boyfriends whilst still with me. I can't help feel she has triangulated me the whole time with an ex who lives miles away from our city yet here I am in this group.

People What the heck am I doing?

The above is only a brief guide to what has happened over the past few months so rather than bore you with the back story i just want to throw it out there that I have somehow allowed my sorry arse to get drawn back in, days after she brought my world to a shattering heartbreak once again by telling me about her cheating on me and these other ex's.

I met her yesterday for lunch, four days after what I believed to be the final discard and has asked if we can be together and try going from the top again. No full on relationship like the one we have had in the past but one where we get to see one another but have the space to recoil and do other things without the pressure of having to rely, consult and check in with the other. She wants us to enjoy the good parts of us, and there are many in amongst the madness.

It's not sitting right with me even though I have agreed to this. If my friends knew about this they would go mad at me. After everything she has put me through I said yes to this and in truth without hesitation however I'm really not sure this is the right thing to do. I love her with all my being but am I being deluded in thinking this can honestly work out?

It's like we are going to try as if we had just met. An an attempt at taking it from the top and seeing if we can recapture the honeymoon faze. She claims she loves me, wants and needs me in her life but she's lied so many times. All the while I know this here I am being sucked back in.

Why am I doing this if I know and have experienced this going wrong every time?


  

Dazed, by the sounds of it, we're pretty much at the same point with our relationship with Bpdexgf. Maybe im a few weeks ahead of you. Let me tell you that based on where you are at in you RS with her, you will only experience more pain. 

I realize that in my case,  continuing after a clear devaluation, where she knows you've figured her out,  will just have her find reasons to drag, and toy with you.  Admitting to cheating when she always denied before is too me, an example of her intentionally trying to hurt you. We stroke their ego everytime we go back, knowing full well it's wrong. Everytime we enforce a boundry or go NC, and then break it gives them a feeling of elation being irresistible.  We are infact validating that they are right and we are defective.

She wants to keep you around,  to serve as a dutiful orbôter.  A name on a phone to dial up when needed. Someone conditioned not to question or challenge her. Someone who should consider themselves to be lucky to spend time with her, and is willing to accept even more abuse, lying,  cheating, gaslighting etc.

Looking back when I was in complete FOG she would always bring up past exes calling her asking to meet up. She was boasting. All these guys that left her, or were left by her, still were willing to see her.

Break the cycle. The sex, some good times and the mirrored honeymoon stage was all that was good.  To me the rest was hell.
 

[DazedD40]

Yep im defo in the fog alright!

[Meili]

If I may make a suggestion, don't jump back into things with her; fall back into them. Take the time to slowly rebuild. Go to couples and individual counseling if possible. Even if not possible, take the time that you need to build trust, confidence, and consistency. If this is truly a r/s that you both want, then you'll be able to do those things. If it's all just a fantasy, then you won't and you'll not be completely enmeshed and you'll be able to mitigate the damage better.

During the falling phase, you can also continue to work on yourself so that you'll be much stronger to handle whatever the future may hold.