Feel like I can never forgive my mother

[druun]

Hi, this is my first post so I hope I don't mess it up 
I am the 16 year old child of a mother with BPD. I myself have been experiencing depression for the past 3 years and have been inpatient for the past year for my own mental health.
I have never got along with my mother due to her terrifying mood swings and I strongly believe that one of the causes of my own mental health issues was growing up with her. Of course, I cannot blame her because I know it is a mental health problem like any other.
I am now very detached from her. I found a diary I wrote when I was 9-10 years old and inside lots of the entries contain comments like this:
'Today I cried because mummy was angry and told me that she wishes I was never born. She said when a baby is in the tummy you can kill them by abortion, she said she should've done that to me.'
'Today mummy and daddy argued so mummy screamed and smashed daddy's phone and she told me that daddy is evil and doesn't love me or her. She said he has another girlfriend and other children that he loves more than me. Dad only pretends to love me.' (Obviously my dad has never actually had an affair in any shape or form, my mother's BPD leads her to assuming everybody is betraying and cheating on her)
'Today mum was upset and she said that she will kill herself and it is because of me. I don't know how I upset her, she's in her room now and I am so scared'

Basically, every day of my childhood was like this. I still have to text my dad before I come home to ask what kind of mood my mother is in so I know whether to attempt interaction with her or go straight upstairs.
I have my own therapist but as I am only 16 years old, nobody takes it seriously when I tell them that I have serious problems with my relationship to my mother. All I ever get is 'oh I remember being a teenager, I used to argue with my mum when I was your age too!'. People tend to think that I am exaggerating my problems, or that I am just an angsty teenager stuck in the 'my parents suck!' phase.

This is going to sound evil of me but I honestly hate my own mother. I cannot forgive her for the things I witnessed because of her as a young child, the suicide threats she made to me when I shouldn't even have known what suicide was, the relationship with my father which constantly lead to terrifying arguments (verbal and physical) because of her suspicions that my father doesn't love her, that he's cheating on her, hiding things from her etc etc (none of these things are true but when she's in a very bad mood we all have to turn our phones off because every text message we receive leads my mother to shouting fit of 'who's texting you? is it another woman? I know you don't really love me, I hate you!)

How do I recover from this? Is there any help out there for some of the traumatic memories I have of my childhood?

[Mutt]

I am very sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you right now, and it is great to see you reaching out for help and support - a very brave and scary thing to do!

Unfortunately, our site requires the members to be at least 18 years old.  There are sites specifically for teens that can help.  Please check out www.teenhelp.org.  Please know we will be here when you are 18 and look forward to hearing from you then.

I would also like to encourage you to talk to your school counselor or school social worker about your struggles right now.  Having a person to confide in can be very helpful.  I wish you well in your search.