A New Beginning

[Meili]

It seems that the addiction, for me, has been broken. I no longer feel the compulsive desires that came with the end of my r/s. All that is left are fond feelings for my x and what we shared.

It is both a relief and a source of confusion. Not having the drive that compelled me to chase her is a totally different sensation that I'm still trying to get used to.

I guess another gift that she left me with is understanding the difference between love and infatuation. Now that the chaos has ended and I no longer have a desperate need for her, I can feel a warm love.

I realize that this does not sound like detachment, and it isn't in the conventional sense. But, for me, that's exactly what it is. The need is gone. I'll be OK no matter what happens.

[JerryRG]

I'm happy for you Meili

Your success is inspiring

 

[married21years]

well done

i just want to hit my ex with a shovel! 

[Ahoy]

Brilliant! You might now be feeling a tad flat, like the fire has gone out. Use this time on yourself, find a new hobby or revisit an old one, find passion for life in yourself

[JerryRG]

Lol married21years

It may be illegal and immoral but trust me, I've felt the same way many times. Best to be honest rather than live in denial.

[married21years]

Lol married21years

It may be illegal and immoral but trust me, I've felt the same way many times. Best to be honest rather than live in denial.

haha no problem, then charge her for a free face lift

can give he BF one to he is 64 and needs a face lift, she is banging mario from supper mario

short fat bald and always looking for pennies

she has lost the best thing in her life!

 

[Meili]

Unfortunately, hitting the x with a shovel wouldn't have magically gotten rid of the emotions. I found it far more effective to figure out what I was actually mad about.  Once I figured that out, I was able to look at my part in all of it.

For instance, I was furious because I felt that she repeatedly betrayed the love that I gave her. Once I realized that, I was able to see that she only did what I allowed her to do. If I didn't want her to repeatedly do that, I should have stopped it. I didn't stop it though. She was just doing what came naturally to her. She wasn't responsible for my happiness, I was. I wasn't protecting myself and making sure that my needs were met. I can be mad about what she did, but I can't be furious because I allowed it to happen.

Once I started to accept responsibility for my choices and my part in the demise of the r/s, it was a lot easier to release the anger, disdain, and bitterness. As long as I continued to look outward for the source of my misery (the same thing that a pwBPD does btw - places blame on others so that they don't have to acknowledge their own feelings) and started to look at myself, I was stuck in the mire that my r/s left me with. Looking inward was my source of freedom.

[married21years]

Unfortunately, hitting the x with a shovel wouldn't have magically gotten rid of the emotions. I found it far more effective to figure out what I was actually mad about.  Once I figured that out, I was able to look at my part in all of it.

For instance, I was furious because I felt that she repeatedly betrayed the love that I gave her. Once I realized that, I was able to see that she only did what I allowed her to do. If I didn't want her to repeatedly do that, I should have stopped it. I didn't stop it though. She was just doing what came naturally to her. She wasn't responsible for my happiness, I was. I wasn't protecting myself and making sure that my needs were met. I can be mad about what she did, but I can't be furious because I allowed it to happen.

Once I started to accept responsibility for my choices and my part in the demise of the r/s, it was a lot easier to release the anger, disdain, and bitterness. As long as I continued to look outward for the source of my misery (the same thing that a pwBPD does btw - places blame on others so that they don't have to acknowledge their own feelings) and started to look at myself, I was stuck in the mire that my r/s left me with. Looking inward was my source of freedom.

i am accepting my role in this and i am walking away

i know now my care and support were an issue

but that is what was requested and all attempts to get her to look after herself failed!

i had no idea about the lies, deceit, cheating hidden credit cards or affairs!

 we i did she was held to account and lied

so an ultimatum was put in place come clean get help or chose to end this

she chose super mario, and i moved on and started again! 

[Meili]

Yeah, there are some things that happen in r/s that we had nothing to do with. Cheating, hidden accounts, etc. all fall into that category as far as I can tell. Fortunately, I didn't have to deal with any of those.

I suppose that the only time we have any accountability when it comes to such things is when we allow ourselves to stay in the r/s after discovery and it becomes a repeating pattern. Then we have to look at why we chose to stay.

[Mutt]

Hi Meili,

I realize that this does not sound like detachment, and it isn't in the conventional sense. But, for me, that's exactly what it is. The need is gone. I'll be OK no matter what happens.

The process is different for everyone. That's good to hear that you have turned a corner