Does gender matter with BPD or are they fairly similar?

[Puzzledpieces]

I have had the experience of  2 BPD people in my life.
First was a female friend, who is fairly textbook . Constant need of attention, needy, jealous of other friends in my life, never gave me silent treatment extensively, but she'd pick fights with me just because. She was extremely routine, had to text good morning and good night and fairly constant  contact in between through out the day. We would fight often because she didn't like anyone else's opinion. She was hot and cold through out our friendship. She was open enough to talk about feelings, but never saw anyone else's as correct.  Eventually I cut contact with her and that lasted a year, she reached out when her mother passed away and I responded because that's who I am. However I haven't let her back in my life in the same way. We don't hang out or see each other at all.


The other person was a man I dated, for roughly 6 months. He was extremely charming in the beginning and was in constant contact as well thru the first few months. He love bombed me like crazy, future faked and made me fall hard! But down to road, I realized He was afraid of commitment and would always shut me out when I asked about our relationship and where we were going or what he wanted out of it, I would receive silent treatment, that usually lasted a week. He was never expressive of feelings, emotions etc. It was like he was made of stone, even when I had gotten pregnant and lost the baby, he showed 0 emotion or empathy towards it. He was a stone too when we were intimidate, like he was in his own world. He never took blame for anything, and always made me feel crazy.  He definitely has some covert narcissism in him as well. At the end, his final discard was random silent treatment that is still on going, it's been 3 months now and I am doing much better. He chucked me out like garbage, like I dont even exist, without a care in the world. He drove to me a depressed place though, where I was full of anxiety, always second guessing my sanity, I lost a lot of weight from not having an appetite, I didn't feel like myself at all. So I'm glad to say I am doing better these days. And realizing that I won't get any closure from him.

My question is, does gender matter at all with BPD? I know they all don't so exact things the same but I do notice a lot of differences in the 2 I let into my life.  I am aware that one of these was a romantic relationship and the other a friendship, but I'm curious if they differ regarding gender or if it's the type of relationship that would make the difference.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Puzzled-

Interesting, this topic has been coming up lately.  A common perception in the past was that women were more often diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and men more often with narcissistic personality disorder due to biases within the mental health professions, and that followed with the perception that more women than men "got" BPD and vice versa with NPD.  Turns out, with recent studies that that isn't true, although the traits of the disorder manifest differently in men and women.

Here's a pretty clinical study if you're interested: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3115767/

Another factor, from us on the outside, is the level of intimacy, which will likely be higher in a romantic relationship than in a friendship.  Many folks here complain how awesome a borderline, man or woman, is regarded in the community and among friends, but behind closed doors they're hell on earth.

So does that question come out of your processing as you detach?

[Puzzledpieces]

Yeah I suppose it does  while I am mentally getting myself back together and feel physically  better, after he randomly left, I still think of it daily and still try to make sense of it all, even though I know I won't.  He's someone I see during the school year, as our kids go to school together, so I guess since August is now creeping up I am starting to think about running into him again, and I know I'll probably go thru anxiety as well again as it gets closer to. In may June when I had to see him, he would sometimes completely disregard me like he didn't know me, other times he'd talk, but that was usually if I initiated. I think he liked to see my squirm, so I tried my best to shrug it off like I didn't care. Her on the other hand, if I saw her randomly she would have been a mature person and it wouldn't have been awkward. I guess I wonder if he seems more BPD or NPD. Either way, I suppose he's toxic regardless.

Thanks for the link

[Hopefulgirl]

Id like to know the differences as well. It seems like most of the people who post about their experiences are talking about females.
I think too, in your case, you are talking about different relationships too, one a friend and one you are dating.
I've read articles online saying that the male with BPD os more physically violent, cheats more. But from what I've read on this forum, thats really not true.

[fromheeltoheal]

Either way, I suppose he's toxic regardless.

Or another way, his behaviors are unacceptable to you, so best he's out of your life so you can detach and move on.

I guess I wonder if he seems more BPD or NPD.

And another wrinkle is that BPD is a shame-based disorder and borderlines constantly fear both abandonment and engulfment, and ways to deal with that include taking on narcissistic traits and controlling the emotional distance in the relationship, both reactionary and on top of, the disorder, which can complicate things.  :)oesn't matter in the end, as long as we have a basic understanding and consider the behaviors unacceptable, then we can focus on ourselves and our detachment.

[Ceruleanblue]

The man you described dating sounds eerily similar to my BPD/NPD husband. He basically faked his way through our dating phase, but the real him came out after we'd married. Threats of divorce started very soon after, controlling behaviors, push/pull, and like you described, huge emotional distance. It's like all that attention and connection he pretended to have when we were dating just dried up, and he didn't feel the need for any real connection outside of sex.

I'm not sure if there are big differences in the BPD traits from male to female. I've often wondered about that. I do know that both men and women on these boards are left feeling much as you do after the relationship ends. Heck, I'm feeling that way, and I'm still detaching, and trying to figure out how to leave without hugely setting him off. I'd always thought he didn't really have fear of abandonment, but seems he does. I've had five years of divorce threats, and verbal and psychological abuse, and when I finally made a back up plan, he got set off. My back up plan has morphed into my "I really need to get out, what do I need to do to make that happen" plan.

It sounds like you are working on healing, which is really all any of us can do. Therapy has helped me see the futility of staying the marriage when BPDh won't own his part, and I can only change so much, or give up so much of myself(and he's still never happy).

I guess we have to take some of our power back, and use that to heal.

[Puzzledpieces]

Another interesting thing is that my female friend will tell you straight out about her BPD and discuss it with you... .not sure if this is just because females tend to be more open and communicative than men or not. But I find it interesting. I also felt like I was in the middle of some crazy making with him, because I would flip back and forth on if I was just over analyzing to the point where I was making myself crazy OR if I was actually dealing with everything I did.  If that makes any sense.  I had a few red flags now that I look back, he was very much into friends with benefits type relationships before hand, short and probably ended similar to how ours did. He's been on a dating site for 2 years after his divorce, but I honestly don't think he's actually interesting in "finding someone to be with". More so for the attention, ego boost, and possibly to meet up with someone else that will fall for his tricks. My first red flag was very early on, when he spoke of life together next Christmas and what how he envisioned our holidays. At the time it was only a month or so in and seemed too early to be saying stuff like that. In fact he came off slightly needy and too eager, like he'd never been with a woman before (clearly not the case, but that's how i felt) and it put me off a bit. He also has 0 friends! I'm not sure if this would play a big part in this or not, but I have a friend that went to high school with him way back  (he's mid 30s) and he was severely bullied. I get this weird feeling that he's getting payback but hurting others like he's been hurt, or something along those lines.
I suppose I was a little taken aback with how he treated me because I got to know his mother well and we were in touch often regardless of how things were with him and I. I guess I just felt that he wouldn't act the way he did with someone he still had to see daily at the school, but clearly that didn't matter at all to him, nor did it make him uncomfortable.
When he first started his last ST, I had asked in person why he just stopped talking to me and the only response I got was "everything is fine, you're just being a girl and over analyzing things"... .Obviously not!, I am not blind or stupid. I knew what he was doing, I was just curious about his response