left and leaving? I just want him back.

[Lasis]

Hey Everyone.

I am a not so innocent "victim" of BPD. I met Him nearly 18 months ago. I was married and not in a very good place.
My marriage had been tenuous at best for the last year and my ex and I had been swinging for a few years when HE came over. I felt an immediate connection. We had never met but our worlds had been dancing around eachother for most of our lives. I told my ex how I felt and that I wanted to pursue a relationship with Him. I said I felt a deep connection to Him and I would only accept such in our next sexual partner.
For obvious reasons, that didnt go over well... .But it didnt stop me. In what I can only describe as a selfish rage, I decided to pursue Him. And I did, and it worked.
For the next year He and I were on again off again friends and lovers. All the while my marriage crumbled around my feet. My ex and I attempted marriage counselling, but neither of us was entirely honest about what we going on. Finally almost 4 months ago I left. A year after I should have, and I wish I had then. But I was weak and scared and confused about my situation. But I summoned my courage, and packed my  please read               |.
Within a few weeks... HE and I were back together. He had been open about his mental illness with me for a while. He had disclosed his diagnosis before my ex and I had called it quits. So I went into this knowing he was not well, but he was medicated and seeing a psych nurse weekly. Things were amazing. For 3 months we spoke everyday and saw eachother 3 to 5 times a week. He helped me put in my garden and I helped weed his.
He was still struggling with depression, sometimes my visit was his reason for getting up. I often woke him in the morning, stopping in on my way to work.
After about a month He started calling me his girlfriend and introducing me to his friends and family.I began to do the same. He seemed to feeling more stable and dare I say happy. Around the 3 month mark he met my kids. My son was head over heals for him. They spoke the same language. It was lovely.
To give you a little background at this point I think is necessary. He has a child too. The childs mother is very manipulative amd uses their child as a pawn. She is very hurtful and uses his triggers against him often ( there were times when he would see her then sleep for 3 days).
Anyways, 3 weeks ago he broke my heart. We were at the point where we were seeing eachother almost everyday. He had met my kids. We spent a weekend together, went to the Bay. Played in the water with the kids. Had dinner and a sleep over. He left Sunday morning. He was going to see his daughter so I didnt bother trying to call until the evening. He didnt answer but that is typical of him after spending time with his childs mother.
So I tried him in the morning and got a cryptic text. "Too much bad news. Call you later". When we finally connected after work he dropped me like a sack of hammers. Said it was over. He had spoken with the childs mother and she put things into perspective and he called me a fantasy. Too good to be true, he got carried away. He didnt want a relationship.
I have tried to contact him since with little success. Save for returning items... .All of which at first he instsited I throw away because it "hurts to much to see me".
I am devastated. I honestly felt like this man was connected to me the way i felt connected to him. Like he was my companion. I felt I could be myself around him and accepted him as he was without wanting anything more than his company. Reciprocity was, I thought, the basis of our relationship.
I guess I was wrong.
I am on here looking for closure I doubt I will get from him. I have read about a lot of people who were ditched over night when they thought their partner was in love too. Bpd is a hard road I have come to understand.
I am still in that holding on for dear life stage. I have this hope that is so deep within me, that perhaps he will see what he has tossed aside and let me back in. Like before when I was still married and we were on again off again.
I text him good morning daily still.
Outwardly I am trying to move on, but in my heart of hearts I know I would drop everything for him.
Thats sad. Pathetic really.
How do you cope with this feeling of utter rejection? I am at a loss. Do I wait around and try try try or leave and never look back.

[Lilyroze]

  Hello Lasis,

Welcome to bpdfamily. I can see how hurt and confused you must feel right now. I am glad you were able to join and write your story.

While you are on your path to healing, or trying to improve the relationship I hope that you can take some time to focus on you. Heal your pain, and do some goals or things with your children that can give you all some memories.

I see you like to garden. Spending time in the garden has always refreshed me. Do you have some goals for your garden in the fall? Are some of your plants ready for harvest?

There are some great tools here that can help you heal, understand BPD, and some great boards that will give you some insight. There are great book recommendations as well.

Is there some goals you have in mind or something special you would like to do that can help you find a little joy in the week ahead?

Do you happen to have a T that can help you at this time?

Keep sharing what you need to, and try to find some peace on your journey.

[zonnebloem]

 

Hello Lasis,

I am so sorry what you are going through!

Yes, keep focused on the things you do enjoy.

Good you found this community to chat with.

good day! Does he ever answer your "goodmorning tekst"?

[Narkiss]

I have a really similar story. Married when I met him. Left husband. I got dropped on my head once and got back together. He called me a dream. The instability never went away. I am trying to understand what happened also. I thought we were in the same relationship, that we both felt the same incredible connection and affection and cherished it. Their feelings flip--that's the mental illness. One day they love you more than life itself. The next day they don't know if they even want to bother seeing you -- and you have no idea. Or if you sense it, it's completely unexplainable and feels like the world has turned upside down. Mine has an ex who is really not an ex, and I think he bounced between her and me for quite a while. He has recently decided it could never work between us because of my children, although he had been insisting for more than a year that he wanted to be a step-dad. People say that the closer they feel to you the more they sabotage the relationship and run. Take some comfort in that. And the stories on these boards. Most of them follow a similar pattern.

[zonnebloem]

 

Thanks Narkies, my BPD told me to be the "love of his life" but he'd Always put his spoiled brads first.
He has kids with 2 women so one would think he'd learn... .but it is Always the fault of some else so... .how can they learn?
It is Always me being jealous... .instead of him correcting his spoiled and sabotaging kids... .him being the slave and them using his  feeling of guilt.

O God, how angry I have been. Don't want to think about it anymore and move on... .

[Larmoyant]

Hi Lasis, I’m on the leaving board, but wanted to reach out because I can feel your pain and confusion. I’m hesitant to give advice for fear of hurting you more, but I would suggest you stop texting him every morning. Every time he fails to respond you probably experience more rejection and around and around it goes.Try to take a step back. It could be that doing this will trigger him to contact you again or maybe not, but what have you got to lose? He’ll come back if he wants to and I doubt nothing you can do will change that right now. I know it's hard, but try to step back, stop texting and in the mean time learn all you can about BPD. It’s helping me to detach, but if you do get back with him it will also benefit you. Give you tools to deal with this illness.