How Do nBPD avoid being brought down by insults and verbal abuse by BPD ex?

[Forgetit]

The ex keeps sending emails from different addresses so they get through my email filters.  I have maintained No Contacts for a few days since breakup but he keeps sending long and insulting emails saying derogatory things about my looks and personality, my kid, my parenting, etc... .Im beginning to get angry but I wont give him the satisfaction by responding.  I broke up with him because he had  again, overstepped the boundaries, and became hii stypical angry and verbally abusive self, yelling and throwing a temper tantrum.  There seems too be a lot of line- crossing in BPD personalities. If I were dumped by someone I would take my pride and go, not keep harassing them. So odd. Usually after this phase he will come back crying and begging for me to take him back. Is this the splitting behavior i see mentioned throughout this site?

[Meili]

Those types of emails are horrible! My x did a little of that. I didn't engage and she stopped rather quickly.

First, I wouldn't open the emails if you can avoid it. If you have to open all emails and read them because it goes to a work address or whatever, then I would try to remember that the insults are not really about you. Don't personalize them. He is lashing out, trying to hurt you because he is hurting. It's far easier for him to direct his pain and rage at you than to look at himself.

I know that isn't much advice, but there is no magic pill to get through these types of breakups.

Good luck! 

[Forgetit]

Thats true, its just tiring- been through is a few times now.  Im letting go permanently this time. Thank youfor the quick response

[JQ]

Hello Forgetit,

I'm sorry that you're going through this and have to experience it. I know like others here how draining it can be to deal with such vial crap that you're not looking for.

The quick fix I would tell you is since things are getting through your spam filter from different email address only to find out it's him ... .the alternative is to change your email address. I know it might seem like a pain in the butt in the beginning to change your contact info on your bills, family & friends but the alternative is even worse right?

So change your email and advise family and friends that this one is NOT to be giving out to ANYONE ... .PERIOD!  That should do it.

I would certainly block other social media things like FB or Twitter, etc. If you need to change your work email address then I would go to your IT dept via your boss, explain the situation and get another email address. This is possible without much work on the IT dept and should stop the harassment work as well.

If for some reason one of the emails makes it through by some strange happening, don't read the entire thing. Read the first line or cut to the bottom of the page to see if he signs it and then delete it without reading the content.

He is in a "major meltdown" or a "major deregulation" and is lashing out. With you protecting yourself from anger, hurt, ABUSE OF ALL FORMS he is feeling abandon and you know by your reading that BPD's have an enormous amount of guilt and feelings of abandonment. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT OR YOUR CIRCUS TO DEAL WITH SO DON'T!   

Remember, you're not dealing with someone who uses logic but a 3 yr old toddler.  Can you take a step back, take a deep breath and see that his behavior is very much like a 3 yr old toddler throwing a temper tantrum by lashing out? He has never learned to deal with his emotions or thoughts or feelings because of the Mental Illness and unfortunately until medical science can come up with some type of pharma or physical treatment to change this he will continue down this path. Really if you read in the forums and other sights that until the pwBPD wants to seek out counseling via a C. Therapist or C. Psychologist things are going to remain the same or get worse. And sadly as much as we want, beg, plead, them to seek out help they will not.

You're experience the push / pull behavior of BPD ... .he gets close to you, emotionally, physically, and he like other BPD's feel it closing in, they feel "engulfment" and don't know how to deal with it so they "PUSH" you away. You leave, walk away, try to heal, try to move forward and they, "the pwBPD" now feels abandoned and does the exact thing you describe in order to guilt you into coming back to them. They do everything they can to "PULL" you back to them ... .this is what you're experiencing now in addition to a few other things.

Take this time for yourself. Get out for a walk to get rid of stress and get the good endorphins in your body. A mile will only take 15-20 minutes on a bad day, do two if you can. On your walk take the time to look around at nature and admire the small things. The birds singing, kids playing, the smell of the grass, the beautiful sky.  Be sure to eat well, and get some sleep. You need to take this time to heal. Don't forget to look for that good therapist who is verse in BPD & codependent r/s. This will be key to your healing as well.

You got this, and we the group got you! 

J

[stimpy]

Hello Forgetit,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. It sounds as if your ex is highly dysregulated at the moment, feeling shame and anger. Very difficult.

I think the advice from JQ is spot on.

Remember, this raging is the conduct of someone who is mentally ill and cannot control his emotions and is pathological. The pathology is that he cannot return to being regulated, so the maladaptive behaviour just continues. Much like a little child throwing a tantrum when something goes wrong. And yes, this sounds like splitting. Splitting is akin to black and white thinking, or good v bad thinking. So someone (including themselves ironically) can be viewed as either All Good or All Bad. So during the idealization phase, you are viewed as all good. After devaluation/discard/end of the relationship, the view switches 180 degrees, and suddenly that same person is now all bad.

It's because the complexities of seeing someone (again including themselves) as partly good/partly bad, somewhere in the middle as it were, is too complex for them, because it means holding opposite views of the same person, which is emotionally and psychologically quite a complex thing to do.

Mine did something as pathological, but less threatening, and in the end I just sent her an email saying it was disrespectful to me and not worthy of her. And it started to subside after that, and I have now been free of her for about 5 or so weeks. At last. I don't know if this would work with your situation? It sounds like he might be too dysregulated to respond normally to such an email.

Other than that, yeah, a new email address might be the only answer, or contact the authorities and see if what he is doing amounts to harassment?

[married21years]

try to think this is affirmation if it is needed you have made the right decision

they distort reality to make themselves feel better

please realise this is not reality and just their distorted view of the world