filing for divorce

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My DstbxBPDh said he would never ever divorce me. We have been married less than a year. A week ago, he packed and left without warning, changed his phone number and email and it has been silent treatment since. His mother will not respond to me either.

Is it common for a pwBPD to actually be the one who files for divorce or do they hold out and typically wait for the spouse to file? I know what he said he would never file however I am unsure of what is the truth versus a lie anymore.

[MrsTrigger]

My DstbxBPDh said he would never ever divorce me. We have been married less than a year. A week ago, he packed and left without warning, changed his phone number and email and it has been silent treatment since. His mother will not respond to me either.

Is it common for a pwBPD to actually be the one who files for divorce or do they hold out and typically wait for the spouse to file? I know what he said he would never file however I am unsure of what is the truth versus a lie anymore.

[married21years]

usually you have to divorce them

they cannot face the abandonment

[Panda39]

married21years is probably right in most cases but the opposite can be true also... .they abandon you before you can abandon them.

You can't control what he does you can only control what you do, so I guess the question is do you want to divorce or do you want to try and make it work?  Once you decide you will have to act accordingly.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

From your other posts it's good he started started therapy but what really counts is whether he will stick with it.  If he doesn't work on resolving his dysfunctional thinking, perceptions and behaviors and become relatively stable, long term and not just a few sessions, then any attempt to fix the relationship will continue to be band-aids and not solutions.

Without him making major improvements, the past will be the predictor of the future.  If he does return to therapy, good, but he has to stick with it and diligently apply it in his life.  As in any recovery, setbacks are unavoidable, but overall you would need to see progress.  Without real long term progress the cycles of past behaviors will continue.

Meanwhile, if you think the marriage could have a future then best to avoid having children until you are confident he is well along on the path to recovery.  Sadly, having children doesn't fix the big issues, it just makes them vastly more complicated since then custody and co-parenting are added issues to deal with.

[MrsTrigger]

I initially thought the same as married21years that he wouldn't initiate a divorce. I believe with his sudden switch to extended silent treatment, changing his contact info and making sure I can't find him, he wants to send a clear statement  that he has moved on so I will follow through with filing. The action of me filing makes a good story so he can continue to avoid responsibility.  I keep telling myself to watch his actions and not listen to his words.

Panda39, I don't want a divorce however I know the alternative is living in a fantasy world. I know I have to do what is best for me since any attempts to reach out to him have been ignored. I have to come to terms with that and thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist today.

ForeverDad, I can't agree with you any more! That is exactly my reality that I have to accept. Starting therapy was a good step in the right direction however his actions again didn't match up with his words. "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."
At this stage in his life, early 40's, the relationship behavior patterns seem so ingrained and I'm not sure he wants to give up the addiction to the adrenaline rush. Consuming large amounts of caffeine will always keep the embers smoldering and on edge. It then just takes the tiny spark to start down the path again. Toward the end, the only time we had a fairly stable relationship was the two weeks we did the elimination diet. Avoid caffeine and nicotine was a big game changer however it didn't last long.
I think he likes and maybe wants the idea of a marriage and routine however his first action when transitioning from the depressed to rage state is buying RedBull and cigarettes. Plus adding vodka to the RedBull is a nice way to conceal from his Mom that he is drinking. He always has a place to run to as long as he has his enablers to keep protecting him and don't establish boundaries. Ultimately, he has to want to make the choice which is biggest problem.

[married21years]

if you file you are in control of the process

[puck]

He always has a place to run to as long as he has his enablers to keep protecting him and don't establish boundaries. Ultimately, he has to want to make the choice which is biggest problem.

I can appreciate your situation. I'm so sorry you're facing this!

You're doing your utmost to give your partner what he needs to be successful in his treatment, but his motivation to heal and contribute meaningfully to the relationship are less than ideal. Having a family enabler on the side that he can use to perpetuate his inaction is problematic, because it shields him from the natural consequences of his choices. My spouse has a similar option that he's taking advantage of, and it's prolonging his dependency. I think he's actually gotten so used to dependency that it has created an additional hurdle on top of the underlying issues!

As someone in a similar situation with children, I think you're wise to discern what he is capable of and what he isn't. Unfortunately, even with the best of intentions and the best efforts on your part, if he isn't motivated, the situation will persist. Know what you are comfortable accepting as a long term relationship pattern, and draw a line if his behaviour crosses that boundary. Easier said than done, right?

[michel71]

I was where you are at year one and now its year 3 and it didn't get any better. More hurt. More money at stake for my spouse to grab. You might consider to what degree you want to aid and abet your abuser BPD to abuse you further. I should have gotten out way sooner. SAVE YOURSELF before you lose yourself.