Im trying to understand this.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've visited these boards for some time now. Back in early October after a move with my then 5 year girlfriend down to Florida to escape all the negativity that plagued my relationship with my ex, I caught her cheating on me. Until the day I caught her I got the typical " I love you's, sex, ect. We were engaged for a time until she decided to cheat on me from what she said was just verbally until some time later her sister confirmed it was more. Im going to be honest and say that emotionally I went down hill very fast once I found out she had left me for her coworker and in ways I didn't know were possible in me. Severe depression, suicide ideation, constantly contacted her to try to fix it, vent anger, try to "rescue" her from a bad decision. I made threats, I lost my self respect and my integrity. The pain was so hard to endure. I felt so alone. I lost someone I thought was my best friend and that I tried my hardest with for years to stick with and be there for. I caught myself near the end of my relationship wishing that there was someone out there for me. I think really what I wishing for was there person in her I thought was there. Its a hard truth to understand that we see what we want to see rather than whats standing right in front of us. Its a shock I wasn't ready for. The move was to start over, build a life we could be proud of.

I've come a long way since then. Ive taught myself about codependency, the ins and outs of BPD, and why I was so attracted to her. I understand exactly how Im suppose to be thinking. Ive gone through the motions. What I can't understand is why I still miss and see the individual that wasn't there. Why I have a hard time focusing on who she really was. I made a short list just off the top of my head:

Cheating
Lying
2 Attempts to stab me
Irrationality
Abusive (physically and emotionally)
lack of sex drive/yet converses sexually with other men
Always late
No Boundaries with men
dumps friends that don't meet her needs
no effort to communicate
False Love
Wouldn’t get help/finish it
Obsessed with weight loss
eating disorder/binging
lack ofimpulse control
addicted to adder all
two affairs
lacks core identity/true sense of self
different personalities around different people
relies on drugs to feel better
can't be alone


What I don't understand is that on paper this is just the tip of the iceberg with who she is. So why do I still miss her? I felt like she was my best friend, I relied on her going to therapy to work through things so that we would calm down but deep down I knew shed avoid it like she did most other important things. Why do I keep feeling stuck on the fact that underneath all of this is a good person if in turn this is really her true personality?

I've done my best to move on. Logically I know the end came the day she put her hands on another man, if you could even call him that (he was aware we were together). I am dating again albeit VERY cautiously. Its coming up on a year. I just want to move past all this and take back my life. Theres so much in the way of positivity in my life. This just seems to be holding me back.

Any help would be appreciated.

[Minusone]

I've visited these boards for some time now. Back in early October after a move with my then 5 year girlfriend down to Florida to escape all the negativity that plagued my relationship with my ex, I caught her cheating on me. Until the day I caught her I got the typical " I love you's, sex, ect. We were engaged for a time until she decided to cheat on me from what she said was just verbally until some time later her sister confirmed it was more. Im going to be honest and say that emotionally I went down hill very fast once I found out she had left me for her coworker and in ways I didn't know were possible in me. Severe depression, suicide ideation, constantly contacted her to try to fix it, vent anger, try to "rescue" her from a bad decision. I made threats, I lost my self respect and my integrity. The pain was so hard to endure. I felt so alone. I lost someone I thought was my best friend and that I tried my hardest with for years to stick with and be there for. I caught myself near the end of my relationship wishing that there was someone out there for me. I think really what I wishing for was there person in her I thought was there. Its a hard truth to understand that we see what we want to see rather than whats standing right in front of us. Its a shock I wasn't ready for. The move was to start over, build a life we could be proud of.

I've come a long way since then. Ive taught myself about codependency, the ins and outs of BPD, and why I was so attracted to her. I understand exactly how Im suppose to be thinking. Ive gone through the motions. What I can't understand is why I still miss and see the individual that wasn't there. Why I have a hard time focusing on who she really was. I made a short list just off the top of my head:

Cheating
Lying
2 Attempts to stab me
Irrationality
Abusive (physically and emotionally)
lack of sex drive/yet converses sexually with other men
Always late
No Boundaries with men
dumps friends that don't meet her needs
no effort to communicate
False Love
Wouldn’t get help/finish it
Obsessed with weight loss
eating disorder/binging
lack ofimpulse control
addicted to adder all
two affairs
lacks core identity/true sense of self
different personalities around different people
relies on drugs to feel better
can't be alone


What I don't understand is that on paper this is just the tip of the iceberg with who she is. So why do I still miss her? I felt like she was my best friend, I relied on her going to therapy to work through things so that we would calm down but deep down I knew shed avoid it like she did most other important things. Why do I keep feeling stuck on the fact that underneath all of this is a good person if in turn this is really her true personality?

I've done my best to move on. Logically I know the end came the day she put her hands on another man, if you could even call him that (he was aware we were together). I am dating again albeit VERY cautiously. Its coming up on a year. I just want to move past all this and take back my life. Theres so much in the way of positivity in my life. This just seems to be holding me back.

Any help would be appreciated.

[enlighten me]

Its not her you miss its the dream of a perfect relationship with your soulmate. What makes it hard is that during the idolisation phase thats what you had.

For me the dream was as much my doing than her misleading me. I wanted it. Thought I had it and when things went sour tried to hold on and sweep the negative stuff under the carpet to try and hold onto a dream.

[GoingBack2OC]

I'll echo  enlighten me's comments.

You miss what you thought was. But can I ask, do you think you miss who you were when you thought she was that person you adored?  Do you like yourself, how you feel about you, more now, or back then, when you first fell in love?

This is something I personally struggle with, as I'm sure many here also do. You were cheated on. Lied to. You were treated as "unimportant", like her being late, thats a lack of respect for you and your time. You were emotionally abused.

I realized, and this really helped me, that it wasnt just the fact that I romanticized about the ideal "her", the person I thought she was and would be, and the person I thought, or the life I would have, with her--  But that underneath the feelings of missing her (the object), and then focusing on her good qualities; what I had been ignoring was the "Me" aspect.

I missed who I was before her. Before I had been cheated on. Lied to. Emotionally abused. Called horrible names. Until her, that had never happened.

That "ideal time", those first 12 months, when all was great and I was great and we were great and so in love; I loved her, AND me. But after 4 years of absolute torture and neglect, being dehumanized in so many ways; I was not the ideal me any more.

So, that said, I think it's important to try to get back, as best we can, to our old selves. We have to live with the choices we made, and try to find ways to learn from what happened. To find meaning, in why these things happened, for a reason, to teach us. But also, we need to live the life of who we are - or were, before it happened.

You said you've learned a lot about codependency, why you were attracted to her, etc; and thats good. But make sure you remember that the you before her was likely a whole lot healthier; taking out what you've learned now, than who you are now.

I guess to sum it up, I think a lot of us feel our innocence was taken from us, by someone who never deserved to have us in the first place. And idealizing the good times, and her, the ideal her, is perhaps the last memories you have- of yourself, when you actually liked yourself.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Minusone,



I'm glad you posted. These kinds of breakups leave so many of us emotionally reeling and scratching our heads in confusion. That certainly was the case for me. You are not alone in this struggle of understanding. 

I echo the other members' comments: maybe you miss the fantasy; the "perfect" lover who fulfills all your needs, and you hers. It's what we all crave as humans. Sometimes the mind  knows exactly what's up, but the feelings and body need time to catch up. Just allowing yourself to feel those feelings of missing her without judgment can help them to move on.

Have you found a way to give yourself what you were getting from the fantasy? Can you direct the compassion, understanding, empathy, and love that you were showering on your ex toward yourself when you are hurting, or ruminating? It can feel strange when we haven't had any practice, and when we are used to doing that for others as a way to get our own needs met. But the good news is we can learn.  I'm learning to be present for myself more; to treat myself (especially the child in me who needs love and care) with the same tenderness I express to others. I sometimes imagine myself as a 4 year-old who just wants to be held, talked softly to, told she is lovable and loved.

There are other ways to tap into that compassion for ourselves, e.g. spending time in nature, meditation, etc. 

What helps you stay present with yourself, Minusone?

Keep posting. It can really help to get things down in writing, and to hear other perspectives specific to your situation. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole