my bf ex had BPD and some more

[raindrop123]

hi everyone, I'm confused, concerned sadden and mad.
I stated dating my bf over a year ago. He told me a sad story (which is true) about the love of his life (ex-gf with BPD). He said he did herapy and he was over all of that.

When I met him he just had a 4 year Relationship with another girl, not the BPD one. And that was proof that he was over the BPD woman.

to my surprise, i discovered that he was dating her while he was dating me. This was just a day before i was to meet his parents for the first time. I did go on with the parents meeting, we talked about what went wrong. How uncommited he was to me at the time, cause he tought i was going to leave town for another job (not an excuse) and how sorry he was.

I forgave him, he went to therapy again, a couple of times, he promised not to have any contact with this woman and now we're still dating... .love him very much.

the problem... .

There hasn't been one single day that i haven't thought about this woman. I read the letters he wrote to her over a period of 3 years... .man oh man... .she's the best sex he's ever had, she's perfect, beautiful face, perfect legs (an other parts)... .how inteligent, brilliant, and successfull she is. HOw people gush over her, how other guys want to date her. How impossible has been for him to have that connection with someon else... .how sexy she was... .he wrote in one of the letters that he was never going to find someone like her. How perfect would his life be is she wasn't crazy.

when i'm eith him, i can't stop thinking about all of those things he wrote. I know the letteres were never meant for her or me to see... .but i did... .and he wrote the letteres before he even met me.

stil... .every day I torture myself with the thought of "am I sexy enough? how successfull should i be? is our sex great? does he thinks of her?, when she looks for him is he going to be trapped again? (cause she will be back, she's borderline stalker too).

I wish i had a day were i felt enough, where I didn't have to think about her and just live my life with him

is a Relationship like this doomed?

he sure loves me, i know his family, his friends, we've moved in together... .he said he wants a life with me, he wants to marry me (even tought he hasn't proposed).

When i'm the most happy I think "now that he doesn't expect it... .i will break up with him and hurt him"... ."they deserve eachother"... ."i wish i could see his face when in a detrimental moment i say i'm leaving you"... .I don't want to hurt him, but the thoughts mentionned above hunt me every day.

i think i'm going insane. i can't become a horrible person. But I have... .and her? I hate her... .how can someone hurt someone else that much? why be abusive? just take the damn pill and be ok!

she has never been diagnosed... .never... .and she has a super good job with the governement, so she's funcionnal when is convinient to her.

I don't know what to do... .stay? leave? keep Healing next to him? just come to terms with all that happened?

crazy... .i can only have pleasure in bed now if I imagine him havin sex with her... .i'm scared. I'm going nuts and I feel so not in control of my thoughts.

makes me sad... .all of it... .have no self esteem anymore?

just trying to understand... .sorry for the scattered thoughts and facts... .that's the state of mind right now.