Should I ask for help and strength to break up with this person?

[starfish4455]

After a year of evaluating whether I should marry my partner, I've never felt less like it is the right thing to do.

Last night my partner w traits of BPD got emotionally dysregulated again.

They have been in therapy for some time, and have made a lot of improvements. I've described the types of things this person has done in my previous posts. It is relatively minor compared to stuff on here, but it is still stuff.

Last night it meant constant sobbing and wanting to sleep on the couch, then insisting I sleep on the couch and literally blocking me from getting into bed to sleep.

About two weeks ago, my partner physically prevented me from leaving by taking my belongings and holding them in a closet with them.  After a time they recovered and were okay.

Over the fourth of July, we had this amazing backpacking trip into the woods. It was great, then we got back out and on the way home had a huge fight I'd prefer not to detail.

In between there have been loving, good times. I had a birthday and my partner made it such a wonderful day.

But I can't help but admit that the relationship is characterized by intermittent turmoil.

I've been posting here for a while, but I am finally mustering the courage truly end the relationship. I've tried a few times and gotten sucked back in. I just can't seem to do do it.

I'm worried because I live with this person, and I can't / don't want to give up the apartment. I need them to find another place and I know that we'll have to live together while that happens and I really don't want to be sucked in again.

I also feel some fear about having to start over. I know it could be a great thing, however, I've invested so much into this relationship and this person. They do know me and what I like.

However, I am afraid about what people say here, that it gets worse after marriage. I want kids and I'm afraid that this is going to plague me and them.

I'm just having trouble having the strength to put an end to this.

Is it worth keeping at this and trying to see if it can get to be much better?  Should I be talking with friends and family (for the second time) and ask for their help and strength to break up with this person?

[satahal]

Hi Starfish,
I'm far from an expert but having been in a relationship with a pwBPD for nearly a decade, my advice is to run - apartment or no apartment. It is one of the biggest mistakes of my life to have wasted these years on this relationship. My self-esteem is gone, most of my friends are gone, my kids have witnessed all kinds of acting out and abusive (emotional and verbal) behavior and now, I'm middle aged, unsure I can financial make it on my own (I walked away from a very successful business for the r/s. I'm rebuilding slowly). There are many reasonable people out there for you to meet down the road. These people rarely get better and you will spend so much of your precious energy managing their bad behavior and its effects.

[michel71]

We all struggle with the same things you do, the FOG, the getting sucked back in. WE all love these BPD people and have had hopes and dreams and try to forget the bad and start to trust again and then the cycle of abuse just starts over again.
I can tell you this absolutely and unequivocally:

1) IT GETS WORSE AFTER MARRIAGE> I thought it would get better. It sure as hell didn't.

2) IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN YOU ARE REALLY IN FOR IT> it is just another level of being tied to this person.

I am lucky because I only have #1 but it is worse than anything I could have imagined in my life and now I am 4 years in.

PLEASE save yourself!

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'm in 19 years married to a pwBPD traits.

Over time, things can get better - for the wrong reasons.  You will suffer, over and over.  You may be strong enough to get better over time.  To survive you will probably learn to be super-aware of your tone of voice, your words, your behavior.  You might be led along on a string of insidious manipulations and abuses that leave you in a fog of doubt.  Your flaws and faults, even the real ones - not imagined by your partner, will get magnified a thousand times larger than life, and then used for eternity as leverage against you. Or used to drum up guilt whenever your partner needs to assert more control.  You may be pushed to the very edge of wanting to live - not to mention wanting to live with your partner.

So, the good news is that if you are not destroyed, you will emerge a more refined sensitive person. One who who can have utmost compassion for people also in emotionally abusive relationships.  You will have learned to tip-toe around your partner's triggers. So much so that you do it subliminally, and didn't even notice it.  You should likely read as many psychology and self-help books as you can.  You should likely get some therapy visits in periodically in order to get a reality check on your mind and spirit after years of attacks.  You could potentially become more savvy and learned about human psychology and behavior. More so than you could even imagine right now.  

You might end up questioning your long held religious beliefs, and have long conversations with your creator.  That will be good for you in the end if you choose to do so.

A warning:  I believe that a large component of behavior is genetic.  If you have children with someone who has an innate abusive personality, and then, put that child to be raised by the same person with an abusive / malformed / dysregulated personality - it is almost certainly a risk that the children will exhibit malformed personality - confirmed by nature and nurture.  Then, each offspring might run the risk that they, in turn, raise abused and abusive children, and so forth - generations to come.

Anecdote:  If you board a train in a busy station, and then notice after one or two stops that the train is heading to the wrong destination, and you accidentally got aboard this one, will you stay and ride to the end of the line?  
Or, will you disembark and return to the station and board the correct train?  
Is it worth it even if you had to buy two tickets and the time it takes?

[Lucky Jim]

After a year of evaluating whether I should marry my partner, I've never felt less like it is the right thing to do.

Hey starfish, I suggest you listen to your gut feelings, as expressed above.  I was once in your shoes, ignored the red flags and proceeded to marry my BPDxW, which led to years of turmoil and unhappiness, as well as irreparable damage to two amazing kids who didn't deserve a broken marriage. As noted above, it wasn't pretty.  I went through the crucible of BPD, lost myself for a while there and emerged a different person, stronger but not unscathed.  I'm a lot happier today, but that happiness came at great personal expense.  My kids are estranged, sad to say, after brainwashing by my BPDxW.

Be thankful that you have spent only a year evaluating your r/s, rather than having endured a 16-year marriage.

LuckyJim

[Meili]

I'm going to offer a different perspective here... .

First, you're the only one who can tell you if you should stay or go. Before making that decision however, you probably need to ask yourself why you want to stay? Are you strong enough to stay? Are you willing to do the work necessary to give the r/s a chance?

HERE is an article about what it takes to be in a r/s with a pwBPD.

[michel71]

Starfish... .I would agree that you and only you can decide for yourself what is best.
You can learn much from this site and read all the articles on here but there is no substitute for experiencing things first hand. You can read how things can get better, what you can do to cope, tools, etc. etc.
The bottom line is that you are hearing from people here who REALLY have lived it.
All the articles in the world cannot truly prepare you for the hell that you will experience if you are already feeling it and if things don't get better.

I think the poster SAMWIZE said it best really. This will be your life. It may get better but from what I have read on the staying Board it is a constant uphill battle. You have to decide if you really want that for your life and how much of YOU you will need to put aside to deal with the emotions and behaviors of a person on the BPD spectrum. You have to decide if the incredible sacrifice you will make in the name of LOVE, is worth it for you.

I thought I could handle it. Slowly I lost myself. I have thought of just chucking it all ( a good career, a lovely house, good friends) and escaping to another state. I have thought of suicide or how I might just get sick and die because of health problems from dealing with the stress.

I am middle aged. I don't have more precious years to waste. All years are precious though. Please consider that.

[Meili]

The bottom line is that you are hearing from people here who REALLY have lived it.

Yes, but you also have to take their posts with the appropriate amount of salt. Many of the people who are saying that their r/s was a living Hell are viewing it from a position of lacking the tools and support to change the dynamics.

We can all make generalized statements about our experiences. But, I wonder, if pressed, how many of those who describe living in Hell could discuss their use of S.E.T., boundaries, validation and not invalidating, listening with empathy, conflict resolution, what they did to maintain their sense of self, etc.

Please do not get me wrong. I'm not saying that anyone didn't do all that they could to save their r/s. That's not what I mean at all. I just mean that we should all keep things in perspective.

I once thought that my r/s was a living Hell also. I discovered different ways of dealing with my x and I've had the best interactions with her that I've ever had. I realized how I was adding to the problems and actively made changes to alter the dynamic.

We may or may not ever salvage our r/s, but the Hell has disappeared. I'm not claiming that it will work for everyone, but at some point we all have to decide if we truly believe that it is worth a shot.

[michel71]

I agree.

I think that on the staying board you are going to get more posts about using the tools and how they are working and a lot more optimism. And hope.
 
On this Board you have people still weighing all of it. And perhaps more/better/improved use of the tools could certainly make things better. There are, however, some pretty glaring posts of people on this Board enduring and not doing well with a tremendous amount of emotional abuse, some having employed the tools to their best but with no definitive results and I think the responses weigh heavier on a reconsideration of not only the relationships but to what extent these people might need to save themselves.

On the leaving Board all bets are off and I would say that for the most part there is not a great degree of optimism for the relationship but wonderful responses of encouragement to live ones life authentically and healthfully without the BPD.

And, of course, many of us, myself included, have been on the various boards at various times as our relationships have ebbed and flowed. And that is the wonderful thing about this website... .that we can reach out and seek support wherever we find ourselves in this process.

[Meili]

I completely agree michel71.

Not all relationships can or should be saved. Sometimes we try as hard as we might and the r/s just doesn't work. I'm probably facing that now.

Yes, in many cases the posts are from people trying to save themselves. But, many of those posts generalize the disorder and the circumstances that people experience.

There is still some hope for those who still want to find it though. Even if they haven't committed to do what it takes to save these r/s. Understanding the options and the reality of it helps.

Yeah, the Detaching board is really the place where all optimism about the possible survival of the r/s belongs. It is much more difficult to detach when you are still wondering if you can make it work.

I would argue though that each of the boards encourages people to live their lives authentically and healthfully. That's an imperative no matter what the choice is.

[satahal]

I want to chime in that I do use the tools and have been for awhile. Even with the tools they become dis-regulated and you have to deal with it. The tools help but they aren't magical and they don't have much culmulative effect. You are starting from zero, or near zero, every time they have an episode.

These people aren't all the same. They come with various degrees of impairment, so your mileage may vary.

From my experience they don't necessarily get better. I have a 60 year old partner who's as reactive as can be. He stages scenes that are over the top and totally irrational. When he gets like that all the tools in the world don't work and I have to kick him out, which I can do because we aren't married and it's my home. I thank my lucky stars I didn't marry him or move in together.

It's like having another special needs child. It's exhausting.

So, yes, only you can decide but know it's going to be very hard. It's going to take time and resources away from other opportunities and interests, and, if you have kids, they will be greatly impacted.

[SamwizeGamgee]

So true.  Building a relationship, or a life with a PD person is like building on the sand.  A little time or trouble comes by, and it crumbles, and you are always starting over.  Or so it feels.

[adventurer]

Sure, go to the staying board, ask people about their successful managing of these relationships and find the best case relationship scenario of what two completely different people have been able to manage.

Or, trust your feelings and doubts and ask yourself why you are willing to keep going in a relationship with someone who is unhealthy, when there are much healthier and easy to deal with people out there.

When you say you've invested a lot of time, how much time? Google 'sunk cost fallacy'. Investing more emotions, effort and time in a lost cause, emotional black hole is the same as throwing good money after bad.

Yes yes yes... .reach out to your family and friends and much as possible, no matter what you decide to do. Especially if she has emotional abused and manipulated you to estrange you from this important support network.

And whether you break up or not, do NOT get married especially if you are having nagging doubts. TRUST YOURSELF AND YOUR FEELINGS.