Dealing with BPD is causing me to question my own Sanity

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've only posted on here sporadically since discovering this message board. I have been in a long term relationship with my significant other who has BPD (nearly ten years on and off). I realize that this dynamic is unhealthy and used to believe that if he addressed his alcoholism and depression our relationship would improve.
In the past year, following two years where we lived apart he has been to rehab for alcohol abuse 7 times. I live in a rent stabilized apartment and made the mistake of letting him stay with me. At first, I let him get away with not paying rent (as he moved back across the country with no job) and then as he had to leave for rehab each time. In the beginning, he is very committed to getting better and is a model student in rehab (often leading meetings) and receiving high marks of praise from his counselors. Shortly after his release, he probably lasts an additional 2 weeks before he relapses and I discover alcohol hidden in the house or he starts acting volatile or missing outpatient appointments. This is happening now after his latest release from rehab at the beginning of July.I was apprehensive about him returning to the apt but he was denied from most (medicaid) sober living facilities due to his BPD diagnosis.  I don't know what to do this time?
 I have made it very clear that not following through with outpatient means that he has to leave the apt. He was in the process of applying to a government funded PA program where but has not made it to the information session in the last 2 weeks (its only held once a week). In the past he's held out jobs, but now he completely manipulates or relies on me to give him money and becomes angry when I refuse. I have removed myself from my own apt and been staying with my mother so not to deal with his mood swings. I have called the police on numerous occasions in the past, but this is never a pleasant scenario as they don't understand my situation with him and despite attempts at changing the locks- he's gone so far as to climb into the house through the fire escape as the latch on the window is broken.
I told him that if he misses his outpatient treatment again (he has not shown up there in a week) then he would have to leave the apartment. He's 46 years old and highly functioning but has no money, no friends, and his family is on the west coast and not particularly involved or interested in taking him back. He's now refusing to answer my phone calls after raging and I don't know if it's because he's drinking or simply symptoms of his BPD but his lack of attendance at outpatient or effort to attend counseling on a consistent basis makes it almost impossible to deal with him. Feeling lost.

[Soozles]

I've only posted on here sporadically since discovering this message board. I have been in a long term relationship with my significant other who has BPD (nearly ten years on and off). I realize that this dynamic is unhealthy and used to believe that if he addressed his alcoholism and depression our relationship would improve.
In the past year, following two years where we lived apart he has been to rehab for alcohol abuse 7 times. I live in a rent stabilized apartment and made the mistake of letting him stay with me. At first, I let him get away with not paying rent (as he moved back across the country with no job) and then as he had to leave for rehab each time. In the beginning, he is very committed to getting better and is a model student in rehab (often leading meetings) and receiving high marks of praise from his counselors. Shortly after his release, he probably lasts an additional 2 weeks before he relapses and I discover alcohol hidden in the house or he starts acting volatile or missing outpatient appointments. This is happening now after his latest release from rehab at the beginning of July.I was apprehensive about him returning to the apt but he was denied from most (medicaid) sober living facilities due to his BPD diagnosis.  I don't know what to do this time?
 I have made it very clear that not following through with outpatient means that he has to leave the apt. He was in the process of applying to a government funded PA program where but has not made it to the information session in the last 2 weeks (its only held once a week). In the past he's held out jobs, but now he completely manipulates or relies on me to give him money and becomes angry when I refuse. I have removed myself from my own apt and been staying with my mother so not to deal with his mood swings. I have called the police on numerous occasions in the past, but this is never a pleasant scenario as they don't understand my situation with him and despite attempts at changing the locks- he's gone so far as to climb into the house through the fire escape as the latch on the window is broken.
I told him that if he misses his outpatient treatment again (he has not shown up there in a week) then he would have to leave the apartment. He's 46 years old and highly functioning but has no money, no friends, and his family is on the west coast and not particularly involved or interested in taking him back. He's now refusing to answer my phone calls after raging and I don't know if it's because he's drinking or simply symptoms of his BPD but his lack of attendance at outpatient or effort to attend counseling on a consistent basis makes it almost impossible to deal with him. Feeling lost.

[Icanteven]

Why do you feel lost?  You know exactly what you have to do, you're just not willing to do it.  Fix the latch and get a restraining order if you need to, but because he has been conditioned to believe that you will keep putting up with his behavior, unless you change the dynamic he's not going to change.

I'm sure he's wonderful when he's sober and emotionally regulated, which is why you've been with him for a decade, even if it's been on and off.  That said, you can't make him better and you know it. 

It hurts like hell to love someone and want only the best for them only for them to consistently engage in self-destructive behaviors, especially when we know what their potential can be if they could just get well.  Can he get well?  Will he for you? 

He has a choice:  therapy and rehab and you, or drinking.  He wants both.  Both shouldn't be on the menu.  I've known several women who've told their man "it's me (or us when children are involved) or the bottle," and I've known both outcomes to have occurred.  But, the men who chose their woman over drink are better men for it and are making it work, and the ones who didn't thank god they're not around any more.  You deserve to be happy too ya know.

[Soozles]

Why do you feel lost?  You know exactly what you have to do, you're just not willing to do it.  Fix the latch and get a restraining order if you need to, but because he has been conditioned to believe that you will keep putting up with his behavior, unless you change the dynamic he's not going to change.

I'm sure he's wonderful when he's sober and emotionally regulated, which is why you've been with him for a decade, even if it's been on and off.  That said, you can't make him better and you know it. 

It hurts like hell to love someone and want only the best for them only for them to consistently engage in self-destructive behaviors, especially when we know what their potential can be if they could just get well.  Can he get well?  Will he for you? 

He has a choice:  therapy and rehab and you, or drinking.  He wants both.  Both shouldn't be on the menu.  I've known several women who've told their man "it's me (or us when children are involved) or the bottle," and I've known both outcomes to have occurred.  But, the men who chose their woman over drink are better men for it and are making it work, and the ones who didn't thank god they're not around any more.  You deserve to be happy too ya know.

Yes, I know what to do. I have kicked him out of the apartment before only to cave after he's called me over and over or cried under my doorstep or laid in the hallway. I realize this is very manipulative behavior but I worry about what will happen to him when he's alone and whether he will then truly hit rock bottom.
He never leaves the apartment as he knows I am now waiting to kick him out. I really dislike calling the police bc they have him in their system due to his psych history and always send 20 police offers and emt workers to the house. I live in Chinatown and all of my neighbors are immigrants that don't speak the language and the entire ordeal - watching them take him out in handcuffs is frankly embarrassing. Especially since he is always released after a 24 hold in psych.
I guess I've become desensitized to the entire ordeal as I'm used to things being terrible and then his heroic efforts to win me back which always fall short. I realize that his illness has made my life unmanageable. Even when he has been sober, his emotional deregulation and mood swings can be daunting and then he usually needs several days to feel "normal."
I guess I just wish he would leave peacefully instead of putting up a fight or making a scene.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, I know what to do. I have kicked him out of the apartment before only to cave after he's called me over and over or cried under my doorstep or laid in the hallway. I realize this is very manipulative behavior but I worry about what will happen to him when he's alone and whether he will then truly hit rock bottom.

And this is intermittent reinforcement. He knows if he makes a big enough scene or one that lasts long enough, that you'll cave and let him back. I really get it. I did the same with my ex.

When it finally occurred to me that I had to get him out of my life forever, I had to harden my heart and not fall prey to his sad sack sympathy ploys. And it was really hard. In addition he had a history of threatening suicide if I ever broke up with him. From his violent temper and years of experiencing his rages, I thought that was a real possibility. Added to the equation, around the time I finally did end the relationship, the guy who lived across the road shot himself. So understanding what I was risking, I still ended the relationship.

As far as I know, he's still alive, years later. He threatened his next girlfriend with suicide threats and he was arrested for assaulting his new wife.

I got out. It was difficult and messy. I never once have regretted my decision.

[Verbena]

The title of your post really caught my attention.  I have finally gotten my H out of the house and our divorce is very close to being final. 

The peace I thought I would instantly have when he finally left didn't happen.  Instead, I had an emotional earthquake.  I had allowed over three decades of emotional abuse and the toll of that hit me hard. 

It was like a giant door began to very, very slowly close over the years.  With inches to spare, I squeezed through it just in time to the other side where my sanity--or most of it--was waiting on me.

Your situation sounds very serious.  Only you can make the decision to stay for more manipulation and abuse, hang on to the hope that things could be better, or save yourself while you can.   I know it isn't easy.  Look how long it took me to get out.  Our 34th wedding anniversary is this Sunday. 

[Cat Familiar]

Well, Verbena, you seem to have recovered from your "emotional earthquake" quite well. Definitely it's easier to pull the bandaid off quickly, once we realize it has to be done. Don't be surprised if there are some "aftershocks" ahead, but you've experienced the worst and you're on the way to stable ground!   

[MaybeSo]

Soozles, you have received amazingly accurate and helpful feedback on this thread.

Despite how embarrassing or uncomfortable, you have to call police, get him out, change locks, fix the broken latch. That doesn't mean you don't care about him, it means you are stepping out of the cycle of chaos that is keeping this dynsfunctional pattern going.

It's fine to worry about what will happen to him if you stop rescuing, but the damage being done WITH your rescuing is already well documented in your thread.  You can't rescue another adult.  When we keep taking that role, it points to work that WE need to do.

The way to avoid further chaos and dysfunction that is hurting both of you, is to turn your focus onto YOU and off of him.  It would be very appropriate for you to either get your own therapist or join a CODA or Alanon group and get very involved in healing yourself, because right now, the problem is really is with yours. 

Respectfully,

Recovering Codependent who has been there, done that.

[Soozles]

Soozles, you have received amazingly accurate and helpful feedback on this thread.

Despite how embarrassing or uncomfortable, you have to call police, get him out, change locks, fix the broken latch. That doesn't mean you don't care about him, it means you are stepping out of the cycle of chaos that is keeping this dynsfunctional pattern going.

It's fine to worry about what will happen to him if you stop rescuing, but the damage being done WITH your rescuing is already well documented in your thread.  You can't rescue another adult.  When we keep taking that role, it points to work that WE need to do.
 

Respectfully,

Recovering Codependent who has been there, done that.

Well, I started the process of ending this cycle tonight. I convinced him to come work for my mother at her house so he brought some of his belongings but he seemed "off" and suggested we go to a movie. At the movie, he was passing out in his chair, punching things and talking to himself. This was probably psychosis brought on by his drinking. He was then falling on the floor in the street so I managed to take back the keys without him noticing and then when he came to my mothers he passed out on the floor and I used that opportunity to call ems and have him removed.
Tomorrow morning I will go repair the latch and pack all of his belongings. Then the hard part begins. Is the best thing to do no contact or can I speak to him if he calls and tell him that he's no longer welcome at my home due to his using and lack of attendance at outpatient.

Thanks,
S

[satahal]

I don't know that it will matter much whether you go nc immediately or give him a heads up. Personally, I prefer to tell them once as concisely as possible and then block contact. If I don't give the one explanation I feel cruel but that's just me.

Brava to you for engineering his exit!

I'm also involved with an alcohol abusing pwBPD. He was removed by police just a few days ago and he's not allowed to contact me. I also blocked him on my phone just in case. It's hard to do this because it is so unnatural to end r/s this way, particularly longterm ones. But they are so manipulative and I'm so co-dependent.

Here's hoping for better days for us both.

[Soozles]

I don't know that it will matter much whether you go nc immediately or give him a heads up.

Here's hoping for better days for us both.

Thank you. I plan to start attending Al-Anon regularly, and seeking therapy for my codependent issues. I truly hope that he will get on the path to a true recovery, but I see that all the chances I have given him have actually just hindered his ability to recover.

[satahal]

I don't know that it will matter much whether you go nc immediately or give him a heads up.

Here's hoping for better days for us both.

Thank you. I plan to start attending Al-Anon regularly, and seeking therapy for my codependent issues. I truly hope that he will get on the path to a true recovery, but I see that all the chances I have given him have actually just hindered his ability to recover.

Welcome.

I couldn't say if you've hindered him. I don't know that we can truly alter their courses. Maybe losing enough, experiencing enough pain will cause change/recovery. My guy seemed to have "gotten it" so many times. He actually stayed off booze for 4 months a few years ago and it was glorious. He was calmer, more open, healthy - the rage and paranoid jealous was seemingly gone. I was so happy and hopeful and then he slid back to it.

I felt for a time like being with me was bad for his health - like he had to drink to tolerate our life but I know that's not true. He's got demons. I don't have 9 more years I want to give to his demons.

Good luck - hopefully, I'll see you around here.

[Cat Familiar]

I plan to start attending Al-Anon regularly, and seeking therapy for my codependent issues. I truly hope that he will get on the path to a true recovery, but I see that all the chances I have given him have actually just hindered his ability to recover.


No, you are not responsible for his ability to recover or his choice not to. When you're codependent, it's easy to take too much responsibility for other's choices. (Been there, done that!)

That his family is not involved or particularly interested in helping probably is due to him burning out their patience with his behavior in the past. And not having friends is likely a consequence of how he has treated others.

In my ex-husband's case, he was really good at finding bandaids (women who would feel sorry for him and help him out) and he would use them until they got the picture. Somehow these people figure out how to survive and part of their strategy is to be really sweet and understanding and tell a heart-rendering story about how they've been betrayed by the ones closest to them. I've fallen for it a couple of times and voila--two BPD husbands! The second one is a nice guy, however.

[MaybeSo]

but I see that all the chances I have given him have actually just hindered his ability to recover.

I think we sometimes, for our own reasons and without ill intent, interrupt a persons opportunity for corrective experiences or we prevent "natural consequences" ... .with our repeated rescuing and fixing efforts... .and while we have no way of knowing how a person may grow from a corrective experience or not... .the truth is we ourselves get sick along the way in doing so.  Bottom line, Your wellbeing is at least as important as his, AND it's the only wellbeing you have any real control over.  You can rescue yourself, small children and animals.   But not him. He has to do that.  We don't know if he ever will learn to take care of himself or not.   We don't have control over that.

Good job moving forward in taking care of yourself!