Difficult day - BPD ex still engaging with guy she left for me

[Edward1981]

Hi all,

Have now been no contact for two and half months. Some days are easier than others, today is a tough one which is why am here. The depression has creeped back on me, and the desire to get in touch with her.

She was dating a guy for 4 years and left him for me. She is now liking all his pictures on instagram and Facebook and clearly trying to keep him hooked. I can see the big picture and can see that it will only lead to more pain in the long-run yet i seem to be comparing myself to the guy and feel slightly jealous that he still getting love bombed and i am completely out of mind out of sight. Having said that she knows I won't tolerate her bs which is why she is probably not contacting me but going to the comfort zone for a guy she was with for 4 years, who is NPD, whose whole life depends on her supply.

Please give me support and directions.

Thanks,

Edward1981

[heartandwhole]

Hi Edward1981,

I'm sorry that today is so difficult. There can be a lot of ups and downs in the detaching process. I'm glad you reached out for support. 

It's really understandable to feel a bit jealous and hurt when you see the affection between your ex and her new boyfriend. You are probably right; they are likely in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. And that is hard to see when one is grieving.  Those feeling are telling you that, more than anything, you need your attention right now.

Exposing yourself to her social networking activities can keep you stuck. I'd recommend taking a break from checking her updates.  Do you think you can do that, Edward1981?

Since you are NC and your ex is with someone else, you have a window of opportunity here to recover and get strong again. Don't waste it by dwelling on what can't be at the moment. Use it to become an even better man than you were before—having learned a really hard lesson and coming out thriving. 

What is the biggest challenge for you as you work toward detachment, Edward?

heartandwhole

[Edward1981]

Thank you for your response.

Actually the guy who she is idealising is the same guy she had left for me. They had dated for 4 years before so there was clearly a stronger attachment with him than me.

The social network is the only thing that still has us tied together, am having a tough time not checking because that would mean totally letting go, and idea which scares me at this stage. i am not as emotionally charged when I think of the relationship as i have done quite a lot of grief work with my therapist, but the obsessional thoughts are still there.

I have never had anyone enter and exit my life so abruptly, someone who has shared my deepest core with and whom i blindly trusted.

Days like today I feel like getting in touch but I am wise enough to know that I am not going to get what I NEED. So i let the thought pass and just get on with my day with the hope that one day that desire will not be there.

[pjstock42]

If it's at all possible for you, I would recommend disengaging on any and all forms of social media. I know that morbid curiosity is there and that it's incredibly powerful but just think about how you're feeling now as a result of seeing this and think about how any subsequent look into her life via the lens of social media will make you feel this way again.

[gotbushels]

Hi Edward1981 

No contact for two and a half months? Well done on what you set out to do. Yes, there are tough days and less tough days. Occasionally you will find that you'll have this odd creeping and leaving sadness. During some of these times, you will feel like getting in touch with her--that feeling is okay.

I encourage you to follow the thoughts of heartandwhole. 

I encourage you to follow your thoughts about what it's going to give you and not going to give you. That "need" you identified, I think is important. I add that her using a previous boyfriend is quite an obvious way to see her choices regarding drama and going back to what didn't seem to work. That's one way to look at it.

[Edward1981]

Feeling crappy again tonight. It seems to get worst in the evenings where cravings to want to contact her kick in. I guess I am having a hard time letting go of the relationship and realise the whole thing was an illusion. It sounds surreal.

And I feel that every day that goes by, she forgets about me more and more easily as borderline a have an ability to do that.

In the meantime, she is still idealising the guy she left to be with me. She said that they kept arguing and their relationship was constant turmoil. I am extremely saddened by that, I feel betrayed. Do you guys think that it would ever work out between them without intense therapy?

[SoMadSoSad]

Feeling crappy again tonight. It seems to get worst in the evenings where cravings to want to contact her kick in. I guess I am having a hard time letting go of the relationship and realise the whole thing was an illusion. It sounds surreal.

And I feel that every day that goes by, she forgets about me more and more easily as borderline a have an ability to do that.

In the meantime, she is still idealising the guy she left to be with me. She said that they kept arguing and their relationship was constant turmoil. I am extremely saddened by that, I feel betrayed. Do you guys think that it would ever work out between them without intense therapy?

Do you think it will work?

[heartandwhole]

Edward1981,

I'm sorry you are feeling crappy. It's so understandable. And I can imagine at night how strong the craving is. The only way out is through, as you know. Are you still looking at social media? Is it time to put down the Ding Dong?

Do you guys think that it would ever work out between them without intense therapy?

Not likely, Edward1981, but there is no way to know. The important thing is, what about you? 

I am extremely saddened by that, I feel betrayed.

This is where the goldmine is. I know it's hard to do. But focusing on their relationship and how it will turn out will keep you stuck. Exploring your feelings about yourself related to that is where your healing lies.

You can do this. We're here for you.

heartandwhole