little nice moments

[Gorges]

Hello,
If you have followed my posts you will see that this summer my 18 year old daughter was disrespectful in front of a church in Italy after she couldn't enter because she was wearing shorts.   She is border line BPD and I realize that my problems are more minor than others, but trust me we have had some real moments of worry and craziness.

The other day when she was going to work at a summer camp, she asked several times for my husband's and my opinions on her outfit.  "Is this appropriate? Are you sure?" I guess because she was wearing spaghetti straps and not the normal t-shirt.

Wow, what a difference, I thought... .

On another note, I gave her a bottom line for living with us. No verbal or physical abuse and I was specific about what this looks like.  I am not unified with my husband on this as he does not agree that she should have to leave the house.  However, if he can't back me up, I will leave.  I have told him he doesn't need to argue and convince me of his point of view and vice versa.  All on other topics of parenting her, he can do it his way.   I have not told her about my back up plan.   I have decided that my family is better to be healthy apart than together and dysfunctional.   I think this would be healthier for my son and my daughter.  She has extended family that will take her in and she is respectful when she is living with them.

My peace at this decision is nice.  It might be the end of my marriage but so be it.   My husband could also choose to back me up.  For some reason, I am okay living in this unknown area.

As others pointed out, I don't want to "walk on eggshells" and plan my day so that she doesn't blow up. 

She is fairly high functioning.  She is going to college in 2 weeks and not connecting with a former dysfunctional friend group. I have also not found any signs of her smoking marijuana.  But, we have also been down the road of hopeful behavior before and seen things go downhill.   

I am just enjoying the moment for now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi Gorges

I remember your holiday post well and thought about you earlier this week.

We're on a family holiday at the moment. It's going really well in that there's bonding going on. It's a road trip so the changes that brings helps keep us all talking etc.

We had an embarrassing moment with BPDs25 on a whalewatching trip. I'd given both of my sons the opportunity to opt out of this trip as it was an early start and I was so glad that I did this.  It was supposed to be a 4 hour trip but got extended as they decided to take us to a better watching spot. Bpds didn't handle this change in plan very well at all. He sat at the back of the boat feeling unwell. I left him a while but decided I should at least check up on him so went down to see him. He started to rant at me swearing and threatened to pass out as he felt this would make the captain turn back. Everybody was hearing him and me.  My BPDs doesn't rant normally. I suggested a few things but he contradicted everything I said. After 5 minutes I left him alone. Then we entered whaletopia and I saw him watching.  My youngest 15 sat inside thoroughly bored (or so I thought!). 

My H and I talked about how we would be best dealing with the pair of them after the trip. We started to get things out of perspective but reeled ourselves back in. We'd gone on a half day trip and both of our sons didn't enjoy it - big deal.  We'd presumed they'd be moaning like hell but when we got off the boat they were absolutely fine and could laugh about the experience. My BPDs said "I just needed to vent mum".

To be fair, he hadn't slept well, we had to race there and eat while walking fast, hadn't smoked weed for four days (still hasn't) and was seasick so it's not surprising he found the trip challenging.  I learnt a valuable lesson too. 

I'm really pleased that your daughter has learnt from the "dressing" experience.  You talk a lot about other bigger issues going on in your life. many years ago I decided to leave my husband so I know something of what you're going through. I went to a solicitor who asked me "why do you want a divorce?". A simple question that I found very difficult to answer.

I can feel myself building up to a bottom line myself with BPDs after we get home. I learn from others here.

I admire your wisdom in enjoying the moment you're in. I'll keep trying to do that on our holiday - we're all enjoying it but it's day by day.

Hugs

[wendydarling]

Hi Gorges

I recognise your journey with your daughter, to move forward, enjoy nice moments, joint understanding. I'm a single parent and have worked for 28 years with her father, it's been tough, I continue to do my best, he is egotistically caring and is very clumsy. My second child! He is in pain and never asks for help, till I ask him to walk with me and our daughter.

Our family visited Venice in 1966, I was 6 and my eldest sibling 18, she was also refused entrance and changed into a dress my father bought for her from a local market, she changed to her dress behind the beach towels we held up to protect from public eyes. My sister felt humiliated, as any woman would, we helped her through.

Glad you are here and working through the best.

WDx