update on quiet Bpds

[Lollypop]

Hi

It's been 6 months since BPDs25 returned home. I thought it would be good to reflect and evaluate on here. I'm realising that I'm an analytical thinker and it really helps me.

In the early weeks we removed all stresses from Bpds. He was in a bad way following a period of crisis. We were patient and kind but my old behaviours reared as I tried to force him to apply for jobs - first boundary introduced Xmas eve as we refused to give him any more money. He got very low and I tried to force treatment but did manage to get a mental health assessment referral which he has never attended. It took three weeks without any money before he sought casual work. He now works regularly between 3-5 days per week. Regular as clockwork in a Sunday he does his invoices that shows me he can organise his affairs when it suits him.  I tried to get him to save but this failed. I then introduced a weekly financial contribution to his living expenses and he has successfully paid for two months. I've been gently encouraging him to save (he earns quite a lot of money) but he doesn't. Apart from £25 weekly rent all his money is spent on leisure activities predominantly food and weed.

Bpds has recently Entered into a small phone contract. This is big news and he hasn't had a commitment like this for 5 years.

Relationships have significantly improved in the house across us all. It's relaxed and we are having a big family holiday at the end of July. This will be the last holiday that we will pay for him but we felt it was a very important opportunity to help solidify the relationship between my H and sons. My H has struggled but is learning how to validate well etc. By watching me.

Bpds has a girlfriend and for the first time ever he brings her home often, about 3 or 4 times per week. She's settling in and they seem to be getting on very well. Bpds is happy and stable.

I'm very aware of my own behaviours. I sometimes doubt what I'm doing here. Am I avoiding the confrontation? I'm striving to get him to take responsibility for himself but at an easy pace, a pace that suits his circumstances. Logic tells me that as long as I stay the course and ensure that I ramp it up I will get to the point that Bpds is handing over equivalent (or near) to rent on a flat.

I spoke with Bpds the other day about savings. When I questioned him about the amount of money he spends he replied "I only stick to weed mum, I'm stable and happy. What's more to say, you should be happy". I let it go but immediately realised that he won't change himself unless he's uncomfortable.

Thinking about what to do next. I think he should be saving and I want to introduce £25 per week from the beginning of June. Thinking about this, this morning I could feel my anxiety rise in my stomach but it wasn't anywhere near as high as it used to be. It told me though that I need to stay strong And very aware of the thin line between enabling, support and not treating him like an adult.

I'm very fed up with his underpants and sock situation but I will stay quiet. The old me would have given in and bought him new clothes.

I keep on learning through my reading and forum.

Looking for reassurance, are we doing ok? Or am I being foolish?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

I'm not experienced in any way , I'm still a baby learning my first steps in handling what has now become a life I never believed would ever exist for my family . But for what it's worth I think you are doing an amazing job and stick to your gut instincts with what you think needs to happen to keep your son moving forward with the ability to manage his own financial matters xxx

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollypop

It's wonderful to see the progress you have made in the last six months with all your hard work. As you often say, you work at improving the environment to provide the baseline of stability from which your son can find his way to live and he has responded taking on some important responsibilities, regular work, invoicing, paying rent etc, you have changed your behaviour and family are responding. Are you doing the right thing?  I think you are, addressing the end game for BPDs to live independently, with confidence through learning  ... .keep on your path if that still feels right.  You chose to not chuck him out, instead to walk with him for a while. I share the same approach as you and recognise you inviting people to question your path, are you doing the right thing?

We have come a long way from where we were. 

WDx 

PS - saving is good, have you practised how to communicate?

[Lollypop]

Thank you both for replying.

I guess I'm hit with self doubt now and again. I have to pinch myself sometimes as things are just so much better. It's hard to guage between what I can move him forward with, what I should move him forward with and what actually is his responsibility. It's a juggling act.

I set out to focus on better communication in the family to help improve relationships. This is working. Also financial management is a key priority as this will be key to him living independently in the longer term.

He will be resistant to saving as he will have less to spend on weed. I also really struggle with us enabling but I know a lot of people use MJ to stay stable. I just hate it and this is a compromise I make.

Thanks for reading

L

[wendydarling]

Keep pinching yourself Lollypop, its real

I have no idea what weed costs, you seem to be saying finance is spent on weed apart from rent and that is causing you to question where you go from here as it's his medication to keep well.

Your aim is for him to live independently at some point in 2017, he has talked with you about independent living

in a local town and also unrealistic dreams.

While I also live day by day I'm also looking to the future like you, to peel my daughter to independent living - which in London is a nightmare for all our families due to rising cost.  I'm hoping DD considers a move to the north. Realistically and I'm very sad to say in the long term London - her home city may not be kind to her.

DD is recovering well from her hospitalisation in February, she focuses on day by day  ... .at some point in the summer it's time for me to look at my longer term goals. To be honest I think she maybe relieved to have that conversation, to talk about independence.

Last month DD earned £1,400 (she is now self employed - it's not a constant figure, it's the most so far)

She says £400 is put aside for tax and national insurance into a savings account - I hope! If not next year will be interesting.

£250 a month rent and evening dinner (in the real world rent and bills plus dinner is £900+)

DD buys food for the house, fruit, her cereal joiuand her lunches, snacks for home or work

£100 a month - repaying her student loan (£10k fees)

£130 a month ticket to travel on London transport, plus taxis when she does not feel well.

xx for contact lenses, dentist, yoga

£60 for medications, vitamins, lush bombs that she says help her to relax when she is anxious etc

£40 for her phone

She's saved by not spending on drinking and smoking cigarettes, though on patches since October. She's turned a corner, working out her priorities. As of this month we both have our monthly budget on the kitchen wall, DD responds to visual images and helps her focus which she has struggled with over the last year, her calendar is also on the wall 

Through the crises over the last year I see she is maturing and trying to do the right thing for her.

Bit of a budget ramble ... .to live independently she knows she has to make more changes. 

Not sure if that's useful. Have you considered raising the rent instead of savings, one has to cover a real rent, then one can save... .

WDx

[Lollypop]

Thanks WD

That's really useful. It's interesting to see that you too are balancing with timing. The prospect of a move northwards is a big deal. I know you've family and presumable friend connections "up north". As she's freelance I guess she can live anywhere so the worlds her oyster so to speak.

Bpds25 doesn't want a life living locally in a flat, never has. He wants another kind of life, one where he has no ties and can be free to travel. That's just not realistic: he saves nothing and therefore he never gets anywhere.

There's been some developments. His GF has deferred her uni place until 2017. I was very relieved to hear this was because of advice from her Dad rather than because of my BPDs. Bpds is obviously very pleased about her not whisking off to uni though. They are official relationship on FB this week which does make me think it's all about BPDs and I'm a little concerned but will say nothing. She's a lovely girl. Her dad says she's not ready for that academic step up. She works and saves herself and most probably has plans herself of how she wants to spend her gap year, he'll join in.

Bpds earns about £1400 cash pm. He hasn't registered self employed. Rent is £25 pm. Phone is £5 pw. He spends all his money. I thought he was smoking a spliff a day £10. The figures just don't add up as he doesn't spend any money on clothes, little on transport (say £5 pw). I can't believe the rest is spent on food as he eats at home a lot these days. So I'm worried about the level of weed. He insists he doesn't do any other drugs, there's no evidence of codeine packets  etc.

I could increase his rent but was thinking it might be best for him to get a feeling of seeing a small nest egg grow or having the freedom (as its his money!) to have the opportunity to buy new equipment he desperately needs for work, save for a trip with GF or use it when we have a family trip. Im moving back into my old controlling territory and am a bit disappointed he hasn't decided to put some aside himself as he's awash with cash. He's progressed in so many ways and I really was hoping he'd decide this himself.

I caved in yesterday and ordered new underpants and socks. They'll arrive today.  It bothers me: his underpants are secondhand from God only knows where and XL, he's a 28 waist. I was planning on giving them as a gift and tell him about my wishes for him to make this next step.

I won't tell him that his rent will increase again at some point later in the year. I'm ramping it up.

What's your thoughts?

L

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollypop

My thoughts? I understand your wish to move forward with your life, you have and you are. 

Do you think it would be helpful to consider your future rather BPDs at this point?  Have you and H planned for your retirement in four years time? What does that mean for your BPDs, will you sell up and move from the family home, downsize, go to the coast ... .  what does retirement mean in terms of change for you, H and the boys? I recognise you have son15 to fly the nest and that does not stop you and H planning.  Have you thought that planning your future and communicating to BPDs may help him think ahead about his future in a different way, you and H are flying the nest. The nest will be no longer his to perch on. You can raise in a gentle way your aspirations, bit of a drip, drip, drip ... .to prompt him to think and talk about his independent plans. 

Alarm bells ring for me that your son may take you down, GF is around for the next year and he will live a life of riley, use his money for her gap year travels and when she is gone ... .its all back to you.

Keep focused on your path for you, he may walk with you on your road less travelled.

WDx

PS I'm analytical too, it's ok!

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

I have my own plans, next two years at a local college with my third year at one of the local cities for my honours degree. I will continue on my own spiritual and personal growth with my interests and new friendships I'll make along the way. Thank god for student and maintenance loans. I've just discovered that my original 24+ loan will be wiped clean as I've decided to progress and I'll receive a £1000 as a grant from the college. I'm going to buy myself a laptop and use the rest towards trips - one is Rome! I'm very excited.

I'll be juggling this with supporting H with the small family business and my youngest doing his GCSEs and A levels. I've no idea how this will work and I'm sure there'll be stressy bits. We talk about our own goals and retirement and Bpds has returned to this ever changing and positive environment.

He's improving but resistant to each new step as I nudge him along. I tell myself, even if he leaves, fails and returns OR doesn't leave in the next three years there will be a natural point when my youngest goes to Uni. This is just before H retires. Yes, you're right - stay focussed on ourselves and he'll walk alongside us.

I'm starting to realise that financial management is the key problem.

I spoke yesterday about the need to save. He got stressy, it wasn't the right time as he'd had a bad afternoon at work, was tired and hungry. I didn't pick my moment right. However, he did say "I'm working full time now and I know I should be saving some but I don't want amounts or dates, I can't do this right now".  I let it drop but will raise it again next week hopefully at the right time.

I find I don't react when faced with his resistance. I still have to build myself up though to have the conversation in the first place but I'm getting better.

Thanks WD for your support.  I'm truly inspired by your daughters guts and determination to get herself better. You're so right about having our own lives and good mental health.

Balance in all things.

L

[wendydarling]

Hi Lollypop - thanks for your support too  A balance in all things, thank you I like that statement I find it comforting.

I'm so pleased to hear your two year student loan has been wiped clean, you deserves a break!  I like how you explain the three year horizon, a natural point and what happens till then is life and a very exciting one for you! 

Even though your son was stressy he acknowledged 'I know I should be saving' ... .'I can't talk about it now', meaning I'm open to talk about this another time ... .That's encouraging for both of you.  I'm still learning to understand what my daughter can do under her own steam and where she struggles and why, it feels like a very large jig saw puzzle with tiny pieces, some of which do not fit. eg ability to work out the process of choosing and ordering herself a new bed, for some reason appears to be a difficult task, it's not the finance as her dad is paying for it.  Yes, the dump of a bedroom no longer lives in our home, she cleared it out and is keeping it clean, dusting and hovering is a new activity    I'm coming to the conclusion she gets easily exhausted and difficult things take longer to work out how to do, or go down the priority list but not forgotten, always on her mind.  So for now she is sleeping on her old mattress on the floor. I hope the savings conversation goes well, it'll be interesting for you to hear his ideas and what goals he sets himself now he is open to the conversation taking place.   

Daughter suffered depression this last week, first time since being on the new meds in March, it's been a struggle for her. Especially work, though she was able to make the decision to take a couple of days from work and that seems to have helped.  I've yet to catch up with her to see how that last few days have been ... .we have been ships in the night, not really at home the same time. She is not home from a night out yesterday. Of course I jump to the conclusion she has lapsed and drinking... .route to previous self harm. That is unfair of me to think that after all her hard work.  Time for me to put my fear aside. Ah, she's arrived home while I'm writing this ... .in happy, happy mood, popped home to take her meds then off again to meet friends for a walk  My old habits die hard ... .it's all mine not hers.   ... .  I need to work harder at moving on ... .because she is doing great!

Good luck with your conversation when it happens. Meanwhile have a great weekend.

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

Problems choosing a new bed. I find this fascinating. Beds are our usual place of sanctuary and comfort. It's not often we get a new bed so a big decision! I wonder if her challenge is too much choice, fear of choosing the wrong one or maybe even that she feels she doesn't deserve it. I always say if I can't make a decision I just haven't got enough information yet, maybe she wants the absolute perfect bed. Ah, just had a thought, perhaps this is about her losing her old bed? The last thing to go after her clear out?

I understand exactly how you feel when your daughter is out doing her thing. Old habits do die hard. I think it must take a very long time to completely be confident (if ever) and to not have any doubts. As you pointed out to me, there's an alternative to watching and waiting for a fall by focussing on ourselves. Little things may happen and you just get that niggle don't you. My mind starts working overtime, I convince myself that I've got the situation all wrong. I think the worst. I try and tell myself "well, if he's (doing such and such) it'll soon become apparent, best to try and not worry as it really is out of my control".  Much easier said that done!

Have a great weekend WD. Gardening for me tomorrow and redesigning a suspension piece for my end of year project (title: spiritual growth: changing behaviours). It's ace, even if I say so myself!

L

[sparkles mom]

Hello, it's a been a while.  BPDd16 returned home to us after 4 months at RTC.  She "completed" their program, they knew she wasn't ready for discharge but they let her go.  Before we even got home from the five plus hour drive, the RTC was calling about a problem.  She left a letter for a male staff that she was wanting to have relations with.  seriously!  The staff just realized they had been played.  I'm her mother, I don't make these things up, why don't they listen to parents.  Her charm and charisma make me look like mean bully of a mother until she plays them and they realize it. 
So here we are 6+ weeks since discharge.  Some small struggles but no major stressors due to summer vacation flexibility.  I'm off five weeks in the summer too.  Thought things were going pretty smooth till last weekend.  She hijacked electronics AGAIN and was communicating with staff from RTC.  40 y/o male staff, explicit sexual conversations... .after discovery she attempts suicide again.
4th trip to ER, admitted to psyc hospital.  My question to her therapist "is this because of crazy or is intentional?"  In her dialogue she says several times that she know ps this risky, trouble if she gets caughts, etc... .he coaches her how to hide and delete "evidence". 
Therapist says a lot of this is intentional.  Says I should be hurt, betrayed, and mad.  Finally!
Now BPDd16 tells hospital staff she doesn't want to live with us.  She wants to live group home-because at home she has no control, no privacy, no freedom, not treated as our equal. 
It's more like her parents have no control of their own lives. I hate it when a therapist asks her "what could your parents do to make things better for you at home?"

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Sparkles Mom, good to hear from you, yes it's been a while, though so sorry to hear your latest news, ER. 

I hear your frustration and I am glad the therapist was able to validate your feelings. The journey is not linear and I regularly find myself at a point of 'self-regrouping' reflecting what I have learned so far and what I need to change, my approach, next steps.  Did you take part in family sessions at RTC and if so, did you find them helpful? My daughter is 27 so I'm not provided family support. However I am practising DBT skills for myself, my leading by example has provided her so much comfort that I understand her journey and how hard it is to live with BPD and what she needs from me to recover. It's brilliant.

Goodness who is this man at the RTC coaching your daughter ... .to hide evidence?  Have they taken action against him? I'd be livid too! I'm so sorry, after all your efforts ... .aggh!

Taking five weeks off is wonderful SM, will you take time to take good care of you, despite all.  We do need to take care of us first.

There are many parents here who have 16-18 year olds, going through what you are, you are not alone Sparkles. Hang in here with us, when is your daughter being discharged?

WDx

[sparkles mom]

Planning for discharge on Monday if weekend goes well.  Staff member from RTC has been fired and charges are pending.  She's 17 next month. 

[wendydarling]

I hope things go smoothly for you next week. Pleased to hear the man is being charged and fired. 

Was your daughters action intentional, is a good question, one I have often struggled with. My understanding from my daughter is she dysregulates in situations where she is unable to regulate her emotions and deal with the stress situation at hand. Yes in some circumstances she made the wrong choices that lead to crisis. She does not want to self harm but it's been her coping mechanism of choice to relieve the immense pain she feels for so long that she is turning round slowly through learning and practising DBT skills, working out the right choices, getting the meds right. What kind of outpatients treatment has your daughter received since discharge from RTC, you say the first weeks were relatively smooth? I hope the therapist is able to work with your daughter in understanding her recent poor choice, her responsibility. Small steps.

Take care of yourself Sparkles, you are doing great and yes sometimes it just gets too much doesn't it and I understand how you feel, you are not alone. 

WDx