Is this just BPD tactics, or a bad lawyer?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

When it became clear that we were headed for divorce, my uBPDh decided on his own to cut me down to an "allowance", before I had even filed. He makes really good money; I am a SAHM and have a side sewing business, which doesn't bring in much. He is living at a friends house, no bills, company car and phone, he doesn't even pay for the gas in his car. I am left in our home with ALL the bills to pay, (I have always paid the bills, he can't manage money) and all I have is less than half his check, which doesn't even cover the house payment, or anything else. It is a constant struggle to get the bills paid. I have to borrow money from my parents. Our initial provisional hearing didn't result in an agreement, and since then, I have still had to struggle every. single. week. All efforts to get him to deposit more money are met with roadblocks... .first is was because they were asking for statements, then it was arguing about my DD's car (He wants to sell it). So every proposal is met with counter-proposals and requests for me to produce *whatever*. Meanwhile, I have borrowed over $400 from my parents just to meet basic needs and pay bills. And I am still behind almost $400 more. We finally have a second provisional hearing this week, 5 weeks after the first one... .5 weeks of this constant struggle.

So my question is... .has my lawyer really done enough to try to get me more money? Or are these constant back-and-forths a typical BPW tactic? This is my first divorce (his second) and I am also very new to the world of pwBPW. So I can't tell who is "to blame" here, my lawyer or my husband? I have spent almost $6000 on lawyer fees (on a credit card, which is killing me), and I am still trying to make it on what HE decided he's going to give me!

I appreciate any help!

[PennyDreadful]

When it became clear that we were headed for divorce, my uBPDh decided on his own to cut me down to an "allowance", before I had even filed. He makes really good money; I am a SAHM and have a side sewing business, which doesn't bring in much. He is living at a friends house, no bills, company car and phone, he doesn't even pay for the gas in his car. I am left in our home with ALL the bills to pay, (I have always paid the bills, he can't manage money) and all I have is less than half his check, which doesn't even cover the house payment, or anything else. It is a constant struggle to get the bills paid. I have to borrow money from my parents. Our initial provisional hearing didn't result in an agreement, and since then, I have still had to struggle every. single. week. All efforts to get him to deposit more money are met with roadblocks... .first is was because they were asking for statements, then it was arguing about my DD's car (He wants to sell it). So every proposal is met with counter-proposals and requests for me to produce *whatever*. Meanwhile, I have borrowed over $400 from my parents just to meet basic needs and pay bills. And I am still behind almost $400 more. We finally have a second provisional hearing this week, 5 weeks after the first one... .5 weeks of this constant struggle.

So my question is... .has my lawyer really done enough to try to get me more money? Or are these constant back-and-forths a typical BPW tactic? This is my first divorce (his second) and I am also very new to the world of pwBPW. So I can't tell who is "to blame" here, my lawyer or my husband? I have spent almost $6000 on lawyer fees (on a credit card, which is killing me), and I am still trying to make it on what HE decided he's going to give me!

I appreciate any help!

[DoxieLover]

Hi Penny,   

Not sure how it works where you live but generally, you should be able to get temp orders ASAP which require him to continue to pay the bills while your divorce is pending. Most states don't allow a soon to be ex-spouse to reduce the quality of life (i.e. - through not paying the bills he/she previously paid).  That said, of course there is not enough money to support two households unless you or your ex gets a huge salary increase so at some point you will likely have to sell your house or move somewhere cheaper but you shouldn't have to do that at this point.  At any rate, definitely check with your lawyer to see what is customary where you live but from what I've seen and heard, generally a spouse is not allowed to reduce the standard of living while the divorce is pending. And depending on how long you were married and where you live, you may also qualify for some spousal support to help you get back on your feet during and after the divorce.

Hope this helps!
Take care,
 Doxie 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey PennyDreadful: 

I just wanted to share my first situation with a lawyer.  I'm in the middle of a trust dispute with my uBPD sister, as we are co-trustees on our parent's trust. (both parents recently passed).  Legal situations can be unpleasant with anyone, but disputes with high-conflict people with BPD traits can just drag on and on.  It can be hard to understand, but it seems that wasting money becomes irrelevant to them.  They take an unreasonable position and won't let go.  The lawyer fees can add up fast, and lawyers have no power, without a court ruling.

Might want to get with your lawyer and set some ground rules.  My lawyer was charging me for things she couldn't remember the specifics about. Mine is even charging me, when I inquire about the bill line items.  I learned that one line-item on the bill was for some form of contact with opposing council for $200, but the lawyer couldn't tell me if it was a phone call or an email.  Then, there was a few hundred more for research on a matter that I deemed premature and not necessary for dueling demand letters.

It has appeared to me that as long as you feed the kitty with your credit card, the lawyer just keeps on going and going, with charges adding up.  You might want to pay close attention to your bill and what you are being charged for.  I've learned the hard way that I need to be copied on all correspondence with opposing council, as I spend $2000 for a 2-paragraph letter that did not represent what I wanted.

Perhaps some activity could be reigned in.  Might want to have a discussion on ways to keep the cost down, if possible.   
There may be cost-conscious lawyers out there, but I know I don't have one.

Best wishes to get thing resolved soon.



 

[david]

My first attorney billed me for everything. If I called she actually had a time clock and billed me for each minute. She wasn't very good either and that took me a while to figure out because I didn't know "how the game is played". I finally found another lawyer. He charges a lot per hour but he doesn't charge for phone conversations and a lot of other things. He is much less expensive even though his hourly rate was higher. He also handled court and tactics much better.
I believe you should be able to get temp orders quickly. Have evidence showing your monthly bills prior to separation and how much uBPDh is now contributing. You may also be able to get alimony pende lite since you are a SAHM. UBPDh may be required to pay your legal fees because of that.