Do they treat you worse the more they are attached to you

[josephrl82]

She had always told me that she trusted her other boyfriends, and never accused them of the things she accuses me of.  She said that this was the first relationship where she got physically abusive.  I was just wondering if I got the special treatment because she was especially in love or attached to me?  Or would I be correct in assuming that I am not as special to her as I think I am?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi joseph-

Relationships with borderlines can follow a predictable pattern: have you read this?  It might help.

[SoMadSoSad]

In my case i was the first she got abusive with also. Also, in my case I wasn't as special as i thought i was. The replacement is still receiving all love with no problem and she seems to be more into him than she was with me. That's just my case though, yours may differ.

[Mr Orange]

Seems to me the better you treat them, the worse they treat you. Maybe it's part of that push/pull dynamic. I feel like looking back (this is post honeymoon phase, of course) when I was sweet and loving toward her I got venom in return, and when I was feeling hurt and apathetic that was when she would switch it up and suddenly show her own "sweet" side. I was never on stable ground though, and it always felt like opposite day. Also, in my experience it seems often the more well adjusted and healthy the non is in a relationship with a BPD person, the more quickly the stuff hits the fan. My stbxBPDw told me about a couple long term relationships she was in earlier in her life before I met her. It sounded like she was dating narcissist players who abused her, yet those toxic relationships lasted several years or more. Again, this is just my own opinion. Ymmv.

[josephrl82]

Mr Orange

Yes!  I know for a fact that I gave her more financially than any other guy she had ever been with.  I can't answer to the emotional side, but I do know that I gave it my everything to make her feel like the most special woman in the universe.  I would text and say things to her on a daily basis that were so deep and well orchestrated that I was blowing my own mind as to how romantic I could be.  Of course later in the rs she started accusing me of plagiarizing my content from the internet.
Very late in the rs it seemed like the more I tried to make everything "normal," the more she would throw around accusations and devalue me.

[bunny4523]

She had always told me that she trusted her other boyfriends, and never accused them of the things she accuses me of.  She said that this was the first relationship where she got physically abusive.  I was just wondering if I got the special treatment because she was especially in love or attached to me?  Or would I be correct in assuming that I am not as special to her as I think I am?

So hard to say because my experience is that I couldn't believe anything my exBPD said.  One day he is telling me how horrible his ex was to him and the next how she was an amazing wife.  Then he would share all the horrible things she would do to him and I would watch him doing those things to me... .so projection?  I don't know... . They believe what they want, not what is really happening.

Also... .Define "special".  Your idea of special might be a 9 on a scale of 1-10.  Her idea of special could be that your a 2.  Be careful because it doesn't measure up if you try to compare it to how you feel when you say special... .you will just run yourself in circles.  

Bunny

[GoingBack2OC]

I wrote this in another thread, so I'll keep this short.

I think they treat you worse the better you treat them.

I think they treat you worse if you show them you need them or want them.

I think they treat you better if you simply act a bit caddy, coy and indifferent. Like you have a life.

Thats when they want you... .

[married21years]

how do you know this is the truth?

have you checked what she is saying.

with a person with BPD. double check every statement before believing it! 

their feeling become reality, to them the statement is real. 

[lovenature]

As married 21 said; don't believe everything they say, their reality is based on their current emotion of the moment-goes for past and future realities too. How many times has her words matched her actions?

The closer you get (better you treat them), the more they fear engulfment and then abandonment, so they hurt you to push you away, if you don't go way they will ramp up their efforts. When you are not too close is when things are more stable, of course then you are too far away and they pull you back; that "borderline" is not constant either-depends on their emotions.

Without the pwBPD committing to years of therapy, the relationship only causes pain for both partners.

[StayStrongNow]

I would agree with what seems to be the consensus the better you treat them including financially providing for them it turns ugly once split to black.

For over 9 years my stbxBPDw placed me in high regards to family and friends often complimenting me both privately and publically of what a great husband and father I was.

Oh did that change once devaluation arrived. Presently the relentlessness of projections and painting pitch black dark continues in fierce strength. Also, she is trying to bury me in financial debt that seems almost insurmountable.

I haven't found a way to ease her attack on me. It seems she would be happier with me dead.

So yes, I agree the nicer and better person you are to a pwBPD during the idealization stage, the more detrimentally severe the wrath of BPD will be.

[jrharvey]

I think they treat you better if you simply act a bit caddy, coy and indifferent. Like you have a life.

I agree but I don't think this is  a BPD thing. I may get yelled at here but I think this is MOST women haha. Every woman I have ever dated or known is like this. I think men are like this too. When you want something you cherish it. Once you get it then it doesn't seem quite as special. You may lust after the car of your dreams but once you actually get it you start criticizing its bad blind spot or get annoyed you scratched the wheels or wish it had more trunk space or got better gas mileage. Just my opinion.