A plan of action ...until she takes action to get well

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hopefully this makes sense ... things have gotten so bad around the home, I have to do something ... I came up with this plan this morning ... .my therapist thought is was in order and a good, sound plan ... .thoughts comments, suggestions?

Tuesday: Make a plan:

Big Picture: get self and girls out of the house Thursday night (while uBPDw is at Work); get uBPDw’ stay at Your house P … if you are sure it really is OK, it will make the girls feel safer.

Tuesday Logistics:
1)   Call attorney (share plan?)
2)   Girls pack for “Vacation” (which has been planned for Sat)
3)   uBPDw is out of the house from 3-9 or 10 (self-care message after work)
4)   Money Two sources of cash/capital I have to secure
a.   lump sum (bonus in checking from July 1) needs to go to new account – for now, for ease, I am going to open my own new account at Key bank so it can be transferred instantaneously (comments?)
b.   Home equity line of credit - I will write a check against it and deposit into new account (I don’t think uBPDw can get to it any faster) –
c.   she does not have access to E-trade –
5)   Meet with Therapist – share plan see if she has any other recommendation


Wednesday:
1)   Call JO, call off trip (stop niece from coming on Friday)
2)   Girls continue to pack for Vacation
3)   What am I forgetting?
4)   Take my bikes to P’s … I am serious if there is anything  I think uBPDw will attack it will be those, and I will need them

Thursday :
1)   PTO - unofficially
2)   Take care of any lose ends
3)   get the girls to P’s house late Thursday afternoon, wait for uBPDw to get home about 8pm – ask her, I have cancelled vacation and ask her to seek in patient … I will not bring the girls back to the home until she seeks this help (it has not been safe – glasses and lamps thrown – aggressive mean verbal and written bullying of my daughters. There is very good chance my uDBPw will attack me at this point ... .and I will have to call the police ... .

Buys me 72 hr to get her parent here to care for her when she gets out – she will be suicidal – gives me time to talk to them. Stay away until behavior improves (or forever – tbd,  almost certainly later)
 
What do you guys think? Green River

[Pine Knoll]

Hopefully this makes sense ... things have gotten so bad around the home, I have to do something ... I came up with this plan this morning ... .my therapist thought is was in order and a good, sound plan ... .thoughts comments, suggestions?

Tuesday: Make a plan:

Big Picture: get self and girls out of the house Thursday night (while uBPDw is at Work); get uBPDw’ stay at Your house P … if you are sure it really is OK, it will make the girls feel safer.

Tuesday Logistics:
1)   Call attorney (share plan?)
2)   Girls pack for “Vacation” (which has been planned for Sat)
3)   uBPDw is out of the house from 3-9 or 10 (self-care message after work)
4)   Money Two sources of cash/capital I have to secure
a.   lump sum (bonus in checking from July 1) needs to go to new account – for now, for ease, I am going to open my own new account at Key bank so it can be transferred instantaneously (comments?)
b.   Home equity line of credit - I will write a check against it and deposit into new account (I don’t think uBPDw can get to it any faster) –
c.   she does not have access to E-trade –
5)   Meet with Therapist – share plan see if she has any other recommendation


Wednesday:
1)   Call JO, call off trip (stop niece from coming on Friday)
2)   Girls continue to pack for Vacation
3)   What am I forgetting?
4)   Take my bikes to P’s … I am serious if there is anything  I think uBPDw will attack it will be those, and I will need them

Thursday :
1)   PTO - unofficially
2)   Take care of any lose ends
3)   get the girls to P’s house late Thursday afternoon, wait for uBPDw to get home about 8pm – ask her, I have cancelled vacation and ask her to seek in patient … I will not bring the girls back to the home until she seeks this help (it has not been safe – glasses and lamps thrown – aggressive mean verbal and written bullying of my daughters. There is very good chance my uDBPw will attack me at this point ... .and I will have to call the police ... .

Buys me 72 hr to get her parent here to care for her when she gets out – she will be suicidal – gives me time to talk to them. Stay away until behavior improves (or forever – tbd,  almost certainly later)
 
What do you guys think? Green River

[motherhen]

How do you predict she will react to this?

You need someone there with you when you talk to her. If the police are likely to be called, you need a witness.

[Pine Knoll]

I think it very likely she will attack me. I dont have a lot of people here who could be here; she can't handle the sight of my Brother in law (who has been on my side), but I thought he could hang out in the basement and be my back up if I need it. I could ask a friend, but it is the friend who will be hosting me and my girls and she will immediately know where the girls are if he is there - I did not want that to be so obvious. Other suggestions?

[Notwendy]

Would it help to also post this question on the Family Law, Divorce and Custody board? The folks there may have some experience to share.

Thinking about how my BPD mother would react to something like this, I can say that when she is angry and feels cornered she has : destroyed property, especially things of emotional value or importance to us, and money ( secure all accounts- you legally will have to divide this- so check what you can do legally about this, but expect she could do something with what she has access to) , try to hurt you by calling friends, acquaintances and even your workplace to slander you. ( my mother when angry has called my friends, relatives, to tell them I am "emotionally unstable" ).

Having a witness when you confront her is important, not just for you but for what she may say about you.

I didn't go through this exactly with BPD mom, but in the past, I did challenge her over her mental situation. I don't know where your wife is with hers, but for my mother, even the suggestion that she isn't all fine is felt by her as threatening. Listening to her speak of it now, she recalls it as if she had been unfairly attacked - didn't see our part of the situation. It is all about how we were horrible to her.

I don't want to discourage you with setting boundaries.  Each situation is different. But from my perspective- a boundary is more about you than her. This is what you want- and I think it is important to be prepared for whatever choice she makes and for the long run of it. You also need to be prepared to follow through with the boundary if she doesn't follow through.

It is clear that your actions are for the benefit of everyone in the family and also for her benefit. If you can keep the drama triangle in mind, it is possible to understand how she will feel like a victim. The actions she takes are from that perspective. When my mother feels hurt, she feels completely justified to hurt back. I think it is important to set boundaries in these relationships, for everyone's sake, but there can be a cost to them- so be prepared for that. I think the Family Law board may have some good advice about that.

[HopefulDad]

Would it help to also post this question on the Family Law, Divorce and Custody board? The folks there may have some experience to share.

I echo these sentiments.  There's a very high probability your plan is step 1 to divorce, so your plan should reflect that.  The folks there can help with that.

If you're placing good odds on this being the shock to her system to get help, I really think you need to re-evaluate that.  You've described a pretty low-functioning pwBPD who is more likely to dig in her heels and paint you the darkest shade of black for suggesting she's the one who needs help.

If you're going to issue this ultimatum, make sure you are 100% okay on backing it up should she not choose help.  Your wife doesn't deserve to have her chain yanked around by some wishy washy husband who takes fake stands.  You later don't want to regret lacking the spine to hold your ground.

And if you do decide to issue this ultimatum and she does decide to get help, determine in advance what constitutes help.  Way too many pwBPD initially seek help, only to quit later because either they consider themselves "cured" or paint the therapist black.  If you don't have this figured out, I can easily see a scenario where she agrees to help, you let her back in the house, but within half a year you are back to square one.

Good luck.

[Waddams]

To protect yourself - if you can't find a witness, scout out a place with a surveillance camera.  Restaurant, park, etc.  Maneuver things so that this incident happens where it is recorded.

Also, I'd recommend if to start divorcing your concerns from her behaviors.  Act responsibly for yourself.  She'll know what you are doing and try to make you stop.  You just have to suffer through the reactions, unfortunately.  The more you shake off the FOG, the stronger you'll get and the less she'll be able to hurt you.  So if having brother-in-law there is good for you, then do it.  If she dysregulates into a rage, it happens. 

If she physically attacks you, don't retaliate or escalate.  Honestly, you're better off taking a few lumps that can be documented along with a witness or camera footage.  The cops will look for who has marks, who doesn't.  They don't go by who started it.  They go by who used the greatest amount of force during the incident.  The law is written so that if you as a man retaliate in any way where you use greater force than her, then you are considered to be escalating the situation.  Men always are stronger and use greater force, so men always get arrested under that criteria.  Usually, if one party has marks and the other doesn't, it's pretty easy to tell who used the greatest force.  The one that isn't marked is the primary aggressor and gets arrested.  You want to be sure it's not you.

[Pine Knoll]

All really helpful comments, thank you all. I will have a witness present - about 28-29 hrs before I confront her - so far everything is going as smoothly as I could expect - I know the hospital and ER where I will take her. I have decided that this is step 1 to a divorce and I repost on on the other board ... I am trying to get an attorney, but not luck yet - the opportunity to this just arose and I had to take it (the throwing and cutting on Sat caused me to pull the trigger - and some other things like her sending nasty texts to my daughter's friends and nasty texts to my daughter). My biggest fear is that she says she is not a danger to herself ... .and they don't admit her ... .cause I know if I leave her there is a very good chance she will kill herself and my daughters will never forgive me.

[Lilyroze]

Green River,

I am very proud and supportive that you made this action plan, though terribly sorry for the reasons you needed to. I remember when you first joined.

I am checking in to see if you, and your daughters are OK? How are your long term goals coming along? Did everything work out.

Be well and take care of you. May you find peace going forward.